have trouble finding the patience to think about strengths and values and don't take the time to make positive goal statements. We know from our research, however, that focusing on strengths helps parents remember why they wanted children in the first place and why they love them so much. And focusing on goals can help solve all kinds of problems in all types of families.
Daniella and Cesar were skeptical about making goal statements. They were at their wits end and wanted the pain to stop. When asked about their goals for their family, they stated they wanted their children to stop fighting and to do as they were told without arguing. They couldn't imagine how thinking about their strengths and values and identifying goals could improve the behavior of any of their three children—two boys in elementary school, Benito and Miguel, and a daughter in middle school, Ava. They seemed to be at war over something every day. Daniella summed up her feelings like this: “When I tell them to do something, I want them to do it now, and I want them to do it without pushing back. I feel as if the kids are forever fighting with each other or with me. I don't see how making lists about what is good about myself or the kids will get them to stop fighting or pick up after themselves.”
Daniella and Cesar had been struggling with the chaos of school-day mornings for several months, with the kids fighting over use of the bathroom they shared. When Daniella was asked to identify a goal to help solve the problem, she started with: “I want our daughter to stop creating such a selfish scene in the morning!”
The problem here is that Daniella's goal describes what she doesn't want. Simply saying she wants Ava to stop her selfish morning dramas doesn't address what she should be doing instead. To design a plan with a chance of success, she needs to start by defining what she wants Ava to do.
Daniella was asked to remember a time when things went well between the children and identify something positive about each child. Cesar helped by remembering that Ava is especially sweet when she reads to her brothers before bed, and both boys like to snuggle up next to her while listening with rapt attention. It was surprising how drawing up that image of the children acting cooperatively changed the tone of the discussion. Even though Daniella and Cesar figured the goal of peaceful mornings would be impossible, they came up with something more realistic: “The children share the bathroom equally and get out the door to school pleasantly.” By framing their goal statement positively, they could begin to think of small steps toward the goal.
Daniella began to perk up. “Ava needs to get up on time for starters and share the bathroom.”
“And the boys have to stop banging on the door and shouting at her,” Cesar added. “Hmmm. Or maybe, stated positively, the boys have to knock quietly on the door and politely ask Ava to open up.”
Now that they had clear goal statements, the next challenge was to make bathroom time run more smoothly—no simple task. Maybe they should start with something easier than their number one problem and come back to this after they've had some practice. Our studies show that parents are more successful when they start with something the children already do well, at least sometimes, and then work to make it better.
Daniella and Cesar decided to have the kids practice working as a team doing something that didn't involve limited resources (like one bathroom, limited time, and three kids). They remembered that they do a pretty good job with the dinner dishes. Ava takes the lead at the sink, rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. Benito clears the table and wipes off the counters. Miguel puts the pots and pans away. This routine has worked well since the parents made TV and screen time contingent on finishing the dishes.
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What would the steps be in your household? As a parent, envision what you want to happen and turn that vision into action. First, sharpen your focus on your long-term goal. Can you see it clearly? What are some specific qualities or characteristics you can see? Remember, a goal is something a stranger can understand without further details. For example, if you tell your twelve-year-old daughter to “be more helpful around the house,” she may be within her rights to respond: “What does that mean? I already do a lot.” Try stating the goal like this: “I'd like you to help me with the dishes after supper.” This is a clear statement of what you want. Your daughter may still have questions, but your idea of the help you want around the house is quite specific. And you can sharpen that statement even more by saying you want her to clear the table, wipe down the counters, and sweep the floor.
The key is to find your own answers using strategies that work for you. Tailor the strategies we introduce here to fit your family's strengths, values, and dreams.
Recap
Imagining the family of your dreams means clarifying what you want in the long term and in day-to-day behaviors. You will be most successful if you build on strengths already present in your family—your own and those of your children. When we think about change, we often focus on problems, but stating a problem does not tell us what to do. Use clear and specific goal statements to turn problems into action plans.
Practice Assignment
Identify three personal strengths you have as a parent and one or two things that interfere with your parenting.
Identify one or two strengths for each one of your children.
Write down one long-term and two short-term goals that you hope to achieve.
Chapter Two
Follow My Directions
Now that you have identified family strengths and set some simple goals for family change, let's make a plan to achieve them. Guess what? It starts with compliance. When your children follow directions, they can accomplish a wide variety of goals that become increasingly complex in the months and years to come—doing well in school, showing compassion toward others, and even making the world a better place. Following directions and cooperation are inextricably linked. Parents teach their children to follow directions by providing a strong lead or example.
Cooperation is a cornerstone for learning the skills required to get along in today's world. It emerges as we teach our children prosocial behaviors like following directions, self-care, helping others, and sharing. Ideally, we begin teaching these social skills as soon as children begin developing language and are able to understand our words. Parents need a great deal of patience to shape a cooperative spirit in their children. And that starts with teaching them to follow simple directions like: Come to the table for lunch now, please. Children who learn to follow directions at home are more likely to cooperate with adults and children wherever they go. Most three-year-olds are well on their way to following directions and becoming cooperative.
Isabelle has a robust vocabulary and an insatiable curiosity. She is also strong-willed. Soon after she turned three, she started asking “why” whenever her parents, Kayla and Rick, told her to do something. At first, she wasn't being contrary; she just wanted an explanation. Her questioning elicited repressed chuckles from her parents, a response not lost on the child. Soon she was asking “why” in response to everything her parents asked her to do. Her favorite response became: “No. Why?”
At the same time, Isabelle was teaching her parents to give in with threats
