carefully and it turned out delicious.” People with autism typically can’t organize a response to a generalized comment or an open-ended question about their goals.
When you praise qualities of their personality, be equally specific. Avoid generalities like “You are a kind person.” Instead, give your child a concrete example of their kindness: “I was happy to see you help your father mow the lawn. You know he’s been working extra hours and has been tired. That was really considerate and kind of you.”
Self-esteem and the courage to try new things come gradually to many of our children, and they are often their own worst critics. They have frequently felt different at best, and been mercilessly bullied at worst. Many have integrated a negative self-image, and we have to actively help them reverse this.
Jaime says he still regrets how he let bullies influence his self-perception.
I should have separated myself from them. But it was confusing because the bullies would sometimes be nice to me in one-on-one situations. But whenever anyone else was around, they’d default to treating me poorly. My mistake was allowing them the opportunity to continue pestering me, and letting them assert authority over me. My mistake was placing even the slightest value on the opinions of those that treated me badly.
Avoiding Learned Helplessness
Many children on the autism spectrum are casualties of what is called “learned helplessness,” and this must be dealt with head-on. This term was coined by psychologist Martin Seligman, best known for his work in the field of “positive psychology.” Knowing the basics of his research will help you help your child. Dr. Seligman discovered that when animals or people are repeatedly subjected to negative environments that they can’t control, they pretty quickly give up. But the really scary thing he observed was that even when circumstances change and become positive, they still act powerless!
In one classic study, he placed three groups of dogs in a room with a floor that emitted a mild shock—not enough to harm the dogs, but unpleasant enough that they would naturally want to escape it. The first dogs (Group #1) experienced the shock, and were then released. Two other sets of dogs (Group #2 and #3) were yoked together in pairs. Each dog in the pair had a lever they could press with their paw. The levers actually worked for Group #2—when the dog pressed it, the shock stopped. But the dogs in Group #3 had sham levers—they didn’t do a thing.
The dogs in the first and second group quickly recovered from the experience, but the dogs with useless levers began to exhibit signs of chronic depression. And most frightening, when they were later put in a similar situation, they generalized their powerlessness and acted completely helpless.
They were put in a room with a low partition. The floor gave them a mild shock. They weren’t in a harness this time—they could have easily jumped over the partition and escaped it. But instead they simply lay down passively and whined. They didn’t even try.
Without our help, our children are like these dogs. They are very vulnerable to giving up. Kids on the autism spectrum are especially susceptible to learned helplessness for several reasons. First, they often have a history of emotional trauma. This may surprise you. But being subject to the sudden onset of sensory overload “storms” and the emotional tornados we call meltdowns is traumatic. And being bullied, which almost all children on the spectrum have endured, is definitely traumatic.
They also give up quickly due to their neurological wiring. It is difficult for them to see the big picture. In fancy terminology this is called lacking “central coherence.” Non-autistic people naturally look for the “big (central, coherent) picture” and process information within that context. Autistic children rarely do. Instead, they hyper-focus on one part of their experience and fail to see alternative choices or options.
Parents and therapists have to intentionally and consistently counteract this. With young kids, you tell them explicitly what alternatives are available. With older kids and teens, you help them come up with their own choices. Once they figure out an alternative and can put it in words, you have to make sure they act on it as soon as possible in order to reinforce it.
An Example from Temple
Temple met a woman after speaking at a conference in Argentina. The woman shared that she was afraid to go into certain stores, so she was really limited in her shopping. This distressed and inconvenienced her and she wanted to overcome it. Temple let the woman briefly talk, and then moved into action mode.
There was a newspaper stand nearby and the woman was interested in knowing the day’s news. Temple stood aside and told the woman to walk up and buy a newspaper. She did it successfully. Temple congratulated her. Then she confronted her distorted thinking by pointing out that her self-limiting thinking was inaccurate, because she had just proved she was in fact able to make a purchase at a new place. If Temple had just listened or gotten into a prolonged conversation about the woman’s fears, the woman probably would just have gotten more anxious. She certainly wouldn’t have initiated a purchase herself. Sometimes we have to “strike while the iron is hot.” It was a teachable moment that Temple grabbed. Parents can do the same.
Another Example: Patrick Learns to Enjoy Eating Out
Patrick’s Aunt Mary gives another good example of taking concrete action and using a person’s desire to overcome their fear.
Patrick used to be afraid to go to restaurants. But he loved to eat. So I would take him out even when he was being resistant. We would go to simple places that often had menus on the wall, but even this was overwhelming. At first he acted helpless and would cry and say, “I’m not going to eat!” He used to freeze and refuse to make a decision. I would tell him that while there is no rush, you can, and must decide.
“Search your brain,” I would say. I would bring him back up to the counter (he’d inevitably have walked away by then), and we would practice breathing and choosing an option. I would also have him see the big picture by paying attention to other people in the restaurant and their conversations so that he broke out of his tunnel vision.
In summary, she says, “Always teach about ways to get past the anxiety and helplessness rather than let it take over the situation.”
These days one of Patrick’s favorite things to do with his aunt is going out to eat. She tells him he has become a “restaurant social butterfly.” She recalls the day she watched him come out of the restroom laughing and joking with a woman in the waiting area. “I was so proud of him!”
From his own perspective, Patrick says, “Mary used to take me out to restaurants and I just didn’t know what to order. If it’s a place you order from a waiter, I still tend to ask for recommendations. That makes it easier. But it’s also helped me branch out and try new foods I would never try as a kid and didn’t even know existed!”
Patrick was asked for some examples of the most “exotic” foods he’s tried and liked. The joy in his voice came through when he described them.
Dim sum and blue cheese and feta cheese. Salmon was my “gateway” food! I thought, oh my God—this is delicious!” I get kind of crazy around salmon! And there are so many types of fish out there!
Patrick’s Aunt Mary instinctively did the two things that Dr. Seligman found works to reverse learned helplessness. With the dogs, he had to put them back in the old situation and then he physically manipulated them over the barrier. He literally lifted them and moved their legs in ways that mimicked how the dog would naturally jump. This is what Mary did when she went and got Patrick and brought him back up to the menu.
But there is a second necessary step. If
