it do it. (Jamila)
Many bisexuals have not realized or accepted that they are gay. Others may really be bisexual getting as much fulfillment from men as women. (Greta)
But despite their agreement on this point, these two women still have different conceptions of bisexuality. Jamila considers anyone who enjoys both types of sex to be bisexual, whereas Greta reserves the term for those people who enjoy the two sexes equally. Therefore, in the opinion of the first woman almost everyone is bisexual, whereas in the opinion of the second woman bisexuality is less common than it appears to be. Consequently, these two women have different attitudes toward bisexuality. Jamila takes a liberal “to each her own” stance, whereas Greta looks upon women who claim to be bisexual with suspicion.
Some women extrapolate the ability to enjoy both sexes into a need for both sexes, conceptualizing bisexuals as individuals who not only enjoy both heterosex and homosex but who need both heterosex and homosex. In this view, a bisexual person can never be completely satisfied with either a heterosexual or a homosexual relationship, since her need for the other type of relationship would be unfulfilled. Thus, bisexuals are doomed to a life of either alternating between homosexual and heterosexual relationships,
Now, though, I am trying very hard to understand bisexuality. I feel that it must be a very difficult lifestyle . . . an emotional and sexual seesaw. (Kelly)
or juggling simultaneous homosexual and heterosexual relationships,
I think that it would be a very hard way of life for me. I could not juggle the two. (Gina)
or indiscriminate sexual activity with anything that moves:
[Bisexuality is a way] for highly sexed people who go either way to double their chances for sex. (Arlene)
Any of these three lifestyles would make a committed monogamous relationship difficult to maintain, if not impossible. Conceptualized in terms of coexistent homosexual and heterosexual needs or as the result of an overly active sex drive, bisexuality becomes incompatible with committed monogamy,
If a person is settled with this identity I think it’s great. I also believe that this lifestyle could present problems in needing both preferences met at same time—makes for a difficult monogamous relationship. (Ruth)
especially when homosexual and heterosexual needs are perceived as antithetical to each other:
One who is attracted and enjoys a sexual relationship with both men and women. Sad that the inner conflict prevents the person to experience a complete commitment to one person in order to build a lasting relationship. (Cori)
The implication that bisexuals are incapable of committed relationships bothers many lesbians, who conclude that bisexuality is a symptom of an inability to commit oneself to a single partner. These lesbians often have moral objections to bisexuality as nonmonogamous by definition. Although they sometimes extend partial tolerance to bisexuality, they do so only under certain conditions and predict that problems will arise even under these conditions. For example, Bobbi feels that nonmonogamy would be OK if the participants were mature and honest: “I can accept bisexuality if . . . (1) the person is happy and can emotionally handle and accept their own sexual identity and lifestyle; and (2) they are honest and open with someone they are about to or are committed to in a relationship.” Similarly, Jennifer’s approval is contingent on the mutual consent of those involved, “Bisexuality is fine with me—as long as everyone is consenting.” In contrast, Alison does not approve of nonmonogamy under any conditions; she would tolerate bisexuality only “If the person has a relationship with either sex and breaks it off totally, to start a relationship with the other sex.”
Some lesbians who define bisexuality in terms of behavior disapprove of bisexuality for political as well as moral reasons. Many feel that bisexual women’s associations with men disqualify them completely from political alliance or comradeship with lesbians. Others feel that bisexual women can and should align themselves with lesbians, but again, only if they follow certain rules. They have different opinions about what these rules are. Some don’t care if bisexual women continue to sleep with men as long as they identify themselves as lesbians for political purposes. Other lesbians are angered by bisexual women who try to present themselves as lesbians because they feel that this is deceptive and disrespectful to lesbians. Still others feel that bisexual women should, for the time being, abstain from relationships with men and unite with lesbians until equality between the sexes has been achieved. Lesbians’ political opinions about bisexuality will be explored in greater detail later in this chapter.
In summary, the most common criterion lesbians use to define bisexuality is behavior. That is, when most lesbian respondents were asked to discuss their opinions about “bisexual women,” they pictured women who behave bisexually. But they have different opinions about what constitutes bisexual behavior. For some, it means simultaneous sexual relationships with both women and men, or an exactly equal amount of homosexual and heterosexual experience. Others have broader definitions, which include any woman who has had sexual relations with both women and men, or who could enjoy both homosexual and heterosexual relations. According to any of these definitions, bisexual women are nonmonogamous or at best serially monogamous by definition, and many lesbians who define bisexuality in terms of behavior are concerned about bisexual women’s inability to commit themselves to a single partner. Others are concerned about the political implications of bisexuals’ relations with men. For these reasons, bisexual women—defined as women who have sex with both women and men—meet with a great deal of disapproval and distrust from lesbians.
Bisexuality as a Matter of Feelings
Although the lesbians who participated in this study most commonly define bisexuality as a form of behavior, many are less concerned with actual behavior than with the feelings one has toward women and men. These lesbians define bisexuality as a matter of how one feels rather than how one behaves, and not surprisingly, they are more likely than lesbians who define bisexuality in terms of behavior to believe that bisexuality exists.2 Although there are some differences of opinion among them over exactly which feelings should be defined as bisexual, these differences are fewer and more trivial than those that exist among lesbians who define bisexuality behaviorally. Like the latter, they are concerned about bisexuality, but their concerns have a markedly different character.
Most lesbians who define bisexuality in terms of feelings simply referred to bisexual women as having “attractions” to women and men. Some respondents specified that they were referring to both emotional and physical attraction, or to emotional, social, and sexual attraction. Dorothea described attraction as “the range of feelings allowing us to be sexually and romantically involved with women and men.” Other respondents referred to “love,” “affectional preference,” or simply “feelings.”
For the most part, these differences appear to be merely differences in wording rather than differences of opinion. The only issue over which these lesbians are substantially divided is the question of whether bisexuals are those rare individuals whose feelings for women and men are exactly equal in strength and quality, or whether everyone who has feelings for both women and men should be considered bisexual:
I feel we all have varying degrees of attraction to both sexes, and maybe bisexual people really are equally attracted to both sexes . . . (Juanita)
I feel it is one aspect of the wide spectrum of human sexual identity. Just as there are women who are attracted to women, men to men, and women and men to each other to varying degrees, so there are also women
