When she finally did ask for help, she was able to lessen her load and refocus her energies on herself and her children—her ultimate goal!
“It’s silly when I think about it now … I was just too proud to ask for help in the beginning. I’m glad I eventually realized the value of letting go of the façade of having to be the perfect mother,” Joanne admitted. “News flash: Perfection is overrated!”
Take Emotional Steps Forward
Ask for Emotional Assistance
If you have a child with ASD, your decision to divorce or parent solo becomes substantially more complex. If you are considering separation or divorce, perhaps seeking out couples’ counseling, family counseling, or individual therapy from a licensed professional would be useful during and/or after that process. Parents can struggle during this transitional time, often as much as their children. We need to ask for assistance when we require it. Family, friends, neighbors, church members, and coworkers can be good supporters. Take comfort in knowing that you are doing the very best you can in any given moment.
Designate one afternoon a week as “grandparent time” or “family-friend time.” Use these afternoons to rejuvenate yourself, while your children enjoy someone else’s undivided attention.
Give Yourself Time to Healafter Ending a Relationship
When a relationship or marriage ends, it’s common to feel guilty, devastated, anxious, depressed, sad, angry, or even relieved. Allow yourself to feel any or all of these emotions and more. You’ve just been through a life-altering change. Healing happens over a period of time, not overnight. Allow yourself the time you need to process this enormous decision that affects both you and your child. Ending any kind of relationship can be a major loss, and you will need a period of time to grieve and/or cope with the feelings and emotions that come up.
Take breaks regularly. Make them part of your routine. Read a book, take a nap, see a movie, attend a yoga class, take a walk, or engage in other calming activities, like mediation or massage. It’s okay to take some time for yourself to reflect on your past and find solace. It’s a process. Give yourself permission to take care of your own needs. Parents are people, too!
Surround Yourself with ThoseWho Understand Your Situation
Accept the transformation in your life and embrace the new possibilities for personal growth. Your circumstances are changing, and your responsibilities are shifting, as well. Find the confidence within yourself to trust in your ability as a parent. Surround yourself with family and friends who love you and understand your choices. Spend time with those who believe in you as a person and respect your decisions as a parent. Life can be hard sometimes. Acknowledge it and try and move forward. An optimistic outlook goes a long way. Find a support group of like-minded people who can provide you with wisdom and encouragement, as well as assistance.
Feeling lonely and overwhelmed from the events of the day is common. Accept help and understanding from those who accept you and your situation.
Contact a friend, relative, or counselor or someone who will lend you support and encouragement on a regular basis. Try to focus on one positive thought each day before you go to sleep and/or when you wake up in the morning. Concentrate on what you are thankful for. Ask yourself, what did your child do today that made you smile? What made you especially happy? What made you laugh out loud?
Connect with Other Parents WhoHave Children with Special Needs
Single-parenting a child with ASD can feel isolating and terribly overwhelming at times—particularly in the beginning. Recognize that you are not alone and that there are supports out there for you. Consider seeking out other single parents with special-needs children who have been through something similar and can share their experiences with you. Find support, strategies, and even solutions from those who have walked your path and can help you find your way. If it’s helpful to you, share your circumstances with other parents. Join a support group in a community with seasoned parents who can provide ideas and alternatives when it comes to resources and services for you and your child.
If possible, join a local or online ASD parent support group. Many support groups are listed online, if you search for “local autism parent groups.” If there isn’t a local ASD parent group in your area, start one. Public places such as libraries, bookstores, and coffee shops are usually centrally located and make great locations to hold parent meetings. Typically the venue is free, and parking is accessible. You can advertise your new group to other parents of children with ASD by posting a free ad in your local newspaper, on online ASD blogs, or in online newsletters. Local disability agencies can also help you spread the word.
Move Forward Toward a New Future
A positive attitude will help you build confidence. Focus on yourself and your new life as a single parent. Realize that the past is the past, and the present is now. Moving forward toward a new beginning can be extremely intimidating, a welcome relief, or a combination of both. Either way, remember that although you are only one person, you are a capable person. Don’t be afraid to establish practical goals for yourself and your life, even if they seem out of reach initially. Revel in your newfound independence. This is your time to start fresh. Recreate yourself.
Dust off your employment skills and/or brush up on new ones. If you plan on returning to the workforce, take a class at the community college in a field of interest to you. Spruce up your résumé with skills you’ve acquired as a stay-at-home parent (examples might be PTA member, committee organizer, troop fundraiser, or board participant). If you have a college degree but you need recent work experience in a specific area, volunteer your skills. If you plan to be a nurse, volunteer at a hospital. If you want to be a teacher, volunteer at a school. If your goal is to work with animals, intern at an animal shelter. Direct your time and energies into a career path you wish to pursue. To get the word out, start networking with friends. Tell them you are actively looking for work experience and ask them for formal or informal introductions to people who can help you. Make a point to attend your friends’ parties, your child’s school functions, and your neighbors’ summer barbecues. Be sure to mingle with new people and establish connections with acquaintances. You never know who can help you achieve your goals in life.
Networking Works: Suzie’s Story
Suzie and her 12-year-old son Jack wanted to remain in the family home (and in a familiar neighborhood) after Suzie and her ex split up. To do that, Suzie knew she needed to get a job that would enable her to afford the mortgage payment. It was the end of the summer. Jack was ready to return to school, while Suzie was preparing to re-enter the work force. Because she’d been a stay-at-home mom since Jack received a diagnosis of autism at the age of 3, Suzie realized it could be difficult for her to find a job without any recent employment experience. Although she had worked as a freelance writer years ago, since the time of Jack’s diagnosis, she hadn’t picked up a pen, let alone written anything worthy of submission to a publisher. Instead, her days were spent advocating for Jack. She realized that for more than a decade, her whole life had revolved around Jack and his special
