Ana Maria a little closer to him, he assumed a natural rocking action, waiting for Arabella to return, and within seconds Ana Maria was fast asleep in his arms. If only life really was that simple.
“They really don’t have the facilities here in the clinic to keep her, but Dr. Navarro said he’d have his office nurse watch her for a couple of hours to make sure she’s getting along better.” It wasn’t a perfect solution, but it would do. And the baby would be under observation for a short time, which made Bella feel a lot better. Gabriel was also a doctor with so much emotional turmoil, and Bella knew, better than most, how that could play on good judgment. She was glad Nurse Melaina Juarez had agreed to keep watch for a while.
“Look, I’m grateful for everything you’ve done, Arabella. I think that while they’re looking after Ana Maria here, I’ll go and make arrangements for the formula to be sent.”
“So before you leave, maybe later today, would you like me to have another look at her?”
He shook his head. “You’ve done more than most people would have, and I’m sure you have things you’d rather be doing than looking after a stranger.”
Things she dreaded doing. Things she wanted to put off doing. “Yes, I do, actually. But to be blunt, Doctor, I don’t think you’re reacting normally to Ana Maria right now. You’re…too stiff. You know, doing what’s required but not with the emotional nurturing she needs from you. She’s a beautiful little girl yet you hold her like she’s made of plastic…a plastic doll. And you seem to respond to her, but in a very stilted way. Which worries me. You said you’d take care of her and maybe you mean that, but I get the feeling that taking care of a newborn is the last thing you want to do. In which case I think it might become very easy for you to overlook something in her condition. And I’m not implying that you’d mean to do it, because I don’t think you would intentionally. But with what you’ve just been through, things aren’t normal for you now, and you’re not responding as you normally would.”
OK, so maybe she was overstepping the line here, but she was concerned because she knew how it felt to go through the motions without really thinking about them, which was what Gabriel seemed to be doing. You did what you needed to do but without any emotional investment. It was like walking through a fog—your senses were distorted, you couldn’t be sure in which direction you were headed. If you were alone it didn’t matter so much, but Gabriel wasn’t alone. And she did recognize that fog around him, which was why she felt compelled to react.
“You’re very quick with accusations, aren’t you? Especially when none of this concerns you!”
“Then tell me I’m wrong. That’s all it will take, Dr. Velascos, and I’ll be satisfied that you don’t need my concern. Or my help.”
His eyes softened for a moment. “You’re a good doctor, aren’t you?”
“I try to be.” She wasn’t sure what to make of him again. The man was vacillating between someone who fascinated her and someone who, likewise, scared her. She didn’t know what it was about him…his circumstances, his natural way? But she felt drawn to him. Or maybe it was to Ana Maria.
Yes, that was it. Ana Maria was desperately in need of the emotional bond only a parent could have for a child…a bond Bella wasn’t seeing in Dr. Velascos. She was reacting to that. That’s all it could be. “Which is why I’m worried. It comes with the territory. I worry about all my patients.” And she worried about Ana Maria, who wasn’t even her patient.
“I suppose we all do, don’t we?”
His comment was more offhand than direct, as if his thoughts were somewhere else. Perhaps they were. “I know this is all confusing for you, Gabriel. But it will get better, I promise. It’s just going to take some time to make the adjustments and for now Ana Maria will be fine. Babies, even as young as she is, are very resilient.” Odd, her need to comfort him. But he seemed like he needed encouragement from somewhere. In brief moments, he looked so…lost.
Good heavens, what was she doing, getting involved like this? Gabriel and Ana Maria were in good hands with Dr. Navarro and his nurse, and that problem was solved. But hers was not, which was why it was time to pull back the emotions. Time to quit looking for ways to put off the inevitable, and getting involved with Gabriel the way she was trying to do was just another way to avoid what she had to do. She recognized that. Accepted it. “Look, if you need something, Dr. Navarro will be able to help you. He seems like a very capable doctor and I’m sure he’ll put you in touch with a good pediatrician.” She pulled the blanket back from Ana Maria’s face, brushed a thumb over her soft, chubby cheek, then stepped back, feeling a sudden sadness she didn’t understand. “Take care of yourself, Gabriel. You and Ana Maria will have a wonderful life together.”
CHAPTER TWO
SHE’D eaten a little dinner, not so much because she’d wanted it but because she’d needed it. Something about holding little Ana Maria in her arms that afternoon had filled her with a longing that scared her. That, added to the dread of what she was here to do, made her meal a necessity, but not an enjoyable one. And now, hours later, she was tired of tossing and turning, and she simply couldn’t sleep. There were too many unwanted thoughts galloping through her mind, keeping her awake.
This was so hard, knowing that she was about to face the worst thing she’d ever faced in her life. Until now, she’d been able to blot out her sister’s death, pretend this trip to Peru was merely a holiday where she could take a stroll through the countryside, mingle with the people, eat the cuisine, see the sights. But it wasn’t that at all, and the nearness of what she needed to face in order to heal herself was pounding at her.
She wanted to do this, but could she? Could she open Rosie’s clinic and make her sister’s dream a reality? Being someone who always took the sure, steady path, the way she did, this seemed almost crazy. Rosie had been the one who had taken the risks, who had looked at life as an exciting mountain to climb. Bella, though, had been the one who had stuck to the flat paths, who hadn’t veered off.
But she was veering in a big way now, wasn’t she? It was terrifying but it seemed right, fulfilling Rosie’s promise this way. If that’s what she decided to do.
Bella was worried about Ana Maria, too. And about Gabriel, who probably didn’t need someone like her worrying about him. Yet she worried anyway, wondering why she’d latched on to the two of them almost immediately. Possibly her need for something that made some sense in her life? Something that made sense in the middle of something so confusing? Treating a sick child made so much sense to her. But Bella didn’t dismiss the possibility that fixing on Gabriel and his daughter was a distraction because she knew herself, knew how she’d wanted to avoid the obvious. Once she stepped into her sister’s dream, took it on as her own, her sister would be gone forever and she couldn’t face that, wasn’t ready to face that.
Whatever the case, there were too many reminders around her of how fragile life could be. She understood that now, more than she had any other time in her life. She was pretty sure Gabriel did, too, and he coped by being distant. She coped by…well, that was the problem. She wasn’t sure how she coped because she hadn’t allowed herself that yet.
Oh, she was strong enough. It had become a requirement with the way she and Rosie had grown up orphans from an early age, being tossed into so many situations where they had been tolerated but not loved the way children deserved. She’d been strong in medical school, too, and in her medical practice. It was easy, being strong, but lately she’d wondered if that strength had been a sham. Because deep down, when it had counted, she hadn’t found any of that strength she’d thought would be there. “You’re a fake,
