student achievement, and improve the general school climate.
7 Keys to Connection
Focusing on the following 7 Keys to Connection will help you to be conscientious in your efforts to connect:
7 Keys to Connection
1 Stop
2 Look
3 Ask
4 Listen
5 Smile Authentically
6 Connect Kinesthetically
7 Believe Intentionally
Stop, Look, Ask, and Listen
Keys 1–4: The first four keys—stop, look, ask, and listen—actually go together. It’s imperative that we take time to stop when we encounter another person, look them in the eye, and ask, “How are you?” or any other question . . . and then, listen for the answer. Think about it. How many of us use “Hi, how are you?” as a greeting that really just means “Hi”? Almost ALL of us!! We walk by someone quickly, say “Hi, how are you?” and we keep walking! We don’t really care how they are, or if we do, we are not showing it by our actions, not if we keep walking.
This epiphany came to me when I was forced to slow down a few years ago while enduring intensive treatment for Lyme disease. Normally, I am in “go” mode all of the time. I have so much energy, that I move fast, and loudly, everywhere. In fact, a student would often catch me in the hall as I was striding from point a to point b. Said student would say, “Mrs. T, I have a question.” And my inevitable response would be, “Walk with me, I have an answer!” And, on we would go!
Close Your Tabs
It wasn’t just my body that moved fast. My mind, too, was on the go. My husband used an analogy once that fit me to a t. He said, “Babe, you have too many tabs open.” Confused, and likely a bit defensive, I asked what he meant by that. He explained, “Your mind is like a computer with about 20 tabs open at the same time and you keep going back and forth between the tabs. You need to shut it down . . . close your tabs.” It was like a lightbulb turned on for me. He was absolutely right! In fact, now, when he can tell that my mind is racing with ideas or things to be done, he will say, “Close your tabs!” It has become an endearing joke, but there is a seriousness about it that I need to take to heart. And although at my husband’s urging, I attempted to close my tabs every once in a while, it wasn’t until I got so sick, and didn’t have the energy to move so fast, that I took time to appreciate the peace that I found in being still. I realized then that it is wonderful that I am filled with energy and enthusiasm, especially as a high school principal. Yet if I don’t take time to actually stop long enough to sincerely acknowledge a student, or a colleague, by looking him or her in the eye, with interest and intentional compassion, then my enthusiasm will have no meaning.
So, when you ask someone at school, “How are you?” be sure you stop to listen for the answer. In doing so, you will authentically connect. The same is true of relationships with fellow staff members, family members, colleagues, friends, and neighbors. Taking time to stop, look, ask, and listen will lead to renewed relationships based on sincerity and intention. By focusing diligently on these four simple words, you can help create a school community and a community in your world outside of work, in which all people feel a sense of belonging based on genuine compassion and interest. Don’t expect these four keys to become automatic. Instead, use them as often as you can and be mindful in as many interactions throughout the day as possible. You will begin to see the positive difference in yourself, as well as in those around you. There will be times when you forget and say only, “Hi, how are you?” and then move on without waiting for a response. When you realize what you’ve done, telling yourself later, “Oops, I didn’t stop to listen” or “I had too many tabs open,” consider it a step in the learning process. Once you become aware that you’re not stopping to listen, but want to, it will be easier the next time to take the action.
Smiling Contributes to Happiness
Key 5: Key 5 is inspired by the Dalai Lama (2013). He suggests that a crucial part of daily living is to smile with genuine affection. If you are conscientious about your smile, it will start in your heart and shine through your eyes. Not only will you feel the difference, but so will the person on the receiving end of your smile. Shawn Achor (2010), author of The Happiness Advantage, explains that when people are partnered and one is asked to show absolutely no emotion, while the other is asked to look into his or her partner’s eyes and genuinely smile, the person who was to show no emotion invariably smiles. One just can’t keep from smiling back. The best part however, according to Achor, is that smiling contributes to happiness. He suggests that, “[s]miling . . . tricks your brain into thinking you’re happy, so it starts producing the neurochemicals that actually do make you happy” (p. 206). What a gift it is to connect with others by smiling and, in doing so, creating an opportunity for them, and for you, to experience joy!
Make Contact at the Doorway
Key 6: Key 6 may seem contrary to what we continue to hear in the world of education today, but it is important and, thus, should be put into context. We must connect kinesthetically. I realize that, as educators, we are directed continually not to touch kids, especially in the realm of special education. Obviously, as professionals, we must respect rules that protect our students, as well their needs for personal space. Furthermore, there may be people with whom we interact in the workplace or community who for religious, cultural, or experiential reasons react negatively to physical touch, and we must respect this response. In this case, if actual touch is out of the question, then use proximity. Touch something that the person you are relating to is also touching, like a desk or chair, anything to demonstrate that connection is important.
At the same time, in most cases, a hand shake, high five, a fist bump, or some type of appropriate touch as a greeting or celebration will help you to connect. If every teacher took an extra five minutes to personally greet each student as he or she entered through the classroom doorway with a smile and perhaps a fist bump, it might save instructional time, because the students would feel acknowledged and cared about daily! Many of the classroom management issues teachers deal with on a regular basis have to do with a need for attention. Some students have not received a great deal of positive attention in their lives and therefore will act out negatively with the hope of being noticed. However, if these students are recognized positively at the beginning of every day or class period, you likely can minimize student discipline issues within the classroom, because the students are receiving positive attention immediately.
We are making an important connection when we make contact at the doorway, using this time as an opportunity to smile, look each student in the eye, and perhaps share a quick personal greeting. This effort will start the class period on a positive and encouraging note. It will also allow us to notice if a particular student seems down-and-out sad, ready-to-blow angry, or can’t-stay-seated restless, giving us valuable information before proceeding with our interactions and instruction for the day.
Find Something, One Thing, You Can Believe In
Key 7: Finally, we must believe in our students, as well as our colleagues, intentionally. Intentionality is essential, because often the people with whom we are attempting to connect may not believe in themselves. Find something, one thing, you
