girl requires courage to connect with her true self. It takes fierce boldness to look inward and to really see all she is with acceptance and love—both the parts she is proud of and the parts she feels tempted to hide. It takes real fortitude and bravery to embrace her uniqueness in a culture that is begging her to conform. A girl’s strong sense of self and her rich inner life become the solid foundation on which she can navigate her journey outward in relationships with others and onward in her life and work, and cultivate a desire to shape the world in which she lives.
We can encourage this growing connection inward by guiding her to spend time figuring out who she is and trusting that everything she needs she already has deep within herself. It is through sitting in stillness that a girl’s greatest source of strength and inner power becomes heightened. We can be the support she seeks by seeing her and hearing her. We can reflect back the worth we see in her, and be the gentle reminder of how valuable she is—valuable not because of how others see her but just as she is.
1 Who I Am
“I KNOW EXACTLY who I am,” said the seven-year-old sitting across the table from me. Maya and I were working on an exercise I call “All about Me,” and she was right: her answers to my questions such as “What are your favourite things?” and “What are you really good at?” came flying out of her mouth so quickly, I had trouble keeping up with her. She was beaming brightly and loving the attention she was garnering from me. I couldn’t help but think, “This is one confident girl!”
A girl’s number one job is to get to know the girl in the mirror and who she is, really. This might be as simple as knowing her favourite breakfast cereal or choosing her own outfits for school, and as complex as her intuitive sense of how she feels each and every day and what makes her feel most happy and authentic. When girls know who they are, they are more confident and clear, which naturally extends to their making healthy choices for themselves. A girl who knows who she is will know what best meets her needs and, at the same time, she will start to learn what doesn’t. She can recognize what feels aligned with her values and what feels out of alignment or wrong. It’s when girls are around the age of nine that I’ve seen many of them slip out of alignment, lose touch with their self-knowledge, and become distracted by new pressures from peers and the world at large, or discouraged by adversity. Self-knowledge provides clarity and security for the challenges and uncertainties ahead.
We can help a girl know who she is and be who she is by encouraging her to take time each and every day to consider two questions: Who am I? and Who do I want to be? This time to be still, reflect, and connect with herself is very important; a girl cannot gain self-knowledge amid noise and chaos. A girl’s connection with herself begins with our getting to know her and then extends into our showing her how to get to know herself. We can help her connect more deeply and authentically with herself by nurturing her own vulnerability and by encouraging her to see and to live her authentic truth.
“We are all gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.” MARY DUNBAR
A growing girl may encounter “stuck points,” where she feels she isn’t growing, and she may become narrowly focused on one aspect of knowing who she is, such as her appearance. This is when we can encourage her to navigate life in an open-minded and openhearted way and remind her that knowing who she is is an ongoing process—she will always be in an eternal state of “becoming.” As poet and storyteller Sarah Kay says to her imaginary daughter, and to every girl, “You are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”1 I feel that this quotation captures the idea of ceaseless wonder and the childlike openness for “more.”
I want a girl to know that the more open she is to all ideas and all possibilities, the more fully she can come to know all the details about her authentic self. I want a girl to know that being open-hearted and vulnerable can further help her to grow into who she wants to be, and that being strong doesn’t mean never being vulnerable—in fact, the opposite is true. Being vulnerable means exploring her hopes, dreams, and aspirations; daring to be inspired; and taking risks to be whom she really wants to be.
“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful experience.” BRENÉ BROWN
Although the world is big and the future can seem scary, any time she invests in really getting to know herself is time invested in her ability to handle whatever the future brings her way. Repetition and continuous practice should be a priority for a girl who is just beginning to figure out her inner self. Knowing, then loving, herself can take time, so she needs to start now. And this is where you come in; you have the privilege of starting these amazing conversations with her about her favourite things, the ways she describes herself, and who she hopes to be.
Guiding a girl to be strong and rooted in who she is allows her to feel her burgeoning inner confidence, security, and wholeness. With a clear and solid sense of self, a girl can move through life with inner strength. A girl won’t stay seven forever, but we can continue to protect and nurture the shining seven-year-old confidence in each and every girl as she grows up.
CULTIVATING CONNECTION
Let’s talk about:
•What she likes and dislikes.
•Some of her favourite things.
•What she feels she is good at. What she is growing in.
•What she is most proud of. What she is worried about.
READ MORE
The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brené Brown
VIEW MORE
“If I Should Have a Daughter,” TED Talk by Sarah Kay
Let’s try:
•Creating an “All about Me” poster. In the middle of the poster, ask her to draw herself or print “Me.” Then ask her to print, all over the poster, words and phrases that describe herself, using markers of different colours.* Ask her to consider favourite things, hobbies, interests, likes, dislikes, qualities, dreams, and goals. If she gets stuck, help out with prompts such as How does your teacher describe you? or How do you think your friends see you? or What do you like doing on a Saturday?
•Encouraging a variety of interests and skills. Expose her to several different opportunities; part of knowing who she is includes knowing what she likes and doesn’t like. Play up personal strengths and play down competition and comparing.
•Teaching her to practise positive power statements such as I can solve this problem if I just keep trying and I know I am smart enough and strong enough to do what I want. She learns to accept herself and what happens to her when she can say, I know I didn’t have a great game, but I really appreciate how I played with determination or I love how I show bravery, even when I feel scared.
*Whenever I suggest activities that invite you to create materials together, always feel free to use a range of colours, which is beneficial because colour is processed by multiple parts of the brain. Different colours may stimulate different brain functions (creativity, focus, attention, relaxation, critical thinking, and memory) and help with pattern recognition.
