challenge in your life and they don’t remember. Your world is of limited to no significance.
•Passive aggression. Beware the quiet ones. Just because someone is soft-spoken doesn’t mean they can’t be toxic. The passive-aggressive types get away with more toxic behavior because they’re not as loud, but do not mistake quiet for non-toxic. These are the people who may be nice to you in person while talking about you behind your back, make underhanded cutting remarks and then feign innocence when called out, employ a lot of facial expressions to disrupt but won’t use their words, etc. Passive aggression is particularly difficult to verbalize because, by design, it’s not as obvious and therefore it’s easier to deny the motive behind the behavior.
If you are dealing with a particularly malignant toxicity that seems to check every box we’ve discussed so far, you may be dealing with someone who has a personality disorder. The information shared here is not meant to be diagnostic; if you suspect an underlying disorder, contact a therapist or do some research, being careful to stick with reputable sources of information. Cluster B personality disorders as described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional, or unpredictable thinking and behavior. The personality disorders included in Cluster B are antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic, and many of these personality types include the kinds of behaviors summarized here. If you are in fact dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, there are specific recommendations for how to engage with them and protect yourself that a therapist or professional can help you with.
Workplace Toxicity
In my corporate life, there were epic levels of toxicity all around me. Consistently floored by the ridiculous behavior, I couldn’t understand why such noxious behavior was tolerated. Toxic behaviors were perpetrated by those who were “nice” and could be charming, while others didn’t bother to mask their dysfunction. Either way, they employed the tactics that worked for them specifically, with no incentive to change because they were getting away with the bad behavior. Here are some archetypes to illustrate the kinds of coworker or leader to be on alert for:
•The martyr is nice and accommodating on the surface but highly passive-aggressive. He may not vocalize his thoughts and opinions, but will make faces in meetings, try to recruit the support of others to his “side” when in disagreement with someone, behave as if he respects you but then bad-mouth you to anyone who will listen. When confronted about his behavior, he may act shocked, cry, deny, and shift blame to others for their actions. The martyr lowers team morale by expecting others to operate at his level or accommodate his weaknesses with no consideration for how it impacts others to do so.
•The egomaniac is self-centered, with an enormous sense of entitlement. She may feel like some “star” quality she possesses makes her indispensable, and as such expects any bad behavior on her part to be overlooked in favor of keeping her happy and productive. This type may not bother to be pleasing; she expects others to please her. She demands accolades and special treatment and is quick to point fingers at others when called out about her behavior.
•The tyrant is the egomaniac hopped up on the power of authority. Bad behavior, including overly dramatic reactions, outbursts, insults, inappropriate relationships, etc., are all potentially part of the package that this type delivers. The same sense of entitlement that drives the egomaniac is made worse by the tyrant’s ability to use it against those he sees as tools to be used for his own benefit, regardless of the impact on those he uses them against. The dynamics at play with the tyrant can be tricky; he was promoted despite these characteristics, which validates the bad behavior. In very unhealthy corporate cultures, he may have been promoted because of his character.
If you have been tolerating any of the behaviors discussed to this point, it’s time to act. Not later. Now. Engaging in this dangerous pattern permeates every area of your life and undermines you in more ways than you can appreciate. It makes you an enabler, and what you enable you continue to attract. As an enabler, you are choosing to allow this kind of behavior. Perpetrators are highly adept at identifying targets, and they are looking specifically for people who will enable their behavior. Once you’ve demonstrated you’ll tolerate this kind of shit, people who want to dish it out will find you to take it.
Workplace toxicity is tricky to navigate. You may feel you have limited ability to do anything about toxic behavior, depending on whether it’s showing up in a coworker, direct report, or leader. The answer is not to do nothing. Talk to a trusted coworker or manager about how to approach the issue. If that’s not helpful, speak to your HR representative and see if they have advice about how to handle a given situation, and begin creating a record of the behavior you observe. If you are a leader, you have an obligation to address this behavior. Don’t overlook or justify it because you aren’t sure what to say. Work with HR to figure out what your options are, and do what needs to be done. Enabling bad behavior in the workplace has an exponential impact that ripples throughout teams and impacts clients. Set a time to talk and have a trusted third party present, like HR, to listen or participate in the discussion. Make your expectations known and establish how you’ll check in to gauge improvements in behavior. Unfortunately, it’s doubtful that there are policies in place designed to address toxic behavior in the workplace. You may find that your leaders or HR department aren’t particularly helpful, but you won’t know until you try. If you don’t get an adequate response, encourage others you trust, who also recognize the toxic behavior in question, to have their own conversations with leadership and HR. Continued feedback may be what tips the balance toward addressing the issue. If the behavior is allowed to go on unchecked, then it’s time for you to consider whether you need to make a move to another department or workplace. You do have a choice in whether or not you tolerate toxic behavior.
I once assumed responsibility for a team with a couple of people who fit the martyr and egomaniac archetypes. Their behavior had gone largely unchecked for years, lowering the morale of those who had to work closely with them. The floodgates of information opened wide when I first took over the team. Those who had ongoing dealings with them had renewed hope that perhaps a new manager would take action where others hadn’t. The more I learned about their behavior through my own experiences with each of them, the clearer it became just how much of an impact they had on the rest of the team. I went to my manager and HR to discuss my concerns. They were onboard with my proceeding to address the situation, so I spoke to each person directly about my expectations and began documenting our interactions. As expectations continued to go unmet, warnings were written and consequences made clear. The martyr cried and the egomaniac dismissed me as a clueless bitch who clearly didn’t understand just how amazing they were. Even after extensive documentation that included the feedback of other team members, I was the one who had to eventually say, “Enough is enough. It’s time to move forward to next steps.” I told my manager I was done, she supported the decision, and I spoke with HR to get the wheels in motion. If I hadn’t proactively sought to address the situation and eventually firmly demand an end to the cycle, nothing would have changed.
The most effective way to handle any toxic relationship or situation is to establish boundaries. Remember that logic will not work. If you continue to try to talk with this person, expect it to be a complete waste of time and energy that takes you straight into the cycle of defensiveness, blame-shifting, and gaslighting, where nothing is accomplished and you make no progress. It’s best to leave logic out of it altogether. Set the boundary, share it verbally, and make clear what the consequences are for violating that boundary. They may act confused, cry, get angry, or all of the above. You cannot control the other person’s reaction, and their potential reaction should not silence you. Remain calm and respond with something that is true, but do not rationalize or justify your position.
If this sounds like a harsh approach to you, do some self-examination. Why does it feel harsh when the other person is being so clearly disrespectful of you or others, continuing to push against boundaries in an attempt to get you to back down? Setting boundaries is not a pleasant experience in the moment, because you are violating the silent
