smart and capable. This makes it so easy to charm anyone with unexpected messages that sound pleasant. Compliments are the secret path to Fort Knox.
Example
This man was angry with me because he did not like the tone of my email. Instead of allowing a war of words to escalate, I set up a meeting because I needed his office to represent me. First I let him cool down for two weeks – always a good idea. Of course I preferred hostile terrain – his office instead of mine. Here he felt at ease. That day I could almost feel the stress inside the building from the moment of entering.
After some talk about the awful traffic I started with the following words: “Now about our disagreement. The reason I wanted to speak to you today is that I never told you that I had my pick of people to work with but I chose you over the others because you represent the kind of qualities I find important in this business and in life itself. And I am not sorry that I did. Now that we have that out of the way, shall we talk about what is bothering you?”
Now this was over the top, I admit. An extreme test of my own material and I expected him to say that he had read my book and would not fall for this manipulation but, believe it or not, I never found out where his anger came from because it did not seem to matter any more. Mysteriously his problem had disappeared or maybe this is not so mysterious after all. When people feel insulted, they become angry. The more angry, the more personally they experience your unintended insult. Yet nothing is so serious that it cannot be overruled by a grand gesture.
When a deal seems impossible we look around to make up the difference, finding elements that are worth more to one party than to the other. That’s called a variable. In theory, the list of possibilities is extensive.
Example
If we stick to the example of the building and suppose that Bill really thinks the windows are so run down that the building needs new ones. In his head he will deduct the expense from his valuation so even if both go beyond their bottom line, they still cannot come to an agreement.
When, after days of standstill, Bill offers 2.2 and Joe goes all the way down to 2.4, they are still 100,000 apart that neither wants to give up, because Bill (in his mind) adds 300,000 to his 2.2, so his real offer is 2.5. He just fails to inform his counterpart, Joe.
Suppose Joe’s neighbour happens to be a contractor who has new windows in stock that he would like to sell for half price... then a variable has been born and the deal can now go through. It all hangs on one thing. Asking why.
If Joe does not ask that all-important question he will never be able to come up with the solution that is needed to close the deal. We will return to the pros and cons of variables later.
The outstanding result
FOCUS: How does one obtain an outstanding result?
ELABORATE: The word to remember is outstanding. You will distinguish yourself from others, who are satisfied with any result as long as their ego doesn’t get crushed in the process.
SOLUTION: To begin with, you, as an individual, must stand out from the crowd. You must appear outstanding, because everyone else seems satisfied with a mediocre result.
Tiny subliminal messages can accomplish this because exceptional people act... well, exceptionally.
The trick is convincing the other side to accept your most damaging facts, and they will not take that kind of information from just anyone. So if they remember just one person they met that day, week or year, make sure it’s you.
Our introduction is often rushed but I don’t see why. Later we may think about dominant or submissive handshakes. Most people know a firm handshake is the sign of a strong individual, period. There is much more to it and I could write a book about this segment alone but ... After shaking hands. Do you want coffee or tea?
Start here!
According to our prejudices, we separate coffee and tea people. The coffee drinker is more likely to move fast and may act nervous, or even aggressive. We suspect that the tea drinker has heart problems, or wears socks inside his sandals, and smokes pot. True or not, it does not matter. We all have slightly different notions depending on our upbringing and previous experiences.
Today you will not fit in ANY box
It is important that they cannot place you, because while they are looking, feeling, probing, and weighing every bit of your appearance… they will look and listen.
So I usually ask for special coffee, maybe double latte decaffeinated, or a certain fruit tea. They do not have it? Hum!
“Then just water please, no ice.” Or lots of ice, whatever you feel like. Within reason, be as difficult as you can. I promise that you can manage it.
At this stage they will expect easy answers because you do not want to be any bother, just match the wallpaper, so to speak. Most people blatantly disregard their own wishes when something big – like a major negotiation – is about to start. They are on hostile ground or a neutral place, still unfamiliar.. While you are picky at home, you won’t be when you are under pressure. When you display the same attitude as you would at home, the message under the surface is that the proceedings do not worry you in the least. You are just busy with your drink.
Show that you are completely calm and confident of the final outcome and I promise everyone will feel it. Either with this meeting, or with someone else, you will reach your desired result.
Make sure you dress to fit the image you want to create, but never wear recognizably inexpensive items unless as a joke, like a Mickey Mouse watch in combination with an expensive suit. You should not appear in need of money; this should not appear to be an issue for you. These are preconceived notions that we have to deal with. We cannot really change them, but we sure can take advantage.
Once this is established it means you deal because you want to be associated with these persons, their company. There is a clear compliment here that you have options but these people (whatever they stand for or hold dear) have earned your preference.
How about the weather?
Seemingly unimportant conversations have their place at the negotiation table as an introduction. It is considered unwise and in some cultures even impolite to just start proceedings with facts and figures. And rightly so. It puts too much importance on the deal instead of on the personal relationship even if there isn’t one at this early stage. People will never question why you respect them even if there is no way they could have earned it.
It is also a great way to gain valuable information about the person on the other side of the table. Beforehand and during breaks are the perfect moments to gain information that seemingly has no relevance to the case.
If your opponent is the first to talk about business, this can make him seem more eager, and for that reason you will find some people reluctant to do so. If after a period of small talk the conversation stalls, you may direct it
