who now works for one of the world’s largest technology companies, had examples from both categories.
I was already the outcast by elementary school. I remember liking Gonzo on the Muppet Babies, whose alien race was self-professed “Weirdo.” He ignored what others thought. He was in love with Miss Piggy and was artistic and brainy—just being himself and not trying to be anything else. He was honest and good, but not perfect, and I could relate to that.
In high school, I loved Spider-Man. To me he was the most relatable superhero. He didn’t live in a mansion and he had difficulty maintaining relationships, despite his great power and even greater intellect. He was noble and really smart and very funny.
I also found that one way I handled teasing from others was I modeled myself on aspects of Conan O’Brien (an American television host, comedian, writer, and voice actor). I like those who approach almost all subjects with absurdity. I watched his show and observed that Conan’s sense of humor is to be self-deprecating. It is far more difficult for others to make fun of one if one is already doing so. It is quite disarming to them, yet also appealing. That helped me.
How to Break Your Child’s Bad Habits— A Necessary Step So Your Child Keeps Moving Forward
Limits, like fear, are often an illusion.
—Michael Jordan
Hope is a function of struggle.
—Brené Brown, Ph.D.
It’s excruciating to watch your child experience emotional distress. Your natural instinct is to do whatever it takes to protect them from pain. Doubtless you’ve had plenty of practice doing the “rescue dance.” You grabbed them by the back of the shirt when as toddlers they yet again darted away from you to God knows what stranger or danger. Later you made “apology eyes” at waitresses/clerks/other moms as you rushed them out of the restaurant/store/party when they started to meltdown and scream the way only an autistic child can scream. And now, as they have grown older, you may find yourself turning away and backing off when they slam shut their bedroom door for the zillionth time if you inadvertently interrupt their never-ending video game.
These behaviors became habits. When your child was younger, they really did need you to be their proxy in a dangerous world. They relied on you to spot danger they were oblivious to, to speak up for them when they couldn’t find words, and to retreat instead of moving closer when they reached overload and couldn’t handle what would have been comfort to another child.
Now it’s time to break these habits. They no longer serve you or them. Your child is growing up, and they need to develop as much self-sufficiency as they are capable of. If you take on tasks your child is actually able to handle on their own, you inadvertently elicit feelings of ineptness and impotence. Trying to help when it’s not genuinely needed creates a sense of incompetency. Your child instead desperately needs (even if it comes with kicking and screaming) a sense of self-agency. This comes from handling tough situations as independently as possible.
The Teenage Years are Different for ASD Teens
If you have neurotypical children, you may marvel at how differently they navigated their teenage years compared to your child on the autism spectrum. It often seems like adolescence really never registers as a separate developmental phase for a spectrum child. They may enter into their teens seemingly unchanged. They might continue to pursue the same special interests and are usually content to entertain themselves in isolation. They prefer to stay home rather than joining their NT peers, who are now yearning to get out of the house and explore the world. You probably don’t have to worry about them drinking and driving, but it may seem like you’re going to be stuck chauffeuring them for life, since many have no apparent interest in getting a driver’s license.
This might not exactly describe your child, but you probably related to at least some of these common themes. Adolescence for teens on the spectrum usually has a very different tone and set of struggles than for neurotypical teens. While NTs are chomping at the bit for freedom from their parents, taking increasingly bold (exciting to them, nerve-racking to you) risks, and spending proportionally much more time with peers than with family, this isn’t the case for the typical spectrum child.
Instead, they may be retreating further into themselves. While their peers hunger for driver’s licenses, engage in sexual and drug experimentation, wear the hippest fashions, and attend parties, kids on the spectrum often don’t care about these things. More commonly, they actively disdain these urges. Yet you suspect that under their contempt and antipathy they may actually be lonelier than ever. And you’re probably right.
If your teen has no interest in typical adolescent pursuits, don’t sweat it. Autistic teenagers can sometimes basically skip traditional adolescence. Successful autistic adults often became involved in “adult” pursuits while their peers were busy fine-tuning socializing with each other. Socializing with teenagers is not a necessary life skill! As long as your child is active and engaged with someone (versus being reclusive or apathetic), it’s fine for them to hang out with adults instead of their peers. It won’t make them popular at school, but who cares? A successful life is not about popularity.
Teens Need Straight Talk
If you haven’t talked to your teen openly about their diagnosis, do it now. Hopefully you’re way past this point on the journey, but we realize there may be some readers who suspect their teen is on the spectrum, but haven’t yet received a diagnosis or brought it up. We can’t stress enough how strongly we believe that knowledge will serve you better than guessing. Your child already knows they are different, and they’ve certainly come up with their own explanation for that difference. Without accurate information and feedback, sadly they’ve most likely explained their differences to themselves in ways that are judgmental and demoralizing.
If you haven’t yet broached the subject of autism, you can start by providing brief written information. If you know there’s no way they’ll read anything, try just “happening” to be watching a YouTube video of a teen on the spectrum when you know they’ll be walking by (there are scores of really good ones online these days—use the YouTube search feature). Or do an online search and print out a self-diagnosis quiz or checklist from the Internet. Put it in their room. We are not suggesting that online screening questionnaires are sufficient for accurate diagnosis. They can, however, help provide an easy way to ease into a discussion.
Don’t be afraid to give them other books as well. When Temple was 15 years old, her Aunt Anne handed her a copy of Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking with instructions to read it. It made an impression that resulted in changes in her thinking and attitude.
Without repeated and vigorous loving pushes from you, your teen on the spectrum may continue living the life of an adolescent, forever frozen in time. They may be perfectly content letting you handle all the necessary tasks of daily life. For example, they may not see the need for driving, as they don’t have a vision that includes going to new places.
Living in Their Bedroom is Not an Acceptable Life
Neurotypical teens usually fantasize about their first apartment and yearn for the freedom it symbolizes. Your spectrum teen may instead prefer to keep everything the same—staying at home in their own bedroom, even with their old, childhood furniture. You know this is not healthy, but they may see no disadvantages to it. So it is up to you to make sure this doesn’t happen.
