and waits for her to get started.
In the long run, which approach takes more time? And which one will elicit that spirit of cooperation you're working to develop?
Long Distance
Long-distance directions grow out of a combination of obstacles and circumstances, like stairs, large houses, and parents who are multitasking. They have a lot in common with the Drive-By approach described above. At first glance, it seems easiest to just shout out a direction from wherever you may be. The problem is that these kinds of directions are easy for children to ignore. We also do this with our partners.
Mom calls from another room: “Cara . . .”
(No response.)
Mom calls again, louder this time: “Cara. . . Cara! Do you hear me?”
Cara irritably answers: “What?”
Mom calls: “Help your brother and come down for breakfast!”
(No response.)
Mom calls again: “Cara! Cara! Do you hear me? Cara!”
Unless your child is in the habit of cooperating under most circumstances, stop what you're doing and take the time to deliver your message in person. Personal delivery has the added advantage of enabling you to stand and hold, which adds extra strength to your direction.
Buried in Words
Too many words surrounding your directions are an invitation to distraction. Your direction loses focus; your child loses sight of what you want; and you are likely to end up in an argument about some extraneous detail. Save extra words, criticisms, and rationales for their own occasions.
Mom: “Josh, what are you doing playing games in the morning? You've been late for school three times this month and you're going to be late again. How many times do I have to tell you! You can't play games before school in the morning. You have to get ready and out the door! Do you want to be late for school again?”
What is wrong with this direction? And, what, exactly, does Mom want Josh to do, anyway? Let's rewind and try it again.
Mom walks up to Josh and stands between him and the TV screen. She touches him gently on the knee, looks him in the eye, and smiles at him: “Josh, time for school! Grab your backpack and be on your way now, please.”
She continues standing there calmly.
The Guilt Trip
Guilt trips are a tool that we all resort to from time to time. We try to combine a good direction with a morality lesson. Unfortunately, most kids seem to have the natural instincts of litigators: they ignore the direction, which is the point at hand, and find endlessly creative ways to argue the moral issue. Guilt trips seldom elicit quick compliance from anyone, especially children.
Mom: “Ryan, I just tripped over your backpack and nearly fell down! Somebody's going to break their neck falling over the stuff you leave in the middle of the floor. You never think of anyone but yourself. Don't you realize that other people live in this house? Do you even care? What if I hurt myself? Then who would take care of everything? Who would feed you? Do your laundry? Run the errands? You have to pitch in around here. The least you can do is to put your stuff away. I'm not your servant.”
• • •
Maybe Mom feels she has done her job by giving her mini-lecture. Maybe she even thinks her son is absorbing the lesson, thinking his mom is right and he should do better. What do you think? Will Ryan jump up and pleasantly put his backpack away? Let's rewind that scene and use the clear directions technique.
Mom trips on Ryan's backpack. She calms herself with some deep breaths and asks herself what her immediate goal is—what does she want Ryan to do right now? She reminds herself to start out by saying something nice, then walks over to Ryan and smiles: “Hey, Ryan! You're home right on time today! Good work!”
Ryan: “I'm trying.”
Mom: “I noticed that, and I appreciate it.” She takes another deep breath and remembers her simple formula: Name, do X now, please. “Ryan, put your backpack in your room now, please.” Then she calmly stands and silently holds.
Ryan: “I'll do it in a minute, Mom.”
Mom silently waits ten seconds, then says: “Ryan, put your backpack in your room now, please.” She continues standing, with same positive expression.
Ryan: “But Mooooommmmmmmmmmmmmm . . . Why are you standing there?”
Mom silently continues standing with a pleasant, but firm, expression.
Ryan sighs and gets up: “Oh, okay.” He takes the backpack to his room.
Mom: “Thanks honey. You're a good guy.”
• • •
The stand-and-hold element in giving clear directions can be difficult, but as we mentioned above, it has an astonishing effect. Notice that Ryan asked why his mom was continuing to stand there. Think of that as a rhetorical question—no answer is required. For most parents, this step takes the most practice. Many children grow uncomfortable when their parents stand in their space quietly waiting for them to comply. When they ask why you're standing there, the best response is no response. Simply continue to stand, silently counting out the ten seconds of your hold. When you reach ten, repeat the direction calmly and pleasantly. Whatever you do, don't be drawn into a discussion, argument, or explanation. Hold your silent ground. Whether or not you maintain eye contact depends on you and your child and the situation. Sometimes eye contact is the right thing to do. At other times it may be the worst thing to do. If stand and hold is challenging for you, practice with your partner or a friend.
Sarcasm
When you're irritated, it's extremely difficult to give a clear direction. And when you add sarcasm to the mix, you can safely expect
