FACE IT, we live in the “land of sameness.” Girls are inadvertently taught to strive for the same look, status, possessions, name brands, and achievements as others. (These norms vary from group of girls to group of girls, but they’re always there in some form.) Why are magazines and social media sites such as Snapchat and Instagram so popular? Because being the same gives girls a sense of normalcy, and who doesn’t want to feel normal? A sense of belonging and connection is a necessary ingredient for a girl’s developing brain and sense of self. How does a young, impressionable girl honour her uniqueness and remain authentic in a society constantly pushing for conformity?
For girls to be their truest, most authentic selves, they need time to explore who they are, and time to become comfortable in their own skin. Authenticity—knowing yourself and being yourself—takes time and thoughtful reflection. Authenticity also requires the total truth: a girl needs to be able to tell herself the truth about who she is—all of who she is: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Yes, sometimes the task falls to us to dispel misconceptions she may have about herself—rip off the Band-Aid as gently as possible. I am sure you have struggled with insecurity and uncertainty about who you are (I know I have), or feeling like an imposter in your own life (especially when experiencing success); this makes you the perfect person to support her in figuring out how she can steer clear of being superficial or disingenuous.
Girls are beautiful when they exude inner confidence, security, and uniqueness, but girls’ understanding of inner beauty is often overshadowed by expectations about outer beauty. Little girls see beauty in everything—butterflies, ballerinas, bubbles, and Barbies. But at age nine or so, their understanding of beauty often narrows, becoming defined by commercial standards, causing them to fixate on their bodies and obsess over their flaws or how they want their body to change, which often results in negative feelings about themselves.
“Who you are today ... that’s who you are. So be brave. Be amazing. Be worthy.” SHONDA RHIMES
But who really should be the judge of what beautiful means? Social media and carefully crafted images used for marketing, or girls themselves? Let’s ask her to shift her focus from externally defined beauty standards to her inner true beauty. Emphasizing true beauty begins with conversations about her inner qualities of being and uniqueness.
We can guide girls to be more inclusive about all aspects of themselves. I call this the “whole girl ideology,” and it’s one that encourages girls to see beyond their bodies to also consider their emotions, thoughts, and actions; their values, beliefs, and guiding principles. We must help girls become aware of the pressure of the world around them that pushes them to look a certain way, and help them understand that they don’t have to give in to this influence. It will take time, but it’s possible for girls to explore their inner qualities and how to develop these qualities even more. We must teach girls to embrace true beauty with self-love and self-acceptance.
To further develop authenticity, it’s important to stop trying to be someone else. We can send girls the message “You do you!” Many girls fall into the trap of acting a part; they begin to act the way they think others want them to act, motivated by a desire to be accepted and fit in. One day they are the “good girl” and “teacher’s pet” in the classroom; the next, they’re the “mean girl” to other girls on the playground or the “cool girl” around older girls. None of these parts is a true representation of the real girl underneath the surface. Being a “good girl” may actually be a source of inner conflict for a girl who really yearns to be her whole and authentic self, but feels she has to maintain the illusion in order to fit in and get that connection girls long for. On the other hand, being a “mean girl” may be a role a girl chooses to play, even though it may feel out of alignment with her values, because it seems like the only way to get a reaction and attention, thereby maintaining connection. For a further exploration of the good girl and the mean girl, see Chapter 15.
“I think that happiness is what makes you pretty. Period. Happy people are beautiful.” DREW BARRYMORE
Acting takes a lot of work, and it’s confusing to the girl herself and to others who don’t know which persona they will encounter. This behaviour can cause her stress and promote feelings of disconnection with herself. Being fake is the opposite of being authentic, and it’s a real turnoff when it comes to connecting socially. It is much less taxing and much more honest and genuine for her to be herself—consistently and authentically. And when a girl has the freedom to be her true self and trust herself, anything people say about her is useless noise that will not distract her or hold her back. A strong girl, learning to be herself, knows there will always be haters and those who try to make her feel insecure—but she has the power to simply turn down the volume.
READ MORE
The Body Image Workbook for Teens, by Julia V. Taylor
CULTIVATING CONNECTION
Let’s talk about:
•Her uniqueness; what makes her different and special.
•Why it’s important to be real and authentic.
•Why some people aren’t authentic. Why they might choose to play a part.
•The harshness of comparative language, such as She is so much smarter than I am. Provide replacement language that both allows girls to be true to themselves and leaves them room to express how they’re different from one another: She is a top student in math, and I am strong in English. Or, Whether it’s science or soccer, everything she tries seems to come so easily to her, and I know I am the type of person who needs more time and practice to develop my skill set.
Let’s try:
•Looking at a magazine together to find all the ways the girls pictured in it look the same (hair, makeup, clothes, bodies, facial expressions). Then ask her to consider focusing on her uniqueness. On a piece of paper, ask her to write the phrase “I am unique because . . .” and see how many ways she can complete the sentence.
•Choosing one idea of what makes her feel truly beautiful (this might be her kindness) and asking her to list the ways she demonstrates her kindness (helping her family, thinking of her friends). Then ask her to spend the day purposely showing this quality and, at the end of the day, ask her how she feels about herself.
•Taking one day each week to have a “true beauty focus day.” This means no “outer beauty” allowed. Take a day with no screen time, magazines, or advertisements. Ask her what she notices about her mood, her attention, her body, her thoughts, and her feelings.
CONNECTION TOOL Ten Simple Conversation Starters
Sometimes conversations with girls can feel awkward, and they can definitely be tricky to start. Here are some ideas to help you get these conversations going.
1.I notice you. . .
2.I see that you are . . .
3.I appreciate when you. . .
4.I respect you for. . .
5.I hear you. . .
6.I am wondering what you think about . . .
7.I would love to hear your idea on . . .
8.I
