she needs to continue on the path of self-respect and healthy boundaries going forward.
If reading all of this has made you question whether you yourself engage in toxic behavior, take heart. It means you have the self-awareness to recognize it. You have the opportunity to be very conscious and change the way you relate to others moving forward. Find a therapist who can help you evaluate where you are versus where you want to be.
To Don’t:
•Don’t use logic in an attempt to overcome the manipulation tactics of a toxic person. Logic and emotion are apples and oranges that can’t be used to combat one another.
•Don’t give in for the sake of short-term peace. It’s not worth it, and you are playing into the hands of the toxic person each time you decide it’s easier to go along.
•Don’t decide that it’s harmless to continue participating in the cycle of toxicity because you’re aware of what’s happening. It’s not harmless. Your awareness is complicity in your own emotional injury.
Do Instead:
•Establish boundaries. Resist the urge to use logic when you get pushback.
•Speak up. Even if you aren’t sure how to resolve the situation, silence is not the answer.
•Know that you have the power to break this cycle once and for all.
Summing Up
The presence of toxicity has the power to establish an undermining pattern that pervades every aspect of your life. It must be dealt with head-on, with an empowered approach in which your own best interests or the interests of a group lead the way. You can clean up every other aspect of your mindset and operating framework but not get the true benefits of those efforts until you are willing to stop tolerating behavior that hurts you or your team, assertively establish your expectations, and stick to the commitment that serves your highest good in staying strong when your expectations aren’t met. If you are an enabler, it’s time to take stock and admit your part in the dysfunction you have allowed. Acknowledge that your participation has effects beyond you, and, if needed, get outside help in sorting out how you got here so that you can move forward.
Key takeaways:
•Toxic behavior can be obvious or subtle. Remember to watch for manipulation tactics that leverage FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to bend you to the will of the manipulator.
•Common toxic behaviors include non-apologies, refusal to accept responsibility, victim mindset, projection, lack of empathy, and passive aggression.
•A lack of boundaries is at the heart of what enables toxic behavior. The one who manipulates doesn’t have limits in the area that they are intruding on. It is up to you to decide what you will no longer tolerate, set the rules, make the consequences clear, and then stay consistent and true to the limits you have set.
•Logic is a tool for people who behave rationally. Manipulation is an emotional technique—you cannot use logic to talk the manipulator out of their bad behavior. Setting and sticking to boundaries without rationalizing is the key to managing such relationships.
•It takes two to participate in a toxic interaction. The toxic person has found an enabler in you. Stop enabling, remove yourself from participation, and free yourself of the invasive effect that ongoing interaction is having on every aspect of your life.
•Toxicity you tolerate shows up personally and professionally. You have to clean it all up to move forward, fully empowered to transform your life.
Take a deep breath. No matter how tough a toxic situation you’re in, there is a way out. If you have more than one toxic situation in your life that needs to be addressed, begin with the one that is the least overwhelming to you. Perhaps the behavior in question is less egregious, or the relationship itself isn’t as significant to you, so if the interaction gets rocky, it’s less threatening to your peace of mind. This is a baby-steps approach that allows you to get in some practice asserting your boundaries and expectations, which will build your confidence, making it easier for you to approach the other, more significant relationships or behaviors that remain.
The following will help provide clarity on how to begin this process.
1.Make a list of your toxic relationships. Rank them in order of which are the most unsettling and painful for you.
2.For each of these people, think about the last interaction or two you’ve had. Identify the tactics they use to manipulate you. Don’t worry about making an all-inclusive list. The point of this exercise is to raise your awareness of any subtleties you may not have been picking up on before.
3.Pick the relationship you are most comfortable starting with and come up with the boundaries you want to put in place. I encourage you to play out the interaction in your mind, thinking through their most likely responses and what you would say in return. Practicing your responses will minimize your anxiety when it comes time to have the interaction, making it less likely you’ll be taken off-guard, unsure what to say in response to an objection.
4.Give yourself a deadline for having the conversation. If it’s someone you see frequently, pick a date two to four weeks out and make it a priority to establish your boundaries with this person. Having a timeline will give you time to think, practice, and prepare while creating a sense of urgency around having to be prepared.
5.Once you’ve addressed the first relationship, repeat the process for the others on your list. Enlist the help of those close to you by confiding in them about the true nature of your relationship. Chances are, you’re telling them something they’ve already picked up on. They will want to support you in taking this critical step. With a particularly angry or volatile toxic personality, be cautious. Talk to your doctor or a therapist about your plan for moving forward and take their professional advice. Remember, you are not stuck. You do have options, and you can move forward from here. It may take a little more time and planning, but it’s worth it. You’re worth it.
6.Employ early identification with future relationships. When you see the warning signs of toxicity, do not engage! Your well-being comes first.
The programming that drives you, from your earliest experiences to the relationship dynamics that you’ve grown accustomed to, contributes to who you are and how you show up in the world. All patterns, whether positive or negative, have one thing in common—they lull you into autopilot mode. They are such a part of your daily life that you can pass through them unconsciously, not registering the mental and emotional impact a pattern is having on your life. Consider how you get to work each day. When you first started your job, you paid attention, as the drive was not quite second nature yet. You may have experimented with a couple of different routes to see which was better from a traffic and convenience perspective, then you likely never looked back. The best way was settled upon, and, from that point on, you’ve gotten to work the same way each day for days, weeks, and then years, the daily commute on repeat in a way that barely requires you to be conscious.
Your commute to work is a benign example, but what about the patterns that have real impact? If you don’t become conscious of their presence and begin to examine where your default mode of operation is cruising along, you remain unaware of the ways in which how you operate isn’t serving you and, in some cases, is actively
