cannot tell a perfectionist to stop being perfect. She’ll look at you like you’re crazy. But you can encourage a perfectionist to slowly let go of big ideas of perfection and start shifting her focus away from a desired outcome and toward her real-life, real-time efforts. This means the emphasis is on working hard toward improvement and growth instead of on working hard for successful results and rewards. Self-compassion may just be the alternative for girls who are hard on themselves and self-critical, and who may disconnect when they experience a mistake or a moment of difficulty. By using self-compassion, girls can meet themselves where they are, simply noticing their efforts and accomplishments and refraining from self-criticism or focusing on what is left to do.
Chapter 6 explores mindfulness and will help you to help girls be more present and self-aware of sensory experience. Later in the book, when we look at social emotional learning (Chapter 21) and the growth mindset (Chapter 27), we’ll explore the interconnection between learning, self-belief, effort, and a positive attitude.
You can infuse a perfectionist’s journey with kindness and help her recognize her growth and progress. And you can guide a perfectionist to see perfectionism as a gift—and if she can open her special gift, she can see all the lessons in perfectionism, there to be explored and to help make her feel less stressed out and stronger.
CULTIVATING CONNECTION
Let’s talk about:
•What it means to be “perfect,” and whether she thinks perfection is a healthy goal. (Girls often associate perfection with feeling happy, being accepted, and being well liked by others.)
•The benefits of perfectionism (high standards, achieving goals, determination, hard work, effort, and achievement) and the drawbacks of perfectionism (stress, worry, anxiety, black-and-white thinking, feeling “not good enough,” and feeling that if she can’t be the best at it, she doesn’t want to try at all).
•Self-compassion and what it might mean to her: How would she feel if she was able to be there for herself, without judgment? Explain how self-compassion is a quality inside of her, to be used whenever she needs it.
READ MORE
The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brené Brown
No Body’s Perfect, by Kimberly Kirberger
Nobody’s Perfect, by Ellen Flanagan Burns
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Dr. Kristin Neff
Let’s try:
•Practising a new skill together that neither of you has tried before, and giving each other permission to have fun and not worry about how good you are at it. Think a beginner’s class in drawing, pottery, hip-hop dance, or jewellery making.
•Celebrating your own mistakes as teachable moments. Pause to notice, then explain, that you made an error and now you are ready to learn and grow. This helps her to see that you make mistakes too, and that mistakes can be positive experiences.
•Practising using the phrase “good enough” throughout the day. For example, make cookies together, and instead of trying for perfectly round cookies, focus on “good enough” shapes. Focus on enjoying the process more than on achieving the finished product.
•Preparing for self-compassion: Take a jar or box and spend some time filling it with ideas of how she can be there for herself when she needs to be. Using small pieces of coloured paper, fill the jar or box with ideas, for instance, A self-hug, A time out, and Telling myself I will be okay. Then, when she has a moment of difficulty or is using negative self-talk, remind her that she can look at these ideas and choose which one she wants to try out.
•Asking her to imagine what she would say to her friend if that friend were having a bad day. Explain to her that she can also say those things to herself when she is having a bad day. In the same ways that she might be there for her friend, she can be there for herself.
VIEW MORE
“Perfectionism,” by Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion.org/category/exercises/
Self-Care and the Whole Girl 4
YOU ARE READING this book because you care. And you demonstrate your care in many ways, from providing for your daughter’s basic needs for food and clothing to delivering comfort and emotional safety. As girls grow up, consider shifting from care giver to care guider. Empower girls to demonstrate that they can care for themselves, deeply and deliberately, as they grow up. You will be the best judge of how to balance providing care with encouraging her self-care.
So see what happens when she learns how to practise self-care and self-nurture and realizes that she can ease her stress and discomfort, feel more confident, and discover more pleasure and fulfillment in her days. There are many ways to encourage a girl to turn inward and provide herself with the care she needs and deserves. As girls take the lead in identifying their needs and getting them met, they learn invaluable life lessons of independence and responsibility.
When girls come to know how to provide for themselves, they send a clear message to themselves (and others) about their self-worth and self-respect. This can be revolutionary. They will have to come to terms with the fact that putting one’s own needs first will inevitably mean disappointing those who are used to a different status quo. Girls are natural caregivers and nurturers, but often their priorities become skewed—for example, when they help a friend in need even though they themselves feel depleted and empty. By making the decision to care for herself first, and until she feels restored, she will ultimately have more to offer others.
Girls need to know that self-care is not selfish. Rather, it’s a gift they can give to themselves. And when girls make self-care a habit and choose to focus on self first, they may feel enhanced inner strength, emboldened to keep going, and as though they can conquer the whole world!
“Conversations require complete disregard for the clock.” JULIA ROBERTS
Self-care is a daily and consistent habit, a reflective practice of knowing and loving the entire self. Getting started can be as simple as choosing to do even one good thing for herself every day. Let’s look at self-care in terms of the whole girl: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
Physical Self
Girls taking care of their bodies begins with excellent hygiene. This includes washing their body, cutting their nails, brushing their hair, and caring for their skin with sunscreen, medicated cream, and moisturizer.
Beyond these hygiene basics, we need to educate girls to honour and respect their bodies by fuelling and nourishing them with whole and nutritious foods and drinking plenty of water to stay hydrated. The expression “You are what you eat” is absolutely correct! When girls eat healthy foods such as fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains, and limit sugary, fatty, and processed foods, not only will they have more energy, but they will feel healthier and better about themselves. Consuming nutritionally dense foods will contribute to healthy, glowing skin, strong teeth and nails,
