highest calling. You will have to be always mindful of what you say and do since you are the most important person in your child’s life and in your heart you know that how you treat your child each and every moment does matter.
Your loving actions are needed from the instant you bring your baby into the world and forever after. Madeline and Dave take turns getting up at night, doing the laundry, cooking the meals, and changing the diapers. In just one month with a baby at home, their lives have changed considerably—no more sleeping in, no more leisurely showers, no more gourmet brunches or spontaneous outings. But as they put aside their own needs and desires to care for their newborn, Madeline and Dave are discovering that it is through their loving actions that their lives are enriched. Quickly they are learning what many parents before them have learned—that you can’t be selfish, self-centered, or lazy if you want to take loving care of your child; you will be called on to perform many mundane tasks of child rearing, many of which aren’t all that fun, but when you do them anyway, because your child needs you to, you are taking right and loving action and the bond between you grows stronger. Madeline and Dave are learning, as you will too, that parenting requires continuous adjustment and loving actions, even when you are too tired to feel much love.
As a parent, a family counselor, and human relations consultant for more than twenty years, I have met hundreds of parents who’ve insisted, “I love my child,” and although I believe they felt love, I sometimes couldn’t tell it by their actions. Unknowingly and unintentionally they would criticize and undermine the child’s spirit—it was as though they weren’t paying attention to what they were doing. It wasn’t that they were bad people, they just hadn’t learned how to turn their love into daily action, hadn’t put themselves in their children’s shoes.
In the parenting classes I teach, parents continually ask how to create strong, nurturing families. They ask how to raise children with high self-esteem, how to laugh, lighten up, and have fun in the process. I meet hundreds of parents and children who desperately want to love and enjoy one another; and even though there are thousands of books on parenting filled with myriad tips and techniques, the parents I talk with want something different.
Perhaps because we are all so busy, tired, and overwhelmed by trying to be super parents that occasionally all that’s needed is a gentle reminder of how to express our love to our children—of the loving actions we need to make.
Wonderful Ways to Love a Child is a guide for all parents who want to put love into action so they can give their children the very best start in life. It’s a prescription to strengthen your family, packed with guidance and reassurance of what I know is possible. Use it daily for comfort and support, and it will empower you to be the kind of parent you want to be. It’s filled with true stories from children and parents who are building strong, nurturing, and loving families. Their stories can show you the way. Please remember these suggestions are not simple tricks; they must be used with integrity, compassion, and all the emotional honesty you can muster. If they are not truly part of you, they will not work.
As a parent, and a counselor of hundreds of others, I have come to see that the most important part of parenting is the quality of the relationship between you and your children—not what they wear, how they comb their hair, whether they finish in first, second, or third place, but rather how it feels to be together. When they are grown and have children of their own, grades will not be remembered, but all of you will remember the quality of your relationship. My wish is that this book will give you some ideas for building a loving, lasting friendship with your children that will help them soar as individuals so that they will gladly come to visit as adults.
As a parent of a teenager, I know how important it is to be reminded of the loving relationship that can exist between parent and child and of the fun and excitement we can share in our homes. I offer this book as an invitation to keep growing in a positive, uplifting direction. Our pediatrician asked my daughter, Manda, at age four, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A person,” she answered.
Yes, it is so: A parent’s calling is to raise a person. By making these loving actions part of your life, you have the power to build the kind of family unit most people long for. And together, if we learn to love our children well, we can save the world.
Parenting is a
two-way street.
As you take them
by the hand
they will take you
by the heart.
Loving yourself is the basis for all that is beautiful and meaningful in the human experience, and parenting is no exception. Simply put, because self-love is the basis of individual responsibility and joy, you cannot be a good parent if you don’t love yourself. For it is through discovering how precious you are that you are able to have the courage and self-confidence that parenting requires; by loving yourself you will have an internal sense of well-being so that, rather than looking to your children for validation, you have your own identity. Loving yourself is the first step toward making room in your life for a new, little person, because when you love yourself you are then able to love your children for love’s sake, rather than for what they can do for you.
What does it mean to love yourself as a parent? It means taking time for yourself daily. Respecting yourself. Pampering yourself once in a while. It means learning about your unique talents and enjoying whatever makes your heart sing. It means sticking up for yourself when you know you need to.
Having a child in your life requires that you love yourself more and more. It’s a daily process in which you come to know yourself as you are, forgive yourself for the not-so-loving parts you uncover, and, finally, take whatever loving action is needed for your personal growth. When you love yourself, you are able to admit your shortcomings, knowing that although things have not always been easy for you, you have done the best you can. When you love and accept yourself, you will not be afraid to grow, to learn, to change. You will feel alive and have the energy you need to enjoy and nurture your family. Since children learn by example, you are the greatest teacher of what loving yourself really means. Here’s a story to illustrate.
Although Kris, age twenty-nine, felt guilty about going back to college, she decided to follow her longing. The kids had to pitch in. They ate more fast food, had less money, and learned daily living skills earlier than some of their friends. At graduation, her children, eight and nine, walked across the stage hand-in-hand with their mom. Upon Kris receiving her diploma, the kids handed her a handmade card that said, “We are proud of you! We did it.” Think about the powerful positive lessons Kris taught her kids by loving herself enough to follow her own heart: that success is possible, that success comes from teamwork, and that there is joy in pulling together.
If or when you find yourself feeling resentful toward your children, saying or thinking, “After all I do for you,” it’s time to shift the focus onto yourself. For when you are not true to yourself, instead of feeling love for your child, you soon start resenting him or her. This wall of resentment is hard to take down. When you are not true to yourself, you feel out of balance and your day gets out of whack; you get angry more easily and snap quickly. Yet when you take care of yourself, your children feel contentment in their bones.
A little person who loves himself grows up to be a responsible adult, able to
