YAP ISLAND
Real dirty dancing…
Love to dance but got no partner? Come join the Wayuu! They are a happy lot. And for good reason. They wander freely through the jungles, deserts, and beautiful Caribbean coasts of northwest Venezuela and northern Colombia. They can hook up anytime with ghosts of loved ones who inhabit the Guajira Peninsula. Better yet, they can hook up with potential mates at the fertility dance, Chichimaya.
As soon as they hit their teens, Wayuu girls are hidden away for months, especially from teenage boys. After they are “mature,” they can join a Chichimaya dancing bash. Boys dance wildly in circles, waving their hats and teasing the girls to chase them. When a girl spots a guy she thinks is hot, she dances after him. If she can trip him and he goes down, he has a hope of marrying her, knowing they’ll have sizzling hot sex for the rest of their days.
If he does fall for her and she accepts him, he’ll pay her family with a fine dowry of goats. Later, if his wife takes a lover, her family has to return the goats. If hubby plays around: more goats to the in-laws.
WAYUU OF VENEZUELA AND COLOMBIA
Keep those wholesome family traditions
On the long, lovely beaches of the Trobriand Islands, with its azure waters and coconut palms, life is peaceful and simple. Men fish and grow yams. Women garden and weave skirts. Teenage boys learn ancestral dance and live in a bachelor pad. Teenage girls have sex with any bachelors they choose—variety is the spice of life! Doting parents give their daughters thoughtful advice, such as which boys look like good lovers.
There are rules of propriety, of course. Screwing a guy is fine, but don’t you dare engage in a premarital meal. Want to be the village bad girl? Have dinner with a guy before you’re married.
Big losers in the Trobriand Islands are the birth control merchants. Trobrianders know that sex doesn’t make babies. The proof? They have lots of the former, but few of the latter. Forget the silly notion that intercourse makes women pregnant. It’s obvious that the ancestors’ spirits (called baloma) make women pregnant. Trobrianders acknowledge, though, that intercourse might make her more susceptible to the baloma.
All these affairs are not just fun and games. They give couples a chance to test their sexual (and other) compatibility. Young women check out the guys’ potential as husbands…and they diligently conduct as much research as possible.
Trobriand Islands, Papua New Guinea
Terms of Endearment
Tired of trite nicknames for your lover, like “Honey” or “Sweetheart” or “Sugar”? Rev up your romance with these awesome international terms of endearment.
Petit chou (French) – Little cabbage. When your French lover calls you a head of cabbage, he’s being romantic, not pushing for an early dinner.
Tamago gata no kao 卵形顔 (Japanese) – Egg with eyes. If your Japanese lover calls you an “egg with eyes,” he’s flattering your beauty, not commenting on your IQ.
Chuchuzinho (Portugese/Brazil) – Little pumpkin. Your Brazilian lover is being affectionate, not criticizing your figure.
Ma puce (French) – My flea or louse. Your French sweetie is being loving, not complaining that you’re as irritating as a flea or head lice.
Chang noi (Thai) – Little elephant. You can use this affectionately to your children, not your husband or lover. Unless, of course, you want to say that his equipment is small.
Polpetta (Italian) – Meatball. You know how important food is to Italians. He’s saying you’re yummy, not round and squishy.
Chényú luòyàn 沉鱼落雁 (Chinese) – Diving fish, swooping geese. Your Chinese lover is saying you’re beautiful, not that you look like a fish with the brains of a goose.
Mijn poepie (Dutch) – My little poo or poopie. Yep, meant with love. Not much more to say about this.
Gordo/gorda (Spanish) – Fatty. A term of affection. Not suggesting you join Weight Watchers.
Khanfoussti / Khanfoussi
Gang-a-ji 강아지 (Korean) – Puppy. Your darling is saying you’re cute, not that you’re a dog.
Zhū tóu 猪头(Chinese) – Pig head. Said lovingly. Not a comment on your appearance or eating habits.
Pulcino (Italian) – Little chicken. Yes, another term of love, not a comment on your brain power or annoying, baseless fears.
Krümel (German) – Crumb. Said fondly. Not related to the English “crummy.”
Karale (Malayalam) – Liver. Not comparing you to a large, rubbery organ that secretes bile, but to what (they think) is the source of love. Their version of the Italian cuore mio.
Manaraki Μαναρακι (Greek) – A small lamb being fed to prepare for slaughter. Said with affection. Not preparing you for getting wooed then dumped (though Greeks do have sex more often than anyone else in the world).
Jigaret Udem (Armenian) – “I will eat your liver.” No need to run, unless she’s approaching with a carving knife.
Xiao qiu yin 小蚯蚓 (Chinese) – Small earthworm. Term of endearment for a woman, not a comment on a man’s character or apparatus.
Gomba (Hungarian) – Mushroom. He’s being romantic, not saying you live in the dark and smell like poop.
Moosh bokhoradet
Microbino mio (Italian) – “My little microbe.” She’s saying you’re adorable, not that you’re making her sick.
Zuzuni Ζουζουνι (Greek) – Bug. Again with the insect reference. Not sure what’s going on with the Europeans’ passion for bugs.
Mijn Bolleke (Flemish) – “My little round thing.” Said fondly, not a comment on your hips.
Brzydalu (Polish) – “Ugly one.” Hard to figure this one. Maybe follows that old song, “if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife…” Except you use it for your man.
Mae-yod-choo (Thai) – “Mother with the most lovers.” To be said lovingly by a man to his wife. Implications as you wish.
Looking for a few good men!
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