had to repeat the physical action over and over. But the dogs finally got it and the effect lasted! Same with Patrick—it took lots of restaurant trips, but now he looks forward to going out to eat.
Learning Optimism and Resisting Habitual Negative Thinking
Dr. Seligman also coined a second term: “learned optimism.” Based on earlier work of both Albert Ellis’s rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) and Aaron Beck’s cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), Seligman added two more pieces. In both of these therapies, it is assumed that something activates an event (A), then we respond with a rational or irrational belief (B), and then this belief influences the consequence (C). When we get stuck in irrational beliefs, we get stuck in self-defeating consequences.
Seligman realized that more than intellectual insight is needed to maintain changes in our behavior, so he added “disputation” (D) and “energization” (E) to the model. Disputation means we have to expose our kids to counter-evidence of their beliefs—often in the midst of their vigorous resistance. Energization means we actively celebrate the success that follows making positive choices and reclaiming autonomy.
These two steps to change bad habits are particularly important for ASD kids. Autistic kids have brains that are built to be great at focusing like an intense laser. But the downside is their brains don’t naturally try on alternative perspectives or explanations. We have to guide them in this direction, and we have to have them practice it over and over. When autistic kids get stuck on an irrational belief, they’re unlikely to unstick themselves without our active intervention and help. We have to provide them both insight and action.
The insight must be based on clear logic, not an appeal to emotion. And even then, as Ellis famously said, “insight alone will help you very little.” Our kids need specific ways to recognize their thinking distortions and concrete ways to shift that thinking. Below are three ideas that are easy to understand and can help you guide your child.
Know the Three “Ps” on the Road to Success
There are three easy ways to remember how to teach our kids to resist habitual negative thinking and self-blame. Known as the “3 Ps,” they involve concepts of Permanence, Pervasiveness, and Personalization. We’ll describe how each one can be used to help people on the spectrum.
“Permanence”
Our kids often assume that bad events are permanent and good events are temporary. They aren’t necessarily consciously aware of this belief. It needs to be clearly pointed out to them—over and over. And they need specific examples of bad things they’ve experienced that in fact were not permanent.
Debra remembers working with Patrick when he was learning to drive. After a year of practicing in parking lots and side streets, then taking driver’s education classes, he signed up for the on-road examination. He failed it (as he was convinced he would, in spite of evidence to the contrary that he was capable of good, safe driving). His mind was saying he would fail, his anxiety skyrocketed, and he made a mistake he didn’t make in practice.
After this “bad” event, Patrick swore he’d never again try to take the test. He was adamant! He believed that if he failed once he would always fail. He retreated into helplessness. As his Aunt Mary says, “He needs more than average success before he’ll own it, and even then he struggles because his negative voice is still loud.”
It took some time for Patrick’s emotional state to return to baseline, and then we had many talks about the faulty logic in his thinking. It also took him getting back in the driver’s seat as soon as possible. We renewed our emphasis on relaxation and breathing technique and rehearsed self-talk. He retook the exam and passed. He now drives both locally and out of town! Now when other “bad” things happen, this example serves to remind him that while his initial belief may always be “once a bad outcome, always a bad outcome,” this in fact is untrue. He has indisputable proof.
Patrick and his Dad—a successful outcome!
“Pervasiveness”
A second self-defeating attitude—“pervasiveness”—is assuming that difficulty or failure in one area means life as a whole is a failure. Optimistic people compartmentalize problems, but ASD children need extra and specific help with this. When they have difficulty with one task, kids on the spectrum often conclude they are bad at every task. They’ll need your help listing areas they are good at. Better yet, get them involved as soon as possible in an activity they feel good about. Keep up involvement in that area on a regular basis so that they routinely experience mastery. It doesn’t have to be a big deal thing. Sarah, the wildlife biologist profiled earlier, remembers how important it was to help her neighbor Armida with small tasks such as weeding alongside her in the garden. It’s hard to mess up weeding, and Armida was genuinely appreciative of the help.
“Personalization”
The last “P” is personalization. There is a huge difference between how optimists and pessimists attribute cause to events. When bad things happen, pessimists assume they personally caused it. Optimists assume it was just bad luck or bad circumstances. On the other hand, when good things happen, pessimists assume it was just “dumb luck.” Optimists, however, internalize a sense of achievement and give themselves credit for their role in success.
Katie, the mom of Scott, the former quality assurance tester, recalled a game she created to motivate and reward learning manners. This is a great example of one simple way to both reinforce specific skills and internalize a child’s sense of personal accomplishment. Scott’s mom made up “the manners game,” which was played at the dinner table at least once every week.
I’d place two nickels in front of each person’s place setting. Then I’d pick one table manner I wanted to teach—one week not chewing with your mouth open, another not putting your elbows on the table, and so forth. I made it a fun game and my husband and I played along, even making mistakes on purpose to give Scott and his siblings a chance to spot them. Every time a child spotted a mistake, they were awarded one of the nickels belonging to the person who made the mistake. They got to keep it and save or spend it. But if they made a mistake, they lost a nickel and there was no arguing or whining allowed. The kids found the game very motivating and didn’t realize they were learning rules and attitudes—they just liked the treat of having game night.
The Critical Impact of Mentors
A very important ingredient in every personal profile in Chapter 1 was that each individual had at least one parent, teacher, neighbor, employer, or other mentor to guide them. These adults blended being a positive role model, a source of advice or information, and someone who expected effort and accountability.
These folks weren’t professionals and they didn’t necessarily know about autism, but they recognized the uniqueness of each child and sensed their areas of need. They created opportunities to both nurture and instruct the child. They saw the best in each youngster, even when that child couldn’t see it for themselves. And when the child felt that appreciation, it stayed in their hearts forever.
Listening to the stories of those who were profiled, it was really obvious how fondly they remembered their mentors. Some stayed in touch with them for many years. It was clear that even those who have lost touch treasure the memories of their time together. Interviews with mentors were also often powerful and moving. More than one mentor shed tears as they told their stories and then heard how important they had been.
Mentors
