mom isn't angry. She wants to argue some more but, taken off guard by her mom's behavior, she forgets what she was arguing about. She furrows her little brow and tries to think. Mommy said please come to the kitchen. Mommy told her before that people say please when they are being nice. She smiles and puts down the iPad. She takes her mom's hand and walks to the kitchen.
• • •
Kayla ensured Isabelle's cooperation by including all the strategies for giving clear directions. First, she made pleasant physical contact with Isabelle to get her attention. Then her brief, clear words told Izzy exactly what to do: Come to the kitchen now, please. Isabelle (or anyone!) would find it hard to ignore a direction given in this manner. The word “please” modeled the kind of polite behavior Kayla wants Isabelle to emulate. Kayla waited patiently and silently, giving Isabelle the opportunity to respond. The hard part, which requires a fair amount of practice, was to resist answering Isabelle's “why” question. This favorite stalling tactic seldom ends with cooperation. Instead, Kayla controlled her emotions, pleasantly and silently held her ground, and then repeated the direction.
Recap
Making goal statements a habit will help you create the kind of environment you want for your family. At the most basic level, we want our kids to be happy and to feel secure. Goals help us define the behaviors we want to nurture in our children and ourselves. They give us outcomes toward which we can work. Clear directions let your children know what you want them to do, removing the ambiguity and guesswork of your communications. Now you can start working on teaching your children new behaviors and establishing routines that give your family life structure and predictability—conditions that allow your children to feel secure and thrive.
Parents who prompt compliance with clear directions can avoid coercive interactions and promote a cooperative spirit. They seldom have to resort to commands. Giving clear directions is not a final solution, but it sets you and your family on a good path. This is an important first step in a long chain of change. In the next chapter, you'll see how goal statements and clear directions can help you teach children new skills and habits through encouragement.
Practice Assignment
Practice using clear directions and take note of your children's response. Choose a fifteen- to thirty-minute time each day to keep track of the quality of your directions and your children's compliance and noncompliance in response. Notice whether or not the quality of your directions affects your children's responses. Count a response as compliance if the child starts following your direction within ten seconds. If not, count the response as noncompliance.
Tracking Sheet for Giving Clear Directions
Put check marks in the appropriate columns below.
Examples:
What went well? __________________________________
_____________________________________________________
What didn't? ____________________________________
_____________________________________________________
When did you stand and hold? ____________________________
_____________________________________________________
What Do Parents Say?
Here are some common responses from parents who have tried our strategies for setting goals and giving clear directions.
I was surprised to find such a strong connection between my directions and my child's behavior. The assignment to keep track of how you give directions and how your children comply teaches you more than words in a book.
The instructions for giving clear directions works as well with my three-year-old as it does with my teenager! Giving clear directions works well for any age group. Teenagers can become rather touchy, so you may want to avoid physical contact, but proximity and pleasant eye contact are good alternatives. On the other hand, physical touch may be necessary to get a young child's attention. The silent stand and hold is often startling to teens and tweens who have learned the pleasure of a good argument. And by the way, this technique works with adults, too.
Instead of shouting out a command, I'm actually staying calm, walking up to him, and telling him to do something calmly. Parents feel better about themselves when they regulate their emotions and tell their children what they want—especially when that extra effort has such a good effect on their children's cooperation.
I don't have the time . . . How much time is spent arguing when your directions are not followed?
I shouldn't have to be so careful. They should just do what I tell them, no matter how I tell them. If your children follow your directions regularly, you don't need this technique. You and your children have already mastered this phase of the art of cooperation. If, however, compliance is a regular problem, strengthen your strategies by giving clear directions.
I get so upset when . . . and therefore I can't, won't, don't . . . Yes, as human beings, we get upset, and then we are not at our best. You may have to change your own behavior to set your children up for success. This is the first law of family cooperation.
I thought you were supposed to give children rationales. Rationales are important. But discussing the reasons why children should put their toys away, help each other, or come to the dinner table are most effective when they take place on separate occasions. Do you really need to explain why it's important to shut the door or turn down the TV? Such verbiage is likely to end up as distraction at best or an argument at worst. If you don't believe this, try alternating using the clear direction technique with a direction that includes a lengthy rationale. Which works better?
I shouldn't have to say “please.” Teaching children to use the words “please” and “thank you” begins with parents modeling the way to behave. Sometimes, parents prefer to communicate the essence of “please” through the manner in which they deliver the direction. For example, they may give the direction along with an endearment, such as “sweetie” or “honey.”
Why should I say “now”? Some parents feel that saying “now” is dictatorial or authoritarian. Your nonverbal communication can make all the difference in the world. Since you are going to stand and hold until your children begin to comply, you probably want them to get started right away. A reasonable time to wait for a “now” direction is ten seconds. If you think about it, ten seconds is a long time to stand and hold. Try it. At the same time, ten seconds gives your child a chance to recognize that you mean business, and you haven't left the scene of the action. You can give your children a signal that a direction will be coming: “Five minutes until dinner time!” But when you want your children to come to the dinner table, use all the elements of the clear direction technique.
I don't like to track things with charts. Try it out for just a couple of days and determine whether it's worth your while.
What do I do when I give a perfectly clear direction and it has no effect? Don't be alarmed. This is true for many families. In the coming chapters, we'll introduce ways to strengthen the power of your directions.
Why
