an effective and appropriate method of communicating with your ex, where you express yourself openly and directly but never through your child. If appropriate, designate a specific day or time of the week when the two of you can meet and discuss issues regarding your child. Try not to speak negatively of the other parent in front of your child. To demonstrate “co-parenting,” when disciplining your child, try and establish consistency by respecting rules and consequences in both homes (whenever possible). For example, if your child loses computer privileges in one home, try and be consistent with the same consequence in both homes. This may or may not be possible all of the time (or any of the time). But, it’s important for your special-needs child to understand that each parent may approach things differently, rather than one parent being “right” and the other parent being “wrong.” I can’t express this point strongly enough: Even if you don’t agree with the consequence given to your child by the other parent, working together shows your child that both parents are united in their parenting. For example, when my ex imposed a consequence on my son after he pushed another child at recess, I carried out the consequence in my home, as well.
NOTE: Oftentimes, local community colleges or community centers offer parenting classes that address co-parenting topics after a divorce.
Whenever possible, maintain a cordial relationship with your ex. Try to exchange information about your child regularly in person, over the telephone, or through e-mail. If issues arise that require your joint attention (examples would be dietary issues, medical problems, bullying at school, behavioral outbursts, psychological concerns, and the like), offer to meet with the other parent. In fact, whenever you can, try and meet with the other parent regularly to share positive information about your child (and even with your child, when appropriate). This provides an opportunity to have positive discussions about your child (examples might include making progress with peers in social settings, reaching academic achievements, attaining behavioral benchmarks, and so on).
I realize that oftentimes, especially at first, co-parenting with a disengaged or uncooperative parent can be challenging. This becomes even more complicated when you are co-parenting a child with autism. However, how you deal with this kind of situation will directly affect the potential outcome. When effective communication about your child is not possible between you and your ex, try to exchange information by using nonconfrontational methods (perhaps via attorneys and/or in writing). In fact, there may be no other way around it. E-mail can be very useful in this regard. Although this may not be optimal, it may be necessary in the beginning.
Hopefully, over time, the communication between you and your ex will improve to the point where you can have direct contact. Believe it or not, many contentious relationships improve or “normalize” after a while. I have known several couples that weren’t on speaking terms during their divorce but were able to finally co-parent their special-needs child effectively because they put the best interest of their child first. If you need assistance when it comes to how to communicate effectively with your ex, perhaps you can seek counseling or therapy (perhaps involving role-playing) so you can generate ideas about how best to cope with a difficult ex.
Write down the practical steps forward that will assist you in exploring options, taking action, and embracing new responsibilities as a newly single parent of your special-needs child.
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Actual Steps
With all the transitions that occur when a family divides, usually the greatest concern parents have is how the breakup will affect their children.
Providing Continuity: The Smiths’ Story
Brian Smith, now 7, had received a diagnosis of ASD with significant behavioral issues at the age of 4. When Brian’s parents announced their separation and decision to divorce, they anticipated that Brian may have difficulty understanding and accepting the changes in their family. The previous year, Brian had been suspended twice for kicking his aide. The first time, he had a behavioral outburst over an unexpected math quiz, and the second time, he went into sensory overload after a music assembly. He didn’t always react well to change.
Brian also had a 9-year-old sister, Emma. Even though the Smiths knew that the news of their separation could be difficult for the children to understand and accept in the beginning, Mrs Smith was more concerned about how the changes in their family would affect both children over time. First and foremost, the Smiths wanted their children to understand that their decision to divorce had nothing to do with either one of them. To that end, as suggested by their family therapist, Mr and Mrs Smith agreed to have a family meeting to explain to their children some (age-appropriate) practical and logistical details about their divorce.
“My husband and I realized that ‘spelling out’ for the kids when they would be with which parent was imperative. Knowing this in advance really helped them. Our goal was to be as unambiguous as possible about our new schedules and any other future expectations. Because routine was especially important in addressing Brian’s needs, creating visual family schedules and laying out plans were crucial,” Mrs Smith added.
During their separation process, the Smiths consulted with their family therapist regularly. The therapist helped them develop a “game plan” during their time of transition. For example, to make the transition smoother for both children, the therapist suggested that Mr and Mrs Smith inform Brian and Emma’s schoolteachers about their new family circumstances. They also informed Brian’s service providers immediately.
“Initially, I felt embarrassed about telling the school about our family’s business, because I felt it was private. Then, I realized it would eventually become common knowledge anyway,” Mrs Smith confided. “Emma did exhibit some social anxiety at school after my husband and I separated, so I was glad I spoke to her teachers about it ahead of time. Because they knew what was going on, they were understanding with Emma and were able to better address her anxiety at school. I feel it was the right decision to alert her teachers about our family’s changing circumstances,” she said.
As advised by their family therapist, the Smiths filled both of their homes with several of their children’s favorite things—Legos and Transformers toys for Brian and games and books for Emma. Additionally, to address Brian’s special diet and medication requirements, Mr and Mrs Smith provided gluten-free foods and Brian’s special medications in both homes at all times.
“We made some very simple accommodations that were so important for the well-being of both of our children,” said Mr Smith.
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