help. Then they want a quick solution. As you know, there are no simple fixes for the complexities of raising children. A counselor who barely knows you or your family cannot and should not tell you what to do. He or she can only introduce you to tools (hopefully ones that work) and show you how to apply them. As parents, you are the architects. You are in charge of designing your life according to your personal values. You'll be successful if you build on the strengths you and your family already have and plan how to achieve your goals.
Compromise
Let's look at how one mom used goal statements to overcome a problem in her family. Notice how she had to think about what she wanted and then create steps to get there.
Lisa and Adam have been married for eight years. They have a seven-year-old daughter, Hanna, and a five-year-old son, Ethan. Saturday mornings are reserved for grocery shopping, running errands, and maintaining the house and yard. Lisa takes errand duty with the kids in tow while Adam cleans the gutters, changes lightbulbs, and fixes whatever needs fixing. Saturday mornings are usually hectic and tensions run high—for Lisa. Grocery shopping is like running a gauntlet. Every aisle is booby-trapped with something to catch the children's attention. She can't get a loaf of bread without an argument: “No, you can't have that.” “That's not on mommy's list.” “Hanna, put that down.” “Ethan, stop throwing mommy's groceries out of the cart.” “Hanna, I won't say it again.” “Ethan, if you want to ride in the cart, stop sliding out of the seat.” Lisa simmers and thinks about how Adam is at home probably chatting with the neighbor about power tools or working in the garage. Lisa decides something has to change.
When she returns home, she sees Adam hooking up a TV set on the wall above his workbench. After helping the kids out of the car, she stares incredulously at Adam and then takes the kids inside for a snack. She returns to the garage, switching her gaze from her husband to the TV and back again: “Are you kidding me?”
Adam smiles, guilt oozing from his pores, and tries to explain: “This was a heck of a deal, honey. Yard sale down the street this morning. Only twenty-five dollars.”
Keeping her voice down, Lisa says: “Yes. I'm sure having a TV in the garage is exactly what you need. However, for me, I've had it with this Saturday morning routine where I run all over town doing the shopping with two kids while you pretend to tinker out here. Did I fall into a time warp? Is this the 1950s?”
Adam is taken off guard. He is proud of how he kept up the yard and house maintenance and how neatly he arranged his many tools—most of which he rarely used. He thought they were happy with the way they did things. His wife's anger is a shock that seems to come out of nowhere. He starts to defend himself, but Lisa continues: “Adam, I don't actually think you are a chauvinist. I think you are simply insensitive and selfish, and you have worked it out brilliantly so that you don't have to deal with the kids.”
“What do you want?” Adam asks cautiously. Unwittingly, Adam has asked the perfect question.
“I'll tell you what I want. I want Saturday mornings to be easier for me. Let's change places. From now on, you do the grocery shopping with the kids, and I'll stay here and watch TV in the garage.”
Lisa storms back through the kitchen. “Daddy will clean up after you when you're done. Mommy has to take a long nap.”
Lisa leaves Adam and the kids in the kitchen, shuts the door to the bedroom, and locks it. The day doesn't get any better.
• • •
This situation suggests that Lisa and Adam have more than one or two problems to solve. They've fallen into a pattern that worked well in the past, but it has lost its purpose, especially for Lisa. Some of the problems may feel familiar to you. They certainly are common for most families. And it's particularly difficult if you have to manage the many stressors of daily life on your weekend off from work, times when people need to enjoy each other's company.
Let's label some of the problems in this situation, keeping in mind that, so far, we only have the story from Lisa's perspective. The problems include: grocery shopping, kids' behavior in the store and car (arguing, noncompliance, teasing), and communication between partners. Take a moment and turn those problem behaviors into goal statements, remembering the essential elements required for success: the goal should be future-oriented, state what is desired, be positively framed, and be specific enough for a stranger to understand. Now let's look at ways to break Lisa's goal into smaller steps.
Grocery shopping is not a specific statement. It's not really clear whether grocery shopping per se is the problem, or if it is shopping with the kids along for the ride. Turning this problem into a clearly defined goal will need more conversation with Lisa.
Kids' behavior in the grocery store and car. You probably found this one easier to turn into a goal that comprises several smaller steps, like accepting “no” and following directions. Those are specific actions and parents can tell whether or not they are happening. The underlying goal is for the kids to cooperate with Mom and with each other.
Communicating with your partner. It seems pretty clear that Lisa has been harboring bad feelings about this situation for a while. Perhaps this Saturday was worse than others, but her return home did not occasion a collaborative problem-solving discussion with her husband about how to make things better. What would a reasonable goal statement be for this situation? There are many options, and they will reflect your particular values and the strengths in your partnership. Timing is important. Let's say that this couple gets along well when they have a dinner date. Then, they enjoy talking about the children, things at home and in their lives, and their hopes and plans for the future. This is the proper setting for discussions about changing things up—not when Lisa pulled up in the driveway.
If Lisa were to write down a goal statement, what do you imagine she would say? After thinking it through, Lisa decides she likes doing the shopping because she's the one planning meals for the family. She enjoys cooking and she has the time for it because she gets home from work at least two hours before Adam. The problem is the kids. Her goal statement is to be able to do Saturday morning shopping by herself.
Adam knows how much harder it is to get things done with the kids around. When they first moved into their house, Lisa taking the kids shopping with her made sense. Adam was putting in new hardwood floors in the living room, tearing down old wallpaper, and installing new appliances. It was safer for the children to go with mom. But those projects have been finished for a year. The time is overdue to change the routine to one that is more equitable. Lisa's goal statement, “I want to do my Saturday morning shopping by myself,” got the ball rolling. In many ways, Lisa and Adam's goals turn out to be the same: they each want Saturday mornings to be easier, happier, and more fun.
Lisa had been anything but happy for months. Adam knew she was uptight, but avoided bringing it up until she revolted over a TV set going into the garage. To recover some happiness, they had to take small steps. They agreed he would keep both kids at home on Saturday mornings and engage them in activities where he could keep an eye on them. Lisa saved almost two hours by shopping alone and she was a lot happier when she came home. Adam felt that having his wife cheerful again on Saturday mornings was worth the new arrangement. In exchange for Adam being fair, Lisa told him to keep his TV and to finish setting up his man cave.
Cooperation
Many parents feel stuck in a rut and somewhat hopeless about getting their families back on track. Some
