Erica’s school program was a good one, the adjustment to all the new changes affected her behavior at school and at home for some time,” Lisa added.
Finances were an ongoing issue for Lisa and Jon. Jon’s monthly child support payments were nominal. As the primary custodian for both children, Lisa still struggled to make ends meet by working part time. This meant she had to adhere to a strict household budget to be able to live within her means.
“Fortunately, my income level as a single parent made me eligible to receive a cost reduction for after-school child care through the local YMCA. This was something I desperately needed as a working single mom,” said Lisa.
Take Practical Steps Forward
Obtain Legal Advice, Counsel,and/or Mediation Intervention
Often, you will find that as you become a single parent, you may require legal advice, expertise, and/or other outside assistance to facilitate the dissolution of your marriage. Do your homework and gather any pertinent information you need for yourself and your child regarding your specific situation. Research and understand your legal rights, options, and obligations.
When it comes to having custody of a special-needs child, certain provisions may need to be considered for the division of child custody and financial obligations as they relate to child support, overall settlement, and possible future guardianship of your child (depending on the state you live in). In most states, child support ends after the child turns 18 or finishes college, but every state has different laws and procedures. When you have a special-needs child, often a financial assistance plan can be developed and agreed upon between both parties (for example, this can be spelled out in a living trust).
If you are hiring an attorney to handle your divorce, ask for references. An attorney with experience in representing parents with special-needs children is preferable. Each state has different laws about marriage, divorce, spousal support, and child custody and/or parenting time. Make and keep copies of all records and relevant documents regarding your dissolution of marriage in case a document is lost or misfiled at a court clerk’s office.
Preparing to Transition to aSingle-Family Residence
Making the decision to physically change your place of residence is difficult on many levels. Logistically, having to organize and actually move your belongings from one location to another can be stressful for anyone, particularly for a child on the autism spectrum. Most likely, your ex will maintain shared custody of your child (also called parenting time in some states). With that in mind, many children with ASD may require special consideration when it comes moving their belongings. If and how your child’s belongings will be moved from one location to another may be a big decision that affects your child with ASD greatly. Because this issue can be an extremely sensitive topic for your youngster, determining how the process will be handled should be coordinated by both parents prior to the move.
When appropriate, sit down with your child and decide together which of her things will be located at which family home. Having your child participate in the decision-making may help alleviate any concerns she may have, while giving her a sense of control. Your child may decide to keep a few personal items with her to transport back and forth between homes. The idea is to allow her to engage in the decision-making process. Don’t be surprised if you have to repeatedly dispel concerns about your child’s possessions. Anxiety is so often part of everyday life for those with autism. You can help alleviate that anxiety by providing your child with detailed information and reassurance about upcoming events or changes. This is useful for all children, at any age.
Set Up Financial and Budgetary Goals
Finances are typically a top concern when dealing with a special-needs child, owing to having to maintain the services required to accommodate her developmental needs. Optimally, both parents will agree to financially provide for their child’s special services. If needed, the legal system can help determine the division of financial responsibilities regarding a child. As a single parent, it’s best to establish new budgetary goals for yourself and your child on the basis of your income and expenses and the limitations of a single income. Prioritize your basic living expenses and create a new budget on the basis of what’s absolutely essential. Remember, concerns involving finances are big for parents in general. But for single parents who are raising special-needs children, these concerns are magnified and must be dealt with in an organized and systematic manner to be effective.
For example, when I first became a single parent and was living on virtually one income, I had to recalculate my budget to fit my new circumstances in a way that allowed me to reprioritize my goals for myself and my son. I made a list of nonnegotiable items and compared it with things I’d like to continue to have and financially manage. This made it easy for me to see exactly what I was dealing with, how my priorities had to temporarily change, and thus how my choices would affect my finances. Over time, as I made more money, I reevaluated my priorities and added in more of the things I was able to afford prior to my divorce. It was a choice—and it was empowering to know that I was in charge of my choices.
Balancing finances can be a tricky thing. If you find that finances are limited because of the shift in your marital or relationship situation and you can no longer provide for your child’s special-needs services in the same way you did before, make a list of services and prioritize them according to your child’s greatest need at the moment. For example, if your child’s speech is delayed, but she is making definite improvement, consider keeping her speech therapy but reducing the frequency (I did this for my own son). The same goes for occupational therapy, psychotherapy, behavioral therapy, and the like. Remember, no decision is set in stone. When your financial situation improves, reevaluate your child’s needs and decide if extended, altered, or additional services are necessary.
Create a Balance between Children,Work, and Home Life
As a newly single parent, sustaining a healthy balance between your life at work and your life at home with your special-needs child can be hard. Time-management skills and organizational strategies can help you prioritize the division of these fundamental components. As you prioritize your time and plans, however, recognize that things may not always go as planned. Realize that schedules may change unexpectedly. Teach your child with autism to be flexible with those changes and to be open to a “Plan B.” You may even make up scenarios with your child, creating an “A Plan” and a “B Plan” for certain situations. Have your child practice being “flexible” with unexpected outcomes. Be clear with your children about expectations and responsibilities—yours and theirs.
Try and share at least one family meal together every day. Include your child in household tasks and family activities, such as grocery shopping or making a family meal. Create new memories and share new experiences with your child. Help your child understand that she is an integral part of your “new” family unit. Sit down with your child and create a plan or schedule for the day or week. Let her know that her input is important to you.
Develop a Family System to Co-Parentwith Your
