You do not have to decide whether to keep or sell the family home right away. Whew! But your lawyer will ask for information to help you assess whether it makes sense to keep or sell the home. Familiarize yourself with the fair market value of your home, the amount of equity in the home, the monthly mortgage payment, and whether there is a home equity line of credit (HELOC) or a second mortgage on the home. If you do eventually decide to sell your home, you will want to get a formal appraisal (see “Get Appraised,” page 186), but you don’t need one at this point.
GO TO ZILLOW.COM TO QUICKLY ESTIMATE THE FAIR MARKET VALUE OF YOUR HOME
It’s easy to find out approximately what your home is worth on Zillow.com. While not as accurate as a formal appraisal, it is a quick-and-easy way to get an approximation of your home’s value. And it’s free!
CALCULATE THE ESTIMATED EQUITY IN YOUR HOME
Look at the last mortgage statement to see what is owed on the home. Subtract this from the home’s value on Zillow to obtain a rough estimate of equity.
FIGURE THE ESTIMATED MONTHLY PAYMENTS
The mortgage statement will provide the monthly mortgage payment. Add to this the HELOC or second mortgage payment to come up with the total monthly payment for the house. You will need this information to determine whether you can continue to make those payments if you keep the house or whether it makes sense to sell.
Even if your husband is not on the path to enlightenment, you can be conscious as you uncouple. Mindfulness during this time is essential. Whether you have decided to end your marriage or your husband has pulled the trigger, you are undoubtedly experiencing deep feelings of loss, anger, anxiety, and fear about the future. These negative emotions can come and go without warning — causing you to panic or shut down.
A daily mindfulness practice will ground you so that you can deal with what needs to be dealt with and not be overcome or derailed by strong, negative emotions. It will allow you to be present with whatever is happening, no matter what it is.
WISE WOMEN KNOW
“Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it.”
— Charles R. Swindoll
In my case, my mindfulness practice literally saved my life as I presided over the demise of my marriage. Losing my husband was just the tip of the iceberg. The financial repercussions were devastating. It was the height of the 2008–2009 financial crisis, and both of our legal careers took a hit. We lost everything — our home, our car, our way of life. And shortly after we separated, my father, who was “my rock,” passed away.
My previous coping strategies, like going to the gym to work off stress, were inadequate to deal with the loss of everything I had held dear and the uncertain future we faced. I was literally brought to my knees by the catastrophic end of everything I had known.
Truly humbled by the experience, I acknowledged that this was bigger than me and that I needed a radical new approach. My mental problem-solving strategies weren’t enough. I hit my knees and asked for help — and as I surrendered and acknowledged that I needed help, help arrived. Sometimes not the way I expected, like the time my neighbor’s father asked me to trim the large tree that was overhanging the fence into his daughter’s yard. Since we were moving, I was reluctant to spend money trimming that enormous ficus. But I did, and then he offered to rent one of his houses to me, at precisely the moment I needed to find a new place to live and at a price I could afford.
How exactly did I get the help I needed?
• Meditation and prayer: Each morning before the kids woke up, I would spend at least fifteen minutes sitting cross-legged on the floor, taking deep breaths and quieting my mind. I would then ask for help and guidance from my “Higher Power” so that I could let go of what needed to be let go, allow life to unfold, and make good decisions that day. Your Higher Power may be God or the universe or another power; it doesn’t matter. Admitting you need help and asking for it is all that is required.
• Reading the masters: I incorporated spiritual and uplifting reading into my morning routine, which grounded me for the challenges of the day ahead.
• Journaling: I began writing in a journal about my deepest fears, which allowed me to see that as life unfolded, most of my fears were unfounded.
I found that these three things, practiced each day, allowed me to let go of my feelings of anger and fear and instead focus with gratitude on the things that mattered — the love of my children, our health, and how I showed up in the present moment. As I experienced the benefits of this practice, I increased the time spent meditating, asking for guidance, writing in my journal, and pondering what I read. And as I expanded my mindfulness practice into all aspects of my life, the results were profound and impactful. My ability to handle the unexpected increased exponentially. In the following chapters, I outline specific steps you, too, can take to radically transform your life for the better.
Action Steps to Mindfulness
To accomplish what I describe above, practice the following action steps:
• Create a place in your home for meditation. This should be a quiet place, like your bedroom, where you can rest from stress, pray, and write in a journal. You might create an altar and put pictures or tokens on it of the things in life that bring you joy. My altar is a Buddha, and over time, I have added pictures and mementos from my children, parents, and others that have had a positive impact on my life. When I sit before it in silence, it calms and centers me.
• Set aside time each day for meditation. Start each day quietly before your altar, close your eyes, and take long, slow, deep breaths. Each time a thought enters your mind, acknowledge it and return your focus to your breathing. Begin with just a few minutes each day, and gradually increase the time spent in mindful meditation. Don’t worry if you don’t know how to meditate or don’t know what to do. Just sit with yourself and pay attention to your breath. You will become aware of the constant worry and chatter that infiltrates your mind. As you become aware of this, practice being the observer. Simply observe the chatter and redirect your attention to your breath. You will find that if you stick with this practice, you will begin to experience more ease and calm.
• After quieting your mind, ask for help from whatever source you believe in (God, the universe, a Higher Power). Ask for assistance with whatever might arise during the day. Just simply acknowledge that you need help and ask for it.
• Start a journal. After spending time in silent meditation, write whatever comes to mind in your journal. Don’t edit what comes out. Just write it out. This stream-of-consciousness writing
