studied families in their homes, he developed what has become known as “coercion theory.” Coercion starts out as a vital, natural survival instinct that can be found in infants as well as baby birds. Before children develop language, they communicate their needs to be fed, held, or have their diapers changed by crying. Unattended infants can fly into little fits of apparent rage. It's their only way of telling you that they need something, and they need it now. As they begin to develop language, we have to teach children to ask for what they need. If we don't, that coercive behavior can allow toddlers to control their parents. To see unadulterated coercion in action, watch a three-year-old throw a temper tantrum in a grocery store. See how the parent and child react to each other. Observe the escalation in the intensity of emotions during the exchange. This is a battle of wills between a little kid and a grown-up. Watch how it ends, who wins, and why.
Coercion lies at the root of most of the battles we see between siblings and between parents and children. You can think of coercion as a dark side of human nature inside all of us. Understanding what coercion is and how it interferes with loving relationships can enable you to recognize it when it arises and do something about it. Because coercion is the cause of so much of the trouble between parents and young children, reducing it is a core component of our parenting techniques. When parents learn to reduce coercive actions in their children—and in themselves—cooperative behaviors have a better chance to grow and thrive. When we first become parents, many of us start out with vague dreams for ourselves, our individual children, and our families as a whole. You have probably had some kind of vision of the family you wanted ever since you were a child—though it is rare for anyone to sit down with us when we are young (and most receptive) and explain how to raise a happy family, let alone model how it is done. Your vision, however amorphous it may be, was likely influenced by the strengths and values that determined how you were raised—for better or worse.
Sit back and imagine the family you want. What you imagine is probably different from your partner's ideal family. If one of you had a great childhood, you will surely follow in the footsteps of those amazing parents. If your childhood was rocky, you may be thinking of different ways to raise your children. Unfortunately, many of us are so busy that we don't spend much time planning our parenting strategies. We live in a different world from the one in which we grew up. Raising children is more expensive than ever, employers demand more work, our relationships become loaded with stress, and we sacrifice our dreams to focus on the problems at hand. Now is the time to rekindle your dreams and get ready to create the changes you want for your family. Changing bad habits and teaching new skills require that you think carefully about your goals. We urge you to think big and reach high to create the family you have always wanted.
Dreams can lie dormant and may even die unless you awaken them and imagine ways to make them come true. Once you conceive your dreams, how do you give birth to them? It's easy to say: “I want my children to get along with others or do well in school.” It is quite another thing to say: “Here's how I will make it happen.” You start by setting goals. Begin with something feasible, and then break down the goal into steps using the Goldilocks rule—not too big, not too small, but just right. When you accomplish one goal, set a new one.
For instance, imagine teaching your children to get ready for bed on their own. Our approach is to first show them each tiny step; then we patiently teach them to put the steps together—take a bath, dress for bed, and brush their teeth. Gradually, your children learn to do it all themselves, and you can move on to another set of skills. Setting goals and planning the steps required to reach them is a kind of telescoping process—you look ahead to the future, you zoom back to the present, and you figure out how to get from here to that distant place. With practice, your skill at making long- and short-term goal statements will grow, and you will become a master of making dreams come true.
Setting Goals
The first tool for turning your family dreams into actions is a goal statement, one of the most basic instruments in your family-management toolkit. Goals are less abstract and more realistic than dreams. They enable you to design action plans to accomplish your family objectives.
Goal statements that work have certain universal qualities: they are realistic, yet they reach beyond wherever you are at the moment; they are future-oriented; they state what you want (not what you don't want); and they are framed positively. After working with parents and studying families for years, we can say with confidence that achieving a goal is easier if you first identify what you want. Once you define a goal, you open new pathways for you and your children to follow. Your journey will be most satisfying when you base your course on your family's individual values and resources. You are in charge of your family—no one else. Your dreams are whatever you want them to be. Here are the basic elements of a goal statement that will set you on the path to achieving your dreams.
Strategies for Successful Goal Statements
Be specific.
Frame your goal positively.
State what you want.
Be future-oriented.
Choose a goal that can be broken into small steps.
State the goal so a stranger can understand it.
Think of two families who are about to travel across the country from coast to coast. Both families live in the same town on the East Coast and are traveling to the same area on the West Coast. Since each journey begins and ends at the same place, you could say that they have the same goal—to travel from point A to point B. But for each family, the goals of the trip depend on a number of factors—available time and resources, personal interests, and family strengths. Considering these factors, each family checks various routes and makes a plan.
The Hancock family has two weeks to make a round trip across country to attend a family reunion celebrating the grandparents' fiftieth anniversary. As much as they wish to fly to save time—like some of their in-laws—they can't afford airline tickets for the two adults, three children, and beagle that make up their family. However, they have a perfectly fine minivan that can deliver them safely to their destination and back. If they stick to the interstates and mom and dad take turns driving on the way out, they can take it easy coming home and do a little sight-seeing.
The Rodriguez family has a full month to spend with an RV fitted for camping. Their final destination is the husband's parents' house on the West Coast. The purpose of their trip is vacation. Time is not a factor. Their goal is to see the country and visit points of interest to them along the way, like the world's largest ball of string and Yellowstone's geysers.
These two families design entirely different trips, even though their start and end points are the same. The Hancocks' route is straightforward, emphasizing speed and efficiency. The Rodriguez family plots a winding course following blue-line roads that avoid busy interstates and take them to beautiful lakes, national parks, and points of historical interest. As you can see, goals incorporate something more than simple outcomes. Individual family values and practical conditions are critical factors that capture the components of dreams. As each family designs its travel plan, they begin by defining a destination.
Long-Term and Short-Term Goals
Long-term goals can feel like impossible dreams, especially if you have to travel far to reach them. Yet, goals serve as magnets that draw you forward. Since every journey begins with a single step, make the first steps in your goal statement easy to achieve, and then enjoy a bit of success. One of your goals is probably to raise happy, well-adjusted, and cooperative children—after all, you're reading this book. But that may seem like a tall order.
When
