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Dad stands over the shoes in the middle of the floor, his arms folded across his chest, a scowl on his face. In an ironic tone, he says: “There they are. As usual.”
Ali: “What?”
Dad: “What do you think?”
Ali: “How should I know?”
Dad: “It's your shoes! Your dirty shoes!”
Ali: “Oh, yeah. That's them alright.”
Dad: “Get them out of there.”
Ali: “And where shall I put them?”
Dad: “You put them away right now or you can just imagine where I'll put them!”
• • •
Take a look at the elements of giving clear directions and help this dad out.
Questions
Phrasing directions as questions weakens their power and suggests children can choose whether or not to comply. Directions given as statements do not imply choice; they make it clear that you expect your child to do something very specific, and to do it now. Some parents explain that they are trying to soften the effect of a firm, clear directive. But you can be pleasant and respectful without framing your direction as a question. Furthermore, questions sometimes invite irritating responses. Notice how ineffective it is when Dad asks Ali questions rather than making clear statements in these exchanges.
Dad: “How'd you like to pick up your shoes?”
Ali: “Not especially.”
Or
Dad: “Where do your shoes belong?”
Ali: “In the closet.”
Dad: “Well . . .”
Or
Dad: “How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your shoes?”
Ali: “Oh, maybe five or six.”
Or
Dad: “Can you pick up your shoes?”
Ali: “No, I can't. I'm busy right now.”
Directions are clear and simple statements, not questions.
Body Language
Your nonverbal behavior enables you to soften the fact that you are requiring your child to do something now. Tone of voice, facial expression, and body posture all come together to communicate your intention that the child follow your direction, now. See what happens when Dad speaks calmly and stands and holds.
Dad: “Ali, put your shoes in the closet now, please.”
Ali: “Aw, Dad. I'm busy.”
Dad, in the same pleasant tone, standing and holding: “Ali, put your shoes in the closet now, please.”
A Time for Everything
We've been talking about ways to encourage compliance with your directions: get close, make contact, and be pleasant. Now let's talk about when you give directions. Even though we know it's not best to give directions in the midst of a TV action sequence or while children are playing a game, we do it anyway. Of course, sometimes we have to interrupt. But it helps to promote a cooperative spirit when you take a strategic approach and wait for a time that has a better chance of catching your child's attention. Take a look at the following list and check the times you think are good for giving your child a direction. Would your child agree with you?
During an argument
When you and your child are in good mood
When your child is in a hurry
When you are in a hurry
When your child's friends are present
When your mother-in-law is visiting
In the midst of a tantrum
When things are calm
When you are motivated to follow the technique for clear directions
The goal is to engage your children in a positive way, one that increases the likelihood of their cooperation. Stop whatever you are doing and give them your full attention. Tried and true ways to get attention include combining several of the strategies for giving clear directions—opening with a positive comment, getting physically close, making physical and/or eye contact, and speaking your child's name. Starting out with a positive comment enhances the context for cooperation. Sometimes, it's enough to start with a simple: “Hey! What's happening?” It is usually worth the extra effort to listen to their answer. Saying your child's name adds to engagement. Most children respond well to touch that is gentle and nonthreatening. You can touch a shoulder, an arm, a back, or a knee. For children who don't like to be touched, simply enter their physical space, speak their name, and make eye contact. With young children, it helps to bend down and look directly at their faces at eye level.
Considering what we've just learned, let's take another look at the lunchtime scene with Kayla and Isabelle. If Kayla applies the clear directions technique, the outcome will be considerably more pleasant.
Kayla is preparing lunch and wants Isabelle to come to the kitchen. The first thing Kayla does is to walk into the living room. She squats down next to Isabelle, touches her gently on the shoulder, and with a smile says: “Izzy, it's time for lunch. Come to the kitchen now, please.”
Isabelle: “No. Why?”
Kayla doesn't react and instead patiently waits with a calm expression on her face. Isabelle looks at her, squirms and whines: “But why?”
Again, without a word, Kayla stands up, maintaining eye contact. In a gentle but firm voice she repeats: “Izzy, come to the kitchen for lunch now, please.” Kayla stands calmly, counting to ten under her breath.
Isabelle looks up at her mom. She likes
