was the hardest decision I ever made,’ he shot back, setting his plate next to hers and standing, too, his body riddled with tension, with emotion. ‘But it was better for me to focus on my work, on something I could control.’ He frowned at the unexpected admission, and shook his head. ‘It was the best decision, Mila.’
‘For who, Jordan? You or me?’
She wiped at another tear and it pierced his heart.
‘This is so silly. I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.’
He couldn’t bring himself to ask her to stay—knew that if he did he needed to say something other than the accusations that were coursing through his mind.
When he heard her bedroom door close he flopped down on the couch, thinking about her words. She’d wanted him to stay. The realisation was a blow to his heart that he didn’t know he could recover from, and the niggling in the back of his mind—the niggle that had always made him doubt his decision to leave—finally gained ground.
He had believed that he was doing the right thing for her. But her words now made him wonder if it had been only for her, or for him, too. His own words seemed to prove that it had.
He thought about how relieved he had been to focus on something he could control, to focus on his work. Unlike the day when Mila had fallen and he’d had no choice but to sign the forms approving the emergency C-section. Unlike the subsequent loss of his son that he’d been unable to do anything about, just as he had been able to do nothing about Mila’s grief and suffering.
He froze as his father’s accusation about why he’d left played back in his head. For the first time he considered it. If Jordan had left Cape Town—had left the wife who’d needed him—because it reminded him of his mother’s illness, then Jordan had been running. When Mila had asked him for space to deal with the tragedy of losing their child he had run away. From her pain...from his. Because he hadn’t wanted to see her suffer—emotionally or physically—as his mother had. Because he didn’t want to watch on, helpless, as his father had.
Pain stabbed through him and he rested his head in his hands. Were those the real reasons he had left?
MILA WOULD HAVE liked a day to ignore the world and lick her wounds. To ignore the fact that the tension between her and Jordan was making her feel ill. She knew that she was causing it—that if she could just sit back and agree as she had during their marriage, she wouldn’t be in the situation she was.
But words kept pouring from her mouth as if she had no control over them. Maybe because she’d realised control didn’t do anything. Jordan had still left, even though she had done—and said—everything she’d supposed to. She had managed to alienate her best friend—her only friend—even though she had always gone out of her way to make sure everyone liked her. To make sure she would always have someone who wanted her.
But when the doorbell rang the next morning she knew that she wouldn’t be able to wallow. Not only because she had to meet Lulu, but because the meeting was only a part of what she needed to do for the event.
She’d made some progress—Karen’s manager had told her that he would run the event by the singer and confirm after that. Her marquee contact had agreed to the customised design, his complaints about the short timeline quelled by the generous amount of money she’d offered. And on her to-do list that day was getting in touch with the food vendors and checking their availability for the next month. That and Karen would determine the date of the event, and once that was confirmed she would be able to start the marketing process.
Before she could get to that list, though, she needed to face Lulu.
Her hands were shaking as she made her way to the front door. She took a deep breath before she opened it, and then she smiled.
‘Hi!’ she said, and her eyes swept over Lulu.
Her first thought was that Lulu hadn’t changed all that much. Her face was still oval shaped, her hair cut close to her head. Her brown skin was smooth, her light brown eyes careful as she looked at Mila. Her second thought was that none of that mattered when there was something massive that had changed.
‘You’re pregnant...’ Mila said through frozen lips, and her heart sped up. Her breath threatened to speed up, too, but she saw the reserve in Lulu’s eyes change to concern and forced herself to control it.
It was just one of those annoying reactions she’d had since losing her baby—like the stairs. She was strong enough to deal with the reaction her body had to seeing Lulu pregnant. Strong enough for the emotional one, too. So she ignored the heartache, the emptiness, and clung to the genuine excitement she felt for her friend.
‘Congratulations!’
She pulled Lulu into a hug, ignoring the distance that had grown between them since her fall. She also ignored the way the swell of Lulu’s belly made her feel incredibly empty.
‘How far along are you?’
Lulu squeezed Mila quickly and then pulled back. The concern still gleaming in Lulu’s eyes was almost eclipsed by the reserve that had now returned. ‘Thank you. I’m twenty-eight weeks. I wasn’t sure if I should come because of...’
Her voice grew softer as she spoke, and Mila knew exactly what Lulu was saying.
‘Well, I’m glad you came. Please come inside.’
Lulu walked past her and Mila closed her eyes for a second. Lulu had kept her pregnancy from Mila for more than six months because she had been afraid of the way Mila would react. What did that say about her? she thought, and her heart felt bruised at the knowledge. She had never meant for her tragedy to keep her friend from telling her the happy news. It meant Mila had more to atone for than she’d originally thought.
‘Is there anything I can get you? Some tea or coffee?’
‘Um...no, thank you. I can’t stay too long,’ Lulu said, and Mila realised that she wouldn’t have time to beat around the bush.
She watched Lulu gingerly lower herself onto one of the couches, and briefly thought that she remembered that perfectly. But she shook her head and decided she wasn’t going to go down that path.
Instead, she spoke. ‘Look, I know things between us aren’t like they used to be. Our work has suffered because of...everything that happened to me...and now that I know you’re pregnant I feel even worse about not taking on more so we could get commission—’
‘I’m not interested in our work, Mila,’ Lulu interrupted, her pretty face tense. ‘Our friendship has suffered.’
Hearing Lulu say that made Mila feel worse. ‘I know. I...I should have called.’
‘You should have,’ Lulu agreed. ‘And you shouldn’t have pushed me away at all. We’ve been friends for almost a decade.’
‘I know,’ Mila said again, and felt herself dangerously close to tears. It was almost the same conversation she had had with Jordan the previous night. And it was time she admitted the truth of it to herself.
‘I
