formulating your goal statements, begin by making two lists—one for your long-term dreams for your children and one for more immediate goals, things that can happen today or this week. For the long-term goals, think big. Be ambitious. Most parents say they want their children to be happy, healthy, resilient, self-disciplined, skillful, independent, and cooperative. This list describes general qualities that reflect your values, which are like points on a compass that draw you in certain directions. Next make a list of the small steps needed to achieve your long-term goals. As parents, we can influence long-term outcomes for our families, but to do that, we have to take little actions day by day. Life is a process of ongoing change that you control when you convert goals into tiny steps.
Parents' lists of short-term goals tend to include daily behaviors like doing chores independently, following rules, being respectful, and cooperating with directions. These short-term lists involve behaviors that form habits. When habits are appropriate, they lead to well-being. Moreover, your children's well-being depends a lot on your own habits. We all have good habits and bad habits. Once we have families, we need to think about how our habits influence our children's behavior.
Now, make another list that focuses on your strengths as a person and as a parent. Then make one of your children's strengths, taking into account their unique qualities. Many parents find making a list of their own strengths challenging. If you have trouble with this, think about times when you felt good about something you accomplished, or something your children did that made you feel proud, and take ownership of your contribution.
When the challenges of raising a family seem overwhelming—and maybe not even worth the extraordinary effort—pull out your list of personal strengths and review it. Some of the strengths parents have identified for themselves include patience, warmth, honesty, perseverence, commitment, and fairness. When you are disappointed in the mistakes and choices your children make, take a look at the list you made of their strengths. Parents have identified some of these qualities as honesty, kindness, devotion, humor, adventurousness, and persistence. Once you make your lists, keep them in a safe place and add to them whenever you feel good or something special happens.
When we think about change, we often focus on what is wrong—what needs fixing. This is easier than noticing what you and children do right. Some of the most common complaints we hear from parents about their children's behavior include stubbornness, unwillingness to accept “no” for an answer, whining, arguing, temper tantrums, noncompliance, bedtime problems, bad attitude, procrastination, disrespect, carelessness, thoughtlessness, self-centeredness, and fear of trying new things. Review the elements of a successful goal statement as you turn these problem behaviors into active goal statements. Remember that a goal statement says what you want so clearly that a stranger will understand what you mean: it is future-oriented and positively framed, and it can be broken down into small steps. Goal statements have the same basic ingredients whether you want to raise cooperative children, read a novel by Isabel Allende in Spanish, lose weight, or catch a trout.
Let's apply these ingredients to several common behavioral problems.
Notice how often the positive opposite for a problem behavior is compliance or cooperation. For most parents, complaints boil down to the fact that their kids just don't follow directions—at least not without an argument. Some parents say their children use a disrespectful tone of voice when talking to them, or roll their eyes, or. . . you name it. These are not cooperative behaviors.
The building blocks for attaining goals like resilience, independence, self-discipline, and happiness all tend to be based on cooperation. Cooperation involves working together with a spirit of collaboration or teamwork. Cooperative people are pleasant to be around. They are helpful and kind. Parents everywhere say they want their children to follow directions pleasantly, play by the rules, and get along with others, especially family members. When family members cooperate with each other, they enjoy each other's company. The question is how do you bring this about?
Modeling and Shaping Behavior
Let's take an item on one parent's wish list. A mother wants her three-year-old to stop grabbing for things and instead politely ask to share. She starts by showing her how to do it using several small steps.
Mom (cuddling a teddy bear): Let's pretend we're playing and you want me to share Teddy with you. Remember how to ask to share, sweetheart?
Jill: Gimme Teddy?
Mom: That's right. You ask. And do you remember the magic word?
Jill: Please gimme Teddy?
Mom (giving her the teddy): Much better. Now I'm going to ask you to share. Jill, may I have Teddy back now please?
Jill: But I just got her.
Mom (smiling reassuringly): We're just practicing, honey. May I have Teddy now, please? (pleasantly waiting)
Jill: Okay. Can I have her back?
Mom: Sure. Remember how to ask?
Jill: Can I have Teddy back . . . please?
Mom (clapping): You've got it!
This is an example of modeling and shaping sharing behavior, almost as you would shape a block of clay. Mom started with the raw material and, through a series of small steps, she showed Jill how to behave. She did not require perfection. Although Jill's “Please gimme Teddy” wasn't the height of politeness, it was better than her first demand. Rather than correcting her, Mom praised her for adding the “please” and then modeled a slightly improved version. When Jill complained, Mom simply reminded her they were practicing and restated her request to share. Practice and patience allow you to teach your children the many things they have to learn on the road to growing up. Very few three-year-olds will suddenly begin sharing without guidance, thanks to the more hard-wired coercive nature we discussed earlier.
Take a look at your list of short-term goals and pick one that you would like to start working on in the coming weeks. Be hopeful, yet realistic. For openers, start with a goal that will build on strengths your children already possess. So, if you want one of your children to become more responsible, consider ways in which that child already demonstrates responsibility—perhaps remembering to feed and water the dog regularly. Can you think of things that prompt that behavior consistently? Does the dog give cues? Is there a routine around caring for the dog before breakfast and dinner? Now think of something you'd like done better—something the child already does sometimes, but not reliably. Is there a way to incorporate cues that can help? Or can you help by building in a routine? This is one way you can use your children's existing strengths to add new responsibilities to their repertoire.
Goal statements should be simultaneously ambitious and realistic. They should reach slightly beyond wherever your child is right now. When you teach responsibility, you have to break that goal into steps. Teach your child to be successful in one arena and then generalize it to another—and another—and another. One step at a time; one goal at a time. As your simple goals are accomplished, you can design goal statements for steps further along in the process of achieving your long-term goal. Eventually, responsibility will become second nature and help guide most of your children's behaviors.
The problem
