It’s uncomfortable for you because you might feel mean for doing so, and the other person’s reaction is going to feed right into the fear that you are, indeed, being a meanie. Accept the discomfort as a necessary part of what must be done and do it.
Toxic people are capable of responding to boundary-setting. In order to give boundaries a real shot, you have to be incredibly vigilant about sticking to the limits you set. Be ready to enforce the consequences of a boundary violation every single time one occurs, so you can gauge whether there is any hope of a tenable long-term impact. In the professional setting, document your expectations and progress toward meeting them. In your personal life, use your best judgment to set limits, and stop wasting your effort if your boundaries aren’t observed. If boundaries are observed, you may be able to maintain a relationship with this person on your own terms. The extent to which you put in effort is up to you. The manipulator may honor your boundaries for a while, then test you to see if you will let them cross the line after a period of compliance. Do not give an inch! Any flexibility on your part will be interpreted as an invitation to further push your boundaries, and you’ll have to start all over again. If they continue to be noncompliant, you can begin thinking about whether you want to take a longer break and eventually cut contact with this person. Professionally, it’s important to have an established course of action for noncompliance and stick with it. In some cases, the manipulator might decide your boundaries are a deal-breaker and move on. If so, good. They’ve shown you it’s not worth the effort to maintain a personal or professional association on someone else’s terms.
For very close relationships that you wish to maintain with strict boundaries in place, the biggest favor you can do for yourself is to drop your expectations that this person will behave any differently in the future. They have shown you over and over again exactly who they are. Your choice to remain connected with boundaries that prioritize your needs is valid, but do it in a way that doesn’t set you up for disappointment. Do it with compassion for yourself and the other, but with clarity that they are who they are.
I’ve used the term dangerous to describe the tolerance of toxicity in any aspect of your life, and if you continue to doubt its impact, I want to dispel that now, once and for all. Manipulators leverage the arousal of guilt and shame as a way of controlling you. Guilt and shame. Two of the most harmful emotions any of us can harbor about ourselves. They use them, deliberately, as a means to create their desired outcome. What’s going on with you is the least of their concerns. When you resist, their reactions tend to be overblown in order to keep you in line, even if keeping you in line comes at the expense of your own emotional comfort. In particularly toxic relationships, where there is true malignant intent that invades multiple aspects of the relationship, the person on the receiving end of the toxicity can feel desperate to escape. If you’ve experienced a toxic relationship, you may have had thoughts about how life would be easier if the other person died or disappeared, triggering the guilt and shame spiral all over again. What’s wrong with you that such an extreme outcome would be a relief from this endless cycle?
There is nothing wrong with you.
The fact that you feel this way is your red flag, on fire and waving in hurricane-force winds, warning you that this interaction is so poisonous you feel the only way out is for the other person to cease to exist. These emotions reveal just how terrible an impact this relationship is having on you, and how disempowered you are in this dynamic. Sometimes, the option of cutting contact with the person in question must be considered, which can trigger fear, guilt, shame, etc., about your own heartlessness. It may come to that, but there is no need to make such a heavy decision right out of the gate.
There is a caveat to all of the above. If you are in a toxic relationship with someone you are truly afraid of, do not do any of this alone. Engagement in a highly toxic relationship can create a deep sense of shame; if you haven’t shared any of what you’ve been experiencing, it’s time to confide in someone you trust. Find a therapist to work with, and if the thought of trying to establish a relationship with a new care provider is too daunting at the moment, make an appointment to see your regular doctor and let them help you. If you are in a domestic abuse situation, please seek help from The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) or a local support group.
As daunting as the prospect may be, establishing boundaries will be an indescribable relief to you. Once you have stopped participating in the cycle, once you act on your own behalf in a way that reflects self-respect and an empowered approach, you will feel amazing. It will free you, mind and soul, to remove a constant infective source of guilt, shame, and self-doubt from your life.
No discussion of toxicity is complete without addressing the impact of enabling.
Enabler: a person or thing that makes something possible.
Toxicity requires the participation of the person targeted for manipulation. When you stay silent and allow the dysfunctional behavior you witness, you’re a participant. If you believe it’s okay because you’re the only victim, two things: a) this is a glaring red flag of how little you value yourself and b) enablers are victimizers through complicity. You don’t get a free pass because you aren’t the toxic one, if you stand by while the manipulator does their thing. There is always collateral damage. It impacts your loved ones and, if you have children, you are setting them up to repeat the shit show you’ve chosen to engage in by teaching them what kind of treatment they should expect and tolerate from others. Do not lie to yourself that your children aren’t aware of what’s taking place. They know. If nothing else they feel it, and, when they get old enough to have their own opinions, they will be targeted with the same behavior you’ve been enduring. It can also impact relationships with the rest of your family, as they may have to walk on eggshells around your partner. Enabling is not a strategy. It’s complicity.
To bring it all together, I’ll share the story of a friend and client that showcases the cycle of toxicity in all its terrible dysfunction. Maddie is a lovely woman who is married with two children. Her parents divorced when she was a child, but her mother remarried twice, both times to abusive men. Her second marriage occurred when Maddie was in her final year of high school. Her new stepfather, Tom, had been a teacher at the high school before she was a student there. He had a reputation for inappropriate and volatile behavior, which a couple of teachers shared with Maddie under condition of anonymity. Despite Maddie’s pleas that her mother delay the wedding due to this disturbing information, her mother proceeded.
Maddie moved out immediately after graduation. She’d been around Tom enough to know he was an angry, opinionated, judgmental, and volatile man. She saw him only once or twice a year and remained unaware of his contempt for her until her mother moved out for a period of time after he’d beaten her. At that point, her mother shared that for the last twenty years, he’d been referring to Maddie, her daughter, as a bitch, cunt, slut, and whore after Maddie had a relationship with a much older man.
For years, Maddie had been torn about how to handle the relationship with her mother. She treasured the closeness she shared with her sister and mother, between the toxic marriages, and found it hard to process the impact that Tom and her mother’s enabling had on their relationship dynamic. Her mother expected the toxicity to unite them as fellow victims, rather than accept her role as the enabler. Her early experiences left Maddie with an inadequate sense of self-worth, which impacted her professionally. She was taught to walk on eggshells to the point that showing up confidently to her work was a challenge for her. Keeping the peace, making sure everyone else was okay and that she didn’t say or do something triggering, kept her from making moves that would enhance her success. Once she recognized her perception of the toxicity was valid, she was able to establish boundaries that have freed her from the misery of participation in the cycle. She has been clear and honest with her mother and, while her mother continues to try to get her to engage in the old cycle, Maddie won’t do it. She has held fast to her boundaries and feels as if a massive weight has been lifted from her. Her professional wins have grown exponentially because she is taking the same direct, honest approach in her business dealings that
