the child fulfill his or her own desires. For example, Sloane wanted her daughter Lindy to excel in track, and daily pointed out her talent. She was quite surprised when Lindy quit the track team and told her, “If you like track so well, why don’t you do it?” Sloane had to admit that she was pushing her favorite sport rather than supporting Lindy in doing what she wanted.
Don’t try to persuade your child to follow your dreams by saying, “I’d rather you become an engineer,” to her desire to become an editor. When you encourage, you inspire your child to be herself. If she has a dream, tell her it’s a wonderful dream—no matter what. Don’t knock it and don’t put fear into her by saying, “There aren’t that many jobs for astronauts.”
Children have goals and ambitions of their own. Your job is to cheer them on. And don’t forget to recognize their efforts. One parent said after reviewing a much-improved report card, “You put in a lot of work to get these grades. Congratulations!” In some families the child who messes up gets all the attention, so don’t forget to give words of praise to the child who is quietly doing well.
Suzannah frequently says to her children, “I trust you to know what is right for you.” Such heartening words are music to the ears and echo the message: It’s okay to discover who you are and to find out what you’re all about. With such uplifting coaching from you, even when they have a setback, they won’t be pessimistic for long.
Love them and believe in them totally. Jean and George told their children, “Whatever you are wishing for, we wish for you.” With this kind of loving backup, you will be a light of inspiration guiding your children as they become what they are capable of being.
Children crave parents who understand them. Whether they are learning to ride a bicycle or cooking breakfast for the first time, your children are mastering new skills and need you to understand that life is also difficult for them. If you understand your child, he will feel safe to come to you. When life shuffles and tosses your children around, they will find solace and protection in the shelter of your understanding: “I know you’re disappointed—tell me all about it.” As Courtney said, “My parents may not always agree, but they always try to understand.”
Understanding means not only that you understand what they are saying, but also that you are aware of when they are down, need to be left alone, or are hurt or frustrated, even if they don’t say so with words. Nine-year-old Seth came home and, as usual, went straight for the refrigerator, but his mother noticed something wrong; perhaps it was the deliberate way he walked or the hang of his head.
“Are you upset?” she asked. When he denied it, she didn’t question further, saying, “Well, just the same, please go easy on yourself.” As he left, he nodded. Later he told her he was having trouble with some kids at school, but he appreciated her knowing “when to stay out of my head.” It made him feel he could solve his own problem.
Understanding is not jumping to conclusions, thinking you know for sure what is going on. Try to understand the meaning behind the words. When Leon, age five, dropped his ice-cream cone on the ground and started sobbing, his mom said, “Don’t cry—I’ll get you another one.” She was puzzled when he insisted he didn’t want any more ice cream. When he went off to sit by himself, she realized he had spilled the ice cream on his favorite baseball shirt.
“Are you worried about your shirt?” He nodded. “Are you worried that the stain won’t come out?” He shook his head. “Are you worried that it won’t be clean by tonight?”
“Yup!”
By coming to this understanding, they were ready to find the solution.
Understanding means letting your child be in charge and not quickly taking over. A child learning to tie his shoes may get easily frustrated, but even so he does not want you to do it for him. Instead suggest, “You might try it this way.” When your child asks for your advice, don’t rush in with your answers so quickly; instead ask, “What do you think?” This gives him confidence to solve his own dilemmas. He relaxes, tensions melt away, and he is able to accept the challenge of the task at hand.
If you want the kind of relationship with your child in which he knows he can come to you with any question, concern, or upset, be sure to answer his questions honestly. This is not always easy, because children have a knack for asking the hard ones: “Did you ever skip school?” “What happens when you die?” “Who is God’s mother?”
Constant questions are a sign of an intelligent child. And it isn’t a sign of disrespect when she questions your words or actions. An inquisitive child does not go along willy-nilly with authority figures, including her parents. A child who follows blindly without asking why can be easily led. So respect questioning. And if you don’t know the answer, say so—“I don’t know, that’s a good question”—then help your child find answers. Try not to lose patience with the continual “whys” or “how comes” the little ones ask, or with the tougher questions that are sure to follow.
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