will free your mind so that you aren’t stuck ruminating on things over which you have no control. This will allow you to see, as time goes on, that many of your worst fears are unfounded.
• Read for at least ten minutes from the books listed below and commit to practicing the truths they reveal. As you engage in this practice, record its impact in your journal. Your life will change and it will be better.
Recommended Reading for Supporting Mindfulness
• Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha (New York: Bantam, 2004): A psychotherapist and Buddhist meditation teacher, Brach interweaves stories from her own life as a hardworking single mother with anecdotes from her therapy practice, and she offers examples of how our pain can become a doorway to love and liberation.
• Marianne Williamson, Illuminata: A Return to Prayer (New York: Riverhead Books, 1995): Prayer is practical, according to Williamson. It can deliver us from deep psychic pain and provide peace and understanding. Illuminata shows you how to bring prayer into your daily life.
• Deepak Chopra, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: A Practical Guide to the Fulfillment of Your Dreams (Novato, CA: New World Library, 1994): Deepak Chopra distills the essence of his teachings into seven simple yet powerful principles that can be applied to all areas of your life. This book will inspire you to understand that all is possible. Uncertainty is our friend. Limitless opportunity awaits.
“Action is the antidote to despair.”
— Joan Baez
There are two big challenges to leaving a soul-deadening relationship: the difficulty of stepping out of your comfort zone and the fear of the unknown. Even if miserable, many women stay in a loveless marriage because they prefer what they know over the uncertainty of what they don’t know. This is human nature, but you do not have to be stuck and wait for a crisis to create positive change.
First, simply acknowledge that change can feel threatening. Neuroscientists call this fundamental principle the “walk toward, run away” theory. We are biologically wired to avoid what seems threatening, rather than embrace it. If we feel uncertain, we focus on the negative and disengage. As a result, our prefrontal cortex, which is the area of the brain engaged for changing behavior and habits, has less reserves of energy (oxygen and glucose) so we are less likely to make good decisions, take on new ideas, and appreciate the big picture. In other words, because of the way our brains are wired, it is harder for us to break out of familiar bad patterns than it is to try something new. This is why most women avoid filing for divorce until calamity strikes.
Next, understand that the way through the fear of change brought on by divorce is to have a strong mindfulness practice and a strategic, step-by-step plan. The mindfulness practice prepares you for the changes you will face. The practical plan provides the steps to get you through it. Dissolving a marriage sounds messy, complicated, and frightening, but it doesn’t have to be. I know you can do what you need to do to establish a new life because I see women accomplish this every day, and they are no different than you. Have courage and move forward to a new and better life.
WISE WOMEN KNOW
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
— Alexander Graham Bell
DIVORCE HACKS
Facing the Truth of Infidelity
In virtually every divorce case I handle, one of the spouses is cheating on the other. Sometimes the woman is doing the cheating, but more often than not, it’s the man. And when there is cheating, there is often “financial infidelity” — marital funds spent on unauthorized activity. It is an inconvenient truth, and we tend to think that we are immune — until it happens to us.
A male client, a well-respected “family man,” told me something that every woman considering divorce should know. He had been carrying on an affair for quite some time without his wife’s knowledge. He said, in the most matter-of-fact way, “This is what we do.” What he meant was that, when the going gets tough, men will use sex like they would use a shot of tequila — to distract themselves from the stresses of modern life. Whether it’s internet porn, strip clubs, or actual hookups, the truth is, many men routinely engage in sex outside of marriage, particularly when they are experiencing stress.
In today’s world, modern technology makes access to willing partners more available and lowers inhibitions, creating a perfect storm for men looking for sexual relief. Recent studies reveal that, not surprisingly, Facebook and Twitter users have a higher rate of infidelity and divorce. There are 40 million sexually explicit websites, chat rooms, bulletin boards, and interactive games available on the internet. An estimated 20 to 33 percent of internet users go online for sexual purposes; most are male, about thirty-five years old, married with children, and well-educated. Online sexual behavior is proving to be highly addictive to some users, and serious relationship problems are reported in almost all marriages in which one partner is cybersex addicted. As many as 17 percent of internet users become addicted to online sexual activity.
WISE WOMEN KNOW
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
— Albert Einstein
Many women think they can change their spouse, or that a marital counselor, therapist, or religious adviser will bring him around and get him to cease his extramarital sexual activities. Having been taught to be patient and “carry on,” women often wait for their husbands to come around. But there is a very real and present danger to waiting. The following story illustrates this point.
Rebecca’s husband, John, had lost his high-paying corporate job in finance during the 2008 financial crisis. Rebecca’s parents were wealthy, and so they loaned Rebecca and John money so that they wouldn’t lose their luxurious beachside home in Los Angeles. Rebecca’s parents also paid for their three grandchildren to go to elite private schools and for Rebecca and John to regularly vacation in Hawaii and Aspen. They paid for their membership in several country clubs and for John’s Audi and Rebecca’s Lexus. This was a great gig for John. He spent a lot of time playing tennis at the country club.
After a few years of this, Rebecca came to me because the financial crisis was over, and although John was highly qualified to obtain a job, he hadn’t gone back to work. She had also learned that John was having an affair. Under these circumstances, Rebecca’s parents were refusing to continue to pay the bills, and Rebecca wanted to know what she could do to bring John back. She and John were in counseling with the pastor of their church. John said that he wanted to “do the right thing,” but despite his promises, she knew (from accessing his text messages) that he was still carrying on the affair. I suspected that what John really wanted was for the gravy train to continue, and I recommended that Rebecca file for divorce. She didn’t. Instead, over the next six months, Rebecca nagged, cajoled, and threatened John — but nothing changed — until one night, the girlfriend
