In response, Helen Palmer, a major figure in the world of the Enneagram, says that the Enneagram doesn’t set out to categorize anyone; it’s merely an aid you can use to discover which category is keeping your personality type imprisoned. You can free yourself from this category on your own. And by the way, you don’t have to typecast yourself, so to speak, in order to work with the Enneagram. The goal is to expand your self-awareness, to get to know yourself better. After you read the descriptions of all the various types, ask yourself: What part of this do I recognize in myself? How does this work in my case? Am I exactly like that or a little different? This is also a way to get to know yourself better and become more aware of your limiting behaviors. If you’re interested in determining your type on your own, you can find tips and exercises throughout this book that will help you on your way.
The motivations behind all three people's desire to avoid conflict are quite different, but they all lead to the same behavior. This is why you look not at the behavior itself in the Enneagram but rather at the driving forces behind that behavior. In the Enneagram, the underlying motivation, or driving force, is considered more important than the behavior itself, because recognizing this drive is the starting point for further development. The approach for learning to deal with conflicts in a different, more productive fashion varies for each of the three. For them, it’s not about handling conflicts per se, but rather about uncovering the actual reason they avoid conflicts.
You’re not a type — you have a type
Admittedly, the distinction is slight between being a type and having a type. But no matter how slight, the distinction is still important. It's connected to the difference between your nature — your true self — and your ego. Your nature, or true self (as the word true indicates), is what you truly are at the core. Your ego, or your type, is also called the false self: It’s what you believe you are. It’s an incorrect identification; in the development of their own identity, human beings started believing that they’re endowed with particular characteristics: I am shy, for example. Even if your ego is useful to you (more on this topic later in this chapter), people define themselves by what their ego tells them they are. If I’m truly convinced of my shyness deep inside, I will behave accordingly. This increasingly reinforces the behavior, and I resign myself to it, telling myself, “That’s just how it is.” Now any prospect of further development has vanished and I’m simply stuck. If I say, “I often feel shy” or “I need some time until I feel comfortable,” that's a different story. Then I don’t identify with the shyness, which in itself grants me some space.
Using the Enneagram as a tool
The Enneagram is a tool or an aid for developing yourself. You should use it that way. In other words, use it for yourself! As with other tools or techniques of self-development, it occasionally happens that people who grapple with it are primarily interested in changing the people around them. The thing is, no one is happy if they are pushed into something, and any attempt on your part to do so will surely backfire. You can encourage people to join you on your path only if they’re already open to further development. The best way to do this is if you become a source of inspiration because others see how you benefit from your method. My mother always told me, “If you want to improve the world, start with yourself.” That’s what I call “living by the Enneagram.”
Dealing with stereotypes
A stereotype is created when someone puts a label on people based on biases. Unfortunately, the personality descriptions offered by the Enneagram are well-suited for this purpose: “Now I know your type; now I know who you are.” This is a quiet shift in focus: Rather than learn more about the types, you end up seeing other people exclusively as their type. In this respect, here are some examples of such type stereotypes:
Perfectionists have tidy apartments.
Your apartment is tidy, so you must be a perfectionist.
Therefore:
You can’t be a perfectionist because your apartment is an absolute mess.
I see the internal mechanisms of the Perfectionist type in myself, but my apartment certainly isn’t tidy. Yet what's so bad about stereotypes? First, they lead to no good outcome and solve no problems. They’re superfluous. Second, they don’t let the many small details of the Enneagram type mechanisms come into effect. Certainly, some perfectionists — perhaps even many — have tidy apartments. That’s not what this is about. Other types may also prefer a tidy apartment, for different reasons. Perfectionists can keep an apparently messy household because they just don’t consider tidiness important or because tidiness doesn't correspond to their sense of order. With stereotypes comes the likelihood of missing the mark.
Finally — and most importantly — stereotypes never do justice to the individual being labeled. No one likes having stereotypical biases attached to them — even if the biases are essentially positive. At a meeting, for example, I was told by a stranger: “What I like so much about you perfectionists is that you hold on to things consistently.” This woman didn’t know me and still stuck this label on me because she knew something about perfectionists and because my Enneagram type was listed on my name tag. Although I recognize myself in the type mechanism of the Perfectionist, I definitely don’t “hold on to things consistently.” It’s annoying that other people attribute such things to you, especially if the attribution is incorrect or the other person barely knows you.
LETTING GO MEANS DEVELOPING
You developed your personality structure — your type, in other words — as a child because it was important for your development. Without the development of a healthy internal structure, you may find yourself subjected to disorders that reach the point where it isn’t possible to act independently in society. At the same time, people tend to exaggerate the characteristics of their type to the point that they become pitfalls and restrictions. Then it’s time to free your true self and let it take control. Your type is a false identification. You have your type, but you are not your type. What you are is something that will never leave you — you are what you are. If you have something, it stands to reason that you can also let go of it — in every situation, as often and as long as you want. Liberation here means freeing yourself of this identification, thus creating a space for further development.
YOUR DEVELOPMENT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR TYPE
Any knowledge about the type mechanisms includes recognition that strengths and weaknesses are type-related. This is
