10.I am impressed when you. . .
Perfectly Imperfect 3
PERFECTIONISM IS THE desire to be flawless and to accomplish one’s goals without falling short of one’s own high standards. Most of my clients have perfectionistic tendencies, which are obvious when they say things like “I’m never going to be good enough” and “I only got 95 percent on my test.” They sit before me, erasing printing they see as not straight enough and relaying their busy schedules, and then tell me they are joining another team because it’ll look good when they apply to universities. They push themselves beyond their boundaries. When asked to try something new—a quick drawing, say—they stare at me blankly. They freeze up not because they aren’t competent, but because the idea of not drawing perfectly on their first try is so daunting to them that it’s debilitating. Perfectionists are one “mistake” away from devastation.
Perfectionists are overly self-critical, and black-and-white thinkers. They are the achievers and hard workers who are always striving to improve. In short, perfectionists get the job done, and they exemplify excellence. Yet they are stressed out and incredibly hard on themselves. Perfectionists don’t see the point in practice and process, only in perfect results. They can’t value their efforts toward a desired outcome unless they achieve that outcome exactly as they imagined it. They crumble at the hint of criticism, and they shut down and refuse to try when they can’t guarantee 100 percent accuracy. Perfectionism is often coupled with unhealthy BFFS, namely worry, anxiety, fear, and shame.
Girls especially can be their own worst critic. Ironically, many girls can’t imagine being judgmental or deprecating to a friend. Often there’s a striking juxtaposition between the language a girl uses toward a friend in need—“I told her she was going to be okay and that next time will be better”—and the language she uses to speak to herself—“I can’t believe I totally screwed up!” Why is it so much easier to be compassionate toward a friend than toward oneself?
“It’s okay that everything isn’t okay all the time.” TAYLOR SWIFT
So, why are girls so self-critical? Socialization is partly responsible. When girls see their friends being hard on themselves, they learn the language of self-deprecation. It’s also a way to gain attention and empathy. When a girl is hard on herself, she can get instant support from other girls—although over time, this attention seeking can become annoying to others. Finally, girls can be tough on themselves because they don’t consider alternatives. Tough love becomes second nature to them.
Perfectionists are shaped by many factors. Often, there’s a push from home: high-achieving and successful parents often push their children (who receive the message, even if it’s not clearly stated). There are many cultural influences too. Watch an hour of cable television, and you’ll see a plethora of competition shows like X Factor, Dancing with the Stars, and The Voice, all based on selecting the “best” contestant and eliminating those who aren’t “good enough.” Social media isn’t helping, with its steady stream of handcrafted shots of people’s exciting, happy, and flashy experiences. We never get to see the shots that didn’t make the post.
Perfection has its appeal: it’s what we see all around us, and it’s only natural to want a piece of it for ourselves. The pursuit of perfection is often equated with happiness, acceptance, and self-worth, so it might seem like a healthy path toward self-improvement.
Mostly, girls know that how they feel about themselves is a function of what they achieve and accomplish. If they please, perform, and perfect, they feel good about themselves—and their self-esteem increases. Conversely, if they don’t please, perform, and perfect (their sign of “not good enough”), they feel unhappy with themselves—and their self-esteem decreases.
“You’ve been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” LOUISE HAY
Yet perfection doesn’t exist. The idea of perfection is simply that: an idea. We have constructed this elusive concept, but its very core is neither real nor realistic. Girls think that if they just push a little more, and they try a little harder, then they will be perfect; but since this place called “perfect” doesn’t exist, they never reach it. They simply try harder and push for more—perpetuating the destructive cycle that sounds like this: If I just put a little more time and energy into looking, living, and being perfect, then I’ll be loved and accepted. And when I feel “not good enough,” I’ll just put a little more time and energy into being “more” perfect.
And because perfection doesn’t exist, perfectionism is therefore based on illogical thinking. In the words of Brené Brown, a research professor in the field of social work, “Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. . . it’s a shield.”1 Perfectionism can be a shield for girls, protecting them from what they are afraid of: failure, rejection, judgment, and vulnerability.
“To be self-compassionate is not to be self-indulgent or self-centred. Treat yourself with love, care, dignity and make your wellbeing a priority.” CHRISTOPHER DINES
If we can deconstruct perfection for girls, we can help them embrace the healthy foundation of being “perfectly imperfect,” where girls can see their uniqueness, areas of growth, things they are learning to do, and broken pieces as all parts of who they are. When coupled with their strengths, girls’ imperfections make them authentic and whole. By helping girls let go of the idea of perfection and grab on to the idea of personal best instead, we can help them accept a new perspective. If girls can see that life is a series of mistakes and failures, along with successes and triumphs, they can enjoy the process and relax into life. This kind of understanding of ongoing development is filled with self-compassion and self-acceptance, in contrast to the all-or-nothing harshness of perfectionism.
This is why teaching girls self-compassion is paramount. Self-compassion is being kind and understanding with yourself, without judgment or criticism, at the very moment you need it. Self-compassion is a powerful way to discover inner happiness and emotional well-being. It might sound like this: What a tough day. In this moment, I am experiencing discomfort. But, I can be here for myself and I can help myself through this difficult time. I am going to be okay! Self-compassion is there for the taking no matter what is happening—it’s there on good days and bad. It’s not contingent on any kind of performance.
In her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Dr. Kristin Neff contends that self-compassion is the perfect alternative to self-esteem, because it “offers the same protection against harsh self-criticism as self-esteem, but without the need to see ourselves as perfect or better than others. In other words, self-compassion provides the same benefits as high self-esteem without its drawbacks.”2 Whereas self-esteem is about encouraging self-worth primarily through achievement, self-compassion says self-worth is unconditional because a person has worth on the inside, no matter what happens outside her.
According to Neff, self-compassion comprises three key components: First, self-kindness and the use of kind and gentle language when expressing a unique experience, especially in the face of difficulty or disappointment. Second, loving yourself with warm and caring self-talk and understanding that we all share a common humanity; for a girl, this means being able to see that, as “weird” as she feels as she grows and gauges how to fit in, she is more similar to other girls than she is different from them. And third, mindfulness—focusing on what is happening in the present moment, with less emphasis on the past or the future. Thanks to the research of Neff and others, people are beginning to see self-compassion as the essential
