or “commands”? We started using the word “direction” because of parents' reactions to the words “command” and “request.” Many parents feel that “command” is too authoritarian. “Request,” on the other hand, suggests that the child has a choice when choice is not intended. When shoes are in the middle of the floor and you want them picked up right away, you are not asking for a favor or providing choice. You are polite. You are clear. You are reasonable. You give a clear direction, and you expect your child to follow your direction—now, please.
If I tell him to put something in his room, but I don't say where, who am I to get mad? He did what I told him to do. Yes, telling children exactly what you want them to do sets them up to be successful.
I used to demand things from my children, not use good manners myself. Some parents feel that respect should be a one-way street—children show respect to parents, not the other way around. But how do children learn to show respect unless they experience it from their parents?
After a while, I didn't feel as if I needed to continue doing the “now, please” routine. Now I only do it when I feel as if they're not really focusing or paying attention. When your children become accustomed to the direction/cooperation routine, you can relax use of the word “now.” If compliance is a problem in your home, however, stick to the technique.
Chapter Three
Accentuate the Positive
So far, you have learned how to set simple goals for your family and how to give clear directions to increase your children's compliance. If you are following these strategies, you should be noticing a positive shift in how you and your children interact. Now we will take advantage of that positive momentum and begin to use encouragement to teach your children new skills. The way to do that is to catch your children being good. Even the most obstinate kids do something right occasionally. You just have to look for it.
Our research shows that accentuating the positive side of parenting and minimizing the negative build children's self-confidence and enhance a spirit of cooperation throughout the family. You may not be able to eliminate negativity altogether; problems have a way of creeping into life. But know this—a parent's negative comments carry more weight than praise. It takes about five positive remarks to make up for the cost of a single negative comment. This positive-to-negative balance operates as a kind of bank account. To maintain a positive balance, you have to look for the many small positive steps your children take as they learn the skills for success in today's world. Shining a light on their small accomplishments will nurture the new behaviors that will help them grow. So how do you catch your children being good?
Let's say Kristin, your five-year-old daughter, has been having a bad day and it's starting to get to you. You are in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher while Kristin is having a bowl of cereal at the table. When she finishes, she stands on her tippy toes to put her empty bowl in the sink, but it slips and lands with a loud clunk. The bowl didn't break, but it could have. What does your critical side urge you to do? You could yell: “Watch out, Kristin! Can't you be more careful? You almost broke that bowl!”
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Okay, let's back up and take a closer look at what just happened. Your daughter was helping you without being told. She was probably feeling good about it, too. Instead of offering Kristin praise for helping, you criticized her for not doing it perfectly. Without realizing it, you just taught Kristin to associate helping out with being scolded. This kind of situation happens among adults as well. If you are criticized when trying to help your boss or a coworker, you probably think: “That's the last time I help that jerk.” So what happens if we rewind and turn that situation around to accentuate the positive?
When Kristin puts her bowl in the sink, you have the chance to catch her being good. Seize the moment! Stop what you're doing! Smile at her, and say: “Thank you for putting your bowl away, Kristin. You are such a big help.” Your daughter beams a smile in return.
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It may not seem like much, but by praising her action, you strengthen the odds that she will want to put her bowl away again or do other things to please you. And if you don't want your dishes broken, you can put a small step stool next to the sink.
Grin and Bear It
Have you ever tried to keep a smile plastered on your face when you are stressed out, tired, and angry inside? Then you know how hard it can be sometimes to accentuate the positive. If you are stressed out and with your children, you have to be extra careful not to let your irritability wipe out the positive balance you've accrued in your relationship account. You know how that goes. Your son does something wrong; you notice his mistake and correct him: “No. Don't do it that way! I told you to fold the towels into thirds like this. How hard can that be?” The positive approach goes something like this: “You're good at folding towels in half. Let me show you a new way that makes it super easy to stack them in the linen closet.”
Teaching through encouragement builds cooperation. Encouragement—“Good job! That's how to do it!”—promotes mastery and self-confidence in your children. Children's positive feelings are infectious and will spread throughout the family. We have shown this to be true in our studies for children of all ages. On the other hand, criticism, even when it's constructive, hurts. Most human beings react to pain by striking back, withdrawing, or resisting. Think of your own experiences with criticism. The comments you recall as you're drifting off to sleep are often the negative ones that point out your mistakes or flaws.
Negative comments include criticism, disagreements, and correction. Of course, we have to correct our children from time to time; and yes, we know that disagreements lead to new perspectives. But when it comes to teaching children, it's best to avoid criticism and save disagreements for other times.
It seems to be a universal principle that we learn best when someone sets us up to succeed and recognizes our progress along the way. When you use encouragement to teach your children, they approach new experiences with a sense of excitement. Whether you realize it or not, you have been using encouragement to teach your children already. Remember when they were tiny tots learning to walk? You held their hands for their first steps. You stood right at their side as they started walking on their own. And they knew just how proud you were because you showered them with smiles and praise. It was easy then. You also found it easy to teach your children language. When they were babies, you played sound games with them, helping them build sounds into words and words into sentences. Using language is one of the most important human activities, and parents are the primary teachers for helping children form this foundational skill. You have shaped the way your children speak and the things they talk about through daily conversation. Did you even notice how often you accentuated the positive?
Depending on their age, you may have taught your children toileting, getting dressed, brushing their teeth, and table manners. Next, you introduced more complicated skills, like playing games, washing dishes, and doing homework. For most parents, teaching complex skills is more difficult because they involve many steps, present different challenges for each child, and require attention and patience to achieve. Children's success depends on their parents'teaching skills and their ability to stay involved.
We have developed and tested two main approaches
