and is looking forward to touring colleges and planning for his future. I’m proud of his personal achievements, just as I’m proud to have prepared both him and myself for the unanticipated situations that arise in life.
Having been a single parent for the past 13 years, I’ve been able to observe Thomas’s progress and reflect on my journey with him and the steps we’ve taken together. Most were wonderful, some were painful, but all have been survivable. Raising Thomas as a single parent has been one of the most difficult and rewarding experiences in my life. Despite the numerous challenges we’ve endured over the years, I am thankful to have learned a lot about myself. Most profoundly, I have learned about my resilience as an individual, my commitment as a parent, and my determination as a child advocate. Raising a child on the autism spectrum by myself has provided me with the opportunity to recognize when and how to implement a “Plan B.”
When circumstances change unexpectedly in everyday life, having the ability to develop and/or accept a different plan of action (a “Plan B”) is essential. Thomas and I know this firsthand.
In this book, I will share a few details with you about my life with Thomas, to give you a frame of reference and to illustrate the progress I’ve made as a single parent of a child with Asperger’s. However, my true goal is to share relevant information with you. I hope to inspire you, so that you too can devise your own “Plan B” if you’ve determined that your “Plan A” isn’t working out as you’d planned.
Our Story
Shortly after Thomas’s 4th birthday, I finally acknowledged that although my husband and I had been living together as a married couple, we’d been living our lives separately and were extremely disconnected from each other. Despite the fact that we were both devoted and loving parents to our son, after many months of deep contemplation, we eventually came to the conclusion that we’d be better parents if we were no longer a couple. Ultimately, we agreed to put our emotional selves aside for a time and make Thomas our number-one priority. In doing so, we made every attempt to make joint decisions regarding Thomas, which at times was very difficult. We made great efforts to balance his basic needs and his special needs to the best of our ability.
One thing was abundantly clear: We both loved our son dearly, and that would never change, despite the shift in our personal relationship. Our divorce was finalized when Thomas was 5. Although this was a very difficult decision, I knew I had to create a “Plan B” for myself and for Thomas. In my new role as a single parent, I needed to shape a different course for us as we moved forward.
“Plan B” in Motion
As with so many single parents who find themselves at this kind of a crossroads, at times I felt completely overwhelmed in my new and seemingly solo role. Nevertheless, I knew that what I did and how I chose to view my new situation would profoundly affect my future, as well as Thomas’. This was a time in my life when I had to look deep inside and hold on to the strong, solid, and capable person I knew myself to be. I kept reminding myself that I was resourceful and resilient. I was certainly someone who had the endurance and the wisdom to start over and support Thomas and his special needs (my new mantra). And, as tough as it was at first—and it was tough—I deliberately chose to regard my circumstances as unrealized opportunities for our future. That belief, along with a healthy dose of determination, were the motivators I needed to start again with a new plan of action—what I called our “Plan B.”
Steps Forward
As I began taking steps toward rebuilding my life as a single parent, I knew I needed to concentrate on my emotional (feeling), practical (thinking/planning), and actual (doing) states of being. So, that’s what I did.
To gain support, I quickly joined an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) parent support group with other parents who could relate to my circumstances. Eventually, I started my own monthly support group for parents, both single and coupled, with children on the autism spectrum; this is something you can do, too. Collectively, the group provided a platform to share relevant information, community resources, and personal experiences (both positive and negative) for others to learn from. Ultimately, these group meetings helped to produce “road maps” for parents whose children had received new diagnoses and for families who were entering into uncharted territory in their lives.
Emotional Steps Are Important
Don’t suffer in silence. Although many parents may consider themselves strong and able to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, the magnitude of raising a child with autism by oneself can be an utterly paralyzing experience at times. Divorce is a life-altering decision that affects everyone differently, on many emotional levels.
Reaching Out for Support: Joanne’s Story
“I can’t handle this … I just can’t do it anymore.” This became Joanne’s ongoing internal dialogue.
With an uninvolved ex and her family in a different state, Joanne struggled with juggling her work as a part-time nurse and raising her twin toddlers, one of whom was autistic. After 9 months of going it alone, with dirty laundry mounting, dishes piled in the sink, and two tired and screaming toddlers underfoot, one evening Joanne fell apart. “What am I doing? I cannot go on like this,” Joanne sobbed to a girlfriend on the phone. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I thought that with my ex out of the picture, it would be easier. I’m a capable, educated woman, and I convinced myself that I could hold down a job, care for my kids, and manage as a single parent, all without asking for help from anyone. But I feel like I’m drowning. What in the world is wrong with me?” Joanne was at her wits’ end.
Finally, Joanne asked her friends for help. A group of Joanne’s girlfriends (who were mothers themselves) got together, stepped in, and took charge. They created a schedule in which they offered their time to Joanne and her twins—something Joanne needed desperately. One friend committed to care for Joanne’s twins one afternoon a week, so she could take care of basic household tasks, such as grocery shopping, banking, and doing laundry. Another friend agreed to carpool the twins to and from preschool twice weekly, while a third friend invited Joanne to come to a weekly yoga class for some adult quiet time.
Because Joanne’s ex had chosen not to have an active role in his children’s lives after their split, Joanne said she felt guilty and was overcompensating for her ex’s absence
