Rule: Talk to your children respectfully, the way you want them to talk to you.
Besides learning how to talk to a child, it is equally important to learn how to listen. Nothing wins over a child (or adult) more than conveying that you value her viewpoint. Being in charge of your child doesn’t mean putting her down. In Chapter 8 we will show you how to help your child recognize and appropriately express her feelings. Once she is able to manage her own feelings she is more likely to become sensitive to the feelings of others.
Each of these discipline points depends on the others. It’s hard to be an authority figure, a good model, a behaviour shaper, and an obedience teacher if you and your child aren’t connected and you don’t know your child. You may know the psychological principles of behavioural shaping, but shapers won’t work if you can’t communicate with your child. And even a connected relationship doesn’t guarantee a disciplined child if you fail to convey your expectation that your child obey you. These ten interdependent building blocks form the foundation of the approach to discipline advocated throughout the rest of this book. Put them all together, and you have a blueprint for raising children who are a joy to be with now and who will make you proud in the future.
The balance of love and limits.
chapter 2 birth to one year: getting connected
Why are some children easier to discipline? It took us more than twenty years of parent and baby watching to answer this question. Our conclusion is: the deeper the parent-child connection, the easier discipline will be.
To help you appreciate the relationship between connecting to your child and disciplining your child, in this chapter we will share with you our observations of thousands of parent-child pairs, our experience in connecting with our own eight children, and what other researchers have observed about the relationship between parent-child attachment and discipline.
What we observed. We noticed three features of connected kids that made them easier to discipline:
• They want to please.
• They are willing to obey.
• They are more self-controlled.
These are the kids you like to be around.
We also noticed these features of connected parents:
• They respond sensitively to their child’s needs.
• They respond appropriately, neither giving too much nor too little.
• They know their child. They are observant of age- and stage-appropriate behaviours.
• They are in charge of their child in a guiding, not controlling, way.
What others observed. In addition to our own observations, we read the most credible research that attempted to answer the age-old question, What can parents do that most affects the way their children turn out? These are known as attachment studies. Attachment researchers use the term “securely” attached children (we call them connected kids) or “insecurely” or “anxiously” attached children (we call them unconnected kids). The striking conclusion that we can make from these studies is that, in addition to our genetic wiring, how we become who we are is rooted in the parent-child connection in the first few years of life. Attachment researchers found that connected kids shine in nearly every area of competence and behaviour. The summary of their observations is shown in the chart on.
Modern research is finally concluding what savvy mothers have always known: a healthy attachment in infancy is likely to turn out a healthier adult. How a mother and infant spend the first year together makes a difference, probably for the rest of their lives. The basis for discipline at all ages is being connected to your child. The earlier you get connected, the more successful your discipline will be. To guide your child you have to know your child, be able to read your child’s body language, and give age-appropriate responses. For your child to receive your discipline, your child needs to be able to read and trust you. This mutual connection allows discipline to flow naturally from you to your child, and prepares your child to want your guidance. As rational as this sounds, there are many families where this doesn’t happen. Our purpose in this chapter is to show you how to let this connection happen, right from the very beginning.
martha and matthew – how they got connected
We love reading teacher’s reports about our nine-year-old Matthew: “He’s so focused.” “He’s so well-behaved.” Our friends give us compliments about Matthew: “He’s such a joy to have around.” “He’s a good influence on my son.” During a toy squabble between Matthew and a friend, an observing parent said, “Matthew is incredibly sensitive to other children.” A new mother watching Martha discipline a conflict between Matthew and a sibling remarked, “How did you know what to do?”
How did Matthew come to be this way? Is he afraid of being punished, or is he just naturally “good”? Where did his self-control come from? How can one subtle look from Martha pull him back from the brink of trouble? How did this pair get so well connected? The story of disciplining Matthew goes all the way back to the day of his birth.
Immediately after birth Martha gathered up Matthew and cuddled him to her breast. As Matthew lay skin-to-skin, no longer enclosed in the warmth of her womb, he found a new place where he fit. As he fed from Martha’s breast, snuggled against her chest, nested in her arms, he found a new “womb”. When he opened his eyes, he found Martha’s eyes gazing adoringly into his. Matthew arrived knowing where he belonged and feeling that this was a warm and comfortable place to be. Matthew felt right. Though no longer connected by the cord, the pair stayed connected by the hormonal high of new motherhood and the ability of a newly born baby to make his needs known. No distance – physical or emotional – developed between them. During the day Martha held Matthew close to her or wore him in a baby sling, fed him on cue, and responded sensitively to his needs. At night they slept side by side, Martha providing security and comfort to Matthew.
This connection, the beginning of discipline, continued through Matthew’s baby days. When Matthew cried, Martha responded, and Matthew learned that his distress was followed by comfort. Because Martha gave Matthew a consistent response, Matthew learned to trust that his mother was responsive to him. Never mind that Martha did not always give the “perfect” response (Matthew may have wanted a change of scenery, but Martha offered to feed him). The important point is that she responded. Even though this was our sixth baby, Martha had to learn to read Matthew as an individual. With time and patience and through hundreds of rehearsals, Matthew and Martha worked at their communication until they got it right most of the time. As time progressed, Martha learned to anticipate Matthew’s needs. When a grimace appeared, a cry was sure to follow. So she responded to the grimace before a panic cry had a chance to develop. Mother and baby were comfortable and happy together.
As I watched this pair grow together (and did what I could to support them), I noticed that while Martha’s initial responses to Matthew’s cues involved some trial and error, they quickly became more intuitive. There was harmony to their relationship, a flow of cue giving and caregiving between a little person with big needs and a mother motivated to meet those needs. This led to an inner feeling of well-being
