and review them later when you have time to sit down and listen. Even if you’ve never journaled before in your life, now is the time to begin. Writing or otherwise communicating what’s happening in the analytical part of your brain helps get the other side of your brain engaged in processing, which will lead to breakthroughs for you as you continue through the process.
Now that we’ve established how good high achievers are at meeting the expectations of the world around them, it’s time to talk about the most damaging set of expectations you will ever be subjected to—those imposed upon you by participating in toxic relationships. You may be wondering why we need to talk about your relationships in the context of transforming your success mindset. It’s simple, really; try as you might, it’s impossible to compartmentalize your work life and your personal life. When something is amiss in one aspect of your life, it shows up in the other, whether you recognize it or not. As a high achiever, you’re accustomed to endurance, bearing pain and discomfort even when it doesn’t serve you. Interpersonal programming is just as critical to growth in all aspects of your life as all the external sources of programming we just covered. It’s easy to dismiss what’s happening in our relationships with others in our lives when we are focused on a single area like work. However, when toxicity is present, it is pervasive, infecting every aspect of how we think and operate. Toxicity can be obvious, but it can also fly under the radar, impacting you in a vague and disquieting way that you have a hard time articulating. You may be tempted to dismiss it because it’s hard to justify how you feel to others, or you may have a sense of shame for being in a toxic situation that you feel powerless to change. Whether you can put it into words or not, it’s having a profoundly negative impact on your life that must be addressed ASAP.
The interactions and experiences we have with those who have little to no regard for the people around them can cause us tremendous pain that inflicts long-lasting damage. It’s like a poison that you continue to breathe in as long as you tolerate interactions with people who do this to you. We may convince ourselves there is no other choice. What if the person poisoning your atmosphere is your boss, spouse, parent, friend, or child? The proximity of the relationship can lead to a sense of defeat before you’ve begun. How is it possible to change the dynamic that you’ve participated in so fully when you know the reaction of the person in question is what you want to avoid at all costs?
Not only is it possible, it’s absolutely necessary. No matter how much you accomplish in every single aspect of personal development, if you do not clean up the toxic leaks in your life, you will not make it as far as you want to go. Toxicity is the ultimate mind poison. It ruins your peace of mind, puts you on edge, makes you feel cornered, and steals any chance you have at joy. Worst of all, you participate in your own destruction when you allow it to go on unchecked.
If you are thinking, “I don’t have any toxic relationships in my life—I can skip this chapter!” you either a) are the luckiest son-of-a-gun ever or b) haven’t registered subtle behaviors as toxic. The easiest way to identify subtle toxicity is by considering your own emotional state. Look at the following list and determine whether you feel any of these in your current relationships: drained, depleted, cautious, avoidant, on edge, nervous, anxious, guilty, tense, etc. Interactions that arouse these feelings are highly likely to have a toxic component that you haven’t yet recognized. Pay special attention to your family relationships! Do not assume that everyone’s mother makes them feel the way yours does. When you grow up in dysfunction, it’s such an inherent part of your life that it normalizes your experiences and makes it harder to see that which signals a problem. Do not confuse toxicity with intention to harm. Toxicity is a mode of operation, a second-nature way of interacting with others that is not necessarily completely conscious. It’s ingrained. It’s how toxic people relate. If your recognition of toxicity is limited to the narcissistic/sociopathic end of the spectrum, it’s time to expand your understanding so you can identify red-flag behaviors when they present themselves. Keep in mind that toxic behavior does not come in a physically obvious package. Toxic people don’t necessarily look or behave like monsters. They can be charming, sociable, respected, and so on. Toxicity that comes in a pretty package can be very confusing to those they interact with. Their presentation makes it harder to justify the perception of toxicity, even to yourself. Do not dismiss toxicity because of the proximity of the relationship or how someone is generally perceived. At all times, you must honor how you feel in interaction with these people above logic and appearances. Your feelings are valid. Trust yourself.
In our world today, there is a lot of overtly toxic behavior that is easy to identify, steer clear of, or speak up against. However, not all toxicity is obvious; subtly poisonous behavior can be far more dangerous. It’s harder to identify, can make you question your sanity or perception of reality, and can cause you to discount your intuition when it tells you that something is wrong because it’s hard to “prove” it.
Signs and Symptoms of Toxic Behavior
Keep front and center this fundamental truth about toxicity:
The toxic person is a manipulator.
Remember at all times that the point of toxic interactions is to manipulate you. The manipulator feels entitled to whatever it is you have that they need, whether that is your patience, compassion, time, connections, etc. They take without giving. In the context of mutual respect, reciprocity is a healthy component of connecting with others. You give generously to those you respect, freely and without expectation of receiving something in return. Even though you don’t expect it, those you give to return your generosity in other ways over the course of time. There is an ocean of difference between normal, healthy interactions and those where the manipulator seeks to take, take, take and feels entitled to take even more if you’ll allow them to. Toxic people are energy vampires who suck up your life force and leave you feeling depleted rather than energized. They may create a sense of urgency, display exaggerated reactions to any kind of questioning or confrontation, and generally expect that you fall in line with whatever it is they demand of you. You find yourself doing the dance and giving in time and time again to avoid the consequences of not meeting their demands. And that, my friend, is how they train you to stay in the cycle of dysfunction.
At the heart of all toxic relationships is a lack of boundaries. Those who want to manipulate you don’t see you as a wholly separate entity with free will. They see you as someone who exists to meet their needs, and if manipulation is required to make that happen, they roll up their sleeves and get to work. The challenge is that those who employ manipulation against you are often those who are closest to you. Not only may they be your family members, but also friends, coworkers, and/or even your partner. It can be challenging to navigate such interactions when you know any discussion of how their behavior makes you feel could end in a ridiculous display of emotion that you’d rather not deal with. It could be that you’ve tried to talk to this person before and it had no impact at all. You may turn to using logic on yourself in an attempt to overcome your unsettling feelings, which, in case you haven’t noticed, doesn’t work. It’s like using a gun to kill smoke. Knowing the signs and symptoms of toxic behavior will help you identify whether you’re involved in a toxic relationship, personally or professionally. Once you are aware of the issues, you will be armed with the knowledge required to change or leave the dynamics you are engaged in.
Manipulation Tactics
When I speak on the topic of toxicity, it frequently elicits discomfort from the audience. No one wants to believe the worst about their loved ones and friends. It’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that someone close to you may be manipulating you. To further complicate matters, the manipulator may come across as a perfectly lovely person to others, creating confusion that makes it more difficult for you to accept or explain your discomfort. Subtly manipulative behavior can be
