into full-scale fits. Recently, she started screaming in the checkout line after her father said “no” to her demand for a candy bar. Surprised and embarrassed, Rick quickly caved in to stop the pain. Isabelle's precocious behavior did not seem as cute anymore. Her parents realized that they needed to start teaching Isabelle to accept “no” and follow directions. The Terrible Twos (and Threes!) were upon them.
Kayla reached her limit one day while making lunch for Isabelle. She called out from the kitchen: “Izzy! It's time for lunch!”
Isabelle heard her mom from the living room where she was sitting on the couch with an iPad in her lap playing her favorite game. She pretended not to hear as she bounced a figure from one red flower to the next.
Kayla finished slicing an apple and arranged the pieces into a smiley face on Isabelle's plate: “Izzy, come on! It's time for lunch!”
Isabelle kept playing. Kayla slammed the plate on the kitchen table and marched into the living room feeling exasperated. Every day, it was same nonsense. Kayla stood over Isabelle and hissed: “Isabelle, I said, it's time for lunch. Get into the kitchen right now!”
“No. Why?”
“Because I said so!”
“Because is not a reason,” Isabelle said matter-of-factly.
Kayla finally lost it and grabbed the iPad. Isabelle began crying. Fuming, Kayla pronounced: “No more iPad!”
Isabelle cried harder.
What every parent wants (some desperately) is compliance. Kayla simply wanted her daughter to come to lunch. The response she got was noncompliance. Parents' most common complaints have to do with their children's noncompliance. They describe the problem in different ways: their children don't listen; they do as they please; they act stubborn; they don't obey; or they simply say “no.” Parents tell us that their children employ a wide array of strategies to avoid compliance. Some argue; some refuse outright; some do what you ask, but with an attitude; some tell you they will do it, but later; and some ignore you. It can really get under your skin, and then you lose control. A certain amount of noncompliance, however, is normal. Remember the study of children from different cultures cited in the Introduction: well-socialized preschoolers comply about 70 percent of the time. As they mature to school age, the compliance rate improves to about 80 percent.
When children disobey and we react in anger or frustration, we set the stage for a battle of wills and that demon coercion rears its ugly head. Young children can be quick to escalate that battle with a temper tantrum. Older children may draw you into an argument or even a shouting match. However the scene plays out, the problem starts when the parent makes a reasonable request that is met with “No.” Just as cooperation is the foundation for positive social behaviors, noncompliance is the cornerstone for more serious behavior problems when it becomes a common pattern that carries over to school, friends' homes, and community settings.
Clear Directions
Parents have different ways to get their children to comply. Many involve coercion, which essentially involves the use of psychological and even physical force to accomplish a goal. “You will do what I say or else!” Stress in our personal lives and in the workplace often ignites our use of coercion. Moreover, for better or worse, we tend to follow examples set by our own parents. If coercion reigned supreme in your family as you were growing up, you may find yourself using it with your own children and also your spouse or partner.
At one end of the spectrum, we've seen parents who command their children like boot-camp sergeants. They may resort to threats or, in extreme cases, even violence. At the other end, we have watched parents, determined not to follow in their authoritarian parents' footsteps, plead with their children over something as simple as coming to dinner or shutting the door quietly. Neither approach is effective, as you may have discovered already. Commanding, debating, or pleading with children does not teach cooperation. What we have learned from watching parents and their children is that the most efficient approach is to give the child a clear, concise direction in a polite, emotionally neutral, tone. It sounds deceptively simple, doesn't it? It is not.
We have developed a set of strategies for giving clear and effective directions that encourage cooperation. Here are our basic strategies.
Basic Strategies for Giving Clear Directions
Use good timing.
Get physically close.
Make contact (eye contact and/or physical contact).
Use a pleasant tone of voice and facial expression.
Give one direction at a time.
Make a statement—don't ask.
Be specific.
Say what to do.
Use the child's name.
Say: “Name, do (behavior) now, please.” (e.g., “Isabelle, come to the table, now please”). Use few words.
Start with behaviors that take less than two minutes.
Stand and hold silently (with a neutral to positive expression).
This last point, stand and hold, requires that you remain close to your child after you deliver your direction and wait silently for their response. Parents say this is hard to do, especially maintaining a neutral facial expression while silently waiting. Try it and you will see how powerful your quiet presence can be. If you deliver your direction and walk away, you send the message that you may not expect immediate compliance.
Integrating these elements into the directions you give your children can produce amazing results—at least at first. The reward for the parent is compliance. It will come as no surprise that children who learn to follow their parents' directions at an early age also tend to be socially successful with peers, teachers, and others in the community.
We are all guilty of reacting irritably, especially when stressed. Hostility, frustration, and anger are hallmarks of coercion. When you are upset and give these feelings free rein, promoting cooperation is virtually impossible. In stressful circumstances, calm down and ask yourself a few questions: What is my goal here? What do I really want? Do I just want to show my children how angry I am? Or do I want them to follow my direction? If your goal is simply to express irritability, let it rip. And then prepare for the aftermath.
Here's an example that illustrates this point.
You come home from work tired, walk in the door, and there in the middle of the doorway lies an expensive jacket. Your immediate reaction is to lash out, and the one who happens to be there is the person who left the jacket. Do you give your beloved child a pleasant greeting? Or do you shout out: “What is that jacket doing in the middle of the floor? Do you know how much that cost? How many times do I have to tell you—hang your jacket in the closet!” Does your child—does any child—respond by quickly jumping up and hanging up the jacket, then giving you a smile and a big hug? Have you
