have high self-esteem, they are able to learn and function better in school, they have friends, they feel connected with others, and they know they belong. They are competent, can make meaningful decisions, and are willing to try. They are optimistic, curious, and enjoy life. Loving oneself develops true character that cannot be swayed by such things as peer pressure or the countless outside influences your child will surely face.
Helping your children accept themselves just as they are is what unconditional love is all about. So above all else, don’t base your love on what they do, but rather simply on the fact that they exist. When Garret asked his dad, “What do you like about me?” his father answered, “You!”
“What about me?” asked Garret.
“What I like about you, Garret, is that you are you. I like you.” One day when my daughter, Manda, was in the first grade, she came home from school and I asked her, “What did you do in school today?” “I can’t tell you,” she announced.
“Why not?”
“Because you’ll get mad.”
Now, of course, I was more curious than ever. So I thought about it for a while and then told her, “Manda, if you decide to tell me what you did in school today, I promise that if I get mad, I’ll just go straight to my room.”
“You promise?”
“Yup,” I replied.
“Well, today we had to write down who our best friend was… I didn’t write down you, Mom.”
“Oh?”
“I wrote down me. I just can’t help it, I like me best! But I wrote you down second.”
I was so pleased; I thought to myself, congratulations, you haven’t ruined her yet. I was glad that she liked herself first and that she recognized her own value, because with this inner sense of self-worth, I knew she would enjoy herself, her school, her friends, and her life.
When youths find themselves through the miracle of self-acceptance, their lives becomes a self-fulfilling journey; suddenly they’re powerful enough to bravely cope with all the challenges and the ups and downs that life will bring. The bonus is, as they learn to be compassionate toward themselves, love for others is sure to follow.
If you have ever rocked a baby in the stillness of the night, then got up with the light of morning exhausted from lack of sleep, you know how difficult parenting can be, as well as what joy your child can bring. If you have ever cuddled your baby on your lap and had that very same sweet-smelling baby spit up on your freshly washed shirt, you know how frustrated you can feel while at the same time your heart wells up with overwhelming love. If you have ever resented spending your hard-earned money on piano, tennis, swimming, ballet, or gymnastics lessons that seem to be taken for granted, then watched with pride your child’s sense of accomplishment, you know the difficult journey you face and what rewards it will bring.
Sometimes you get so annoyed that you want to scream, rant, and rave about all you have done for them; then they bring you a bouquet of dandelions and your heart melts. As they grow they seem to challenge you at every turn—they no longer accept your guidance unquestioningly, but seem to disagree with every word you utter; then when you’re sure you’ll go mad, out of the blue they make an observation, see a new angle, or put a new twist on things, and you marvel at the brilliance of their perspective.
No one ever said parenting is easy. Parenting means giving unselfishly when you are exhausted. It means buying your children new shoes while you go without. It means going by someone else’s schedule. It means staying up late and not being able to sleep in. It means sharing everything—your money, your food, your makeup, your socks. It means looking out for another’s welfare. When your children are babies it seems as though you pack up the entire house just to go to the grocery store, and when they are older you drive them to the movies, but they won’t sit next to you. Some days they won’t leave your side, but other days, without knowing how, you embarrass them, and they refuse to be seen with you in public. You strive to be a good parent, but you struggle with self-doubt.
Although parenting is perhaps the most important calling, it is the least-taught art in this culture. As a society we seem to think that the mere biological capacity to bear children qualifies us to raise them well. But we are slowly recognizing that we could all use some lessons and skill building, and fortunately there are many great classes around. Parent Effectiveness Training is a wonderful course taught almost everywhere, or look for classes at your local community college; talk to other parents, or read books on parenting and child development. You might consider joining or starting a parenting support group or taking a class to help you heal and grow. If you are not happy with yourself and who you are as a person, you can’t give to your child what you don’t have yourself. Perhaps you might benefit from counseling. Whatever your need, if you look, you will find it; if you need help, please ask for it.
When a package arrived in the mail marked “handle with care,” no one would consider throwing it around carelessly. No one would ignore it, regard it as a nuisance, or be annoyed with it. The package would be opened slowly, tenderly, because it is fragile. Loving attention would be given. Perhaps if we think of children as precious little bundles sent special delivery directly from the heavens, we might be more patient with their troublesome behaviors.
Our children do many things that frazzle our nerves and push our buttons, but remembering that their hearts are delicate might help us be more sensitive. It is possible to devastate children’s spirits with harsh words, or by ignoring them, or brushing them off. So instead of threatening, “If you don’t stop it this minute, I’ll really give you something to cry about,” or asking the ridiculous, “Do you want a spanking?” try stopping for a moment to ask yourself, “Why am I overreacting?”
There is a big difference between acting and reacting, and as a parent it is important to learn the distinction. This requires thought, practice, and a lot of deep breathing. When Tommy broke his mother’s favorite vase after she had asked him repeatedly to stop throwing the ball in the house, for a moment she thought she would come unglued. She didn’t react; instead she counted to a thousand and waited to see what would happen. She told me she learned a lot that day: Tommy had to focus on his own misbehavior instead of dealing with her hysterical reaction. He quietly picked up the broken vase and brought it to her, and she could see that he had learned a painful lesson. They talked about what had happened, and he promised never to throw the ball in the house again. And he didn’t.
When you find yourself coming down hard on your child, or when your reaction is out of proportion, take a long deep breath, count to ten or ten thousand, and ask yourself, “What is going on with me, right now?” or “Why am I feeling this way?”
Breathe, breathe, breathe, and think before you act, so that once again you can feel the extraordinary sweetness of your child. Nothing is more important than handling their body and souls with tender loving care.
Being present is making contact with the essence of the other person. It is meeting your child in the moment, without concern for the past or the future, and with your mind emptied of distractions. This means you come to your child free of expectations, preconceived notions, and the thousand other things you “need” to be doing,
