it is vitally important.
Do you remember hearing stories of the poor little rich kid who had every material advantage but whose heart was broken because the parents were never really there? Perhaps you even know someone like this. Sadly, there are many children who suffer from this kind of neglect. Gifts, no matter how expensive, will never take the place of your presence. Giving your complete and focused attention is much more valuable to a growing child and is the most satisfying way of being together.
As an infant your child requires your presence constantly, but as she gets older it’s easy to forget to pay attention, so watch for signs that she may be feeling abandoned. Perhaps her pestering you while you’re on the phone is a signal that she needs more undivided attention. Once a six-year-old boy told me that the only time his father paid any attention to him was when he got in trouble at school and, since he wanted his dad’s attention, he didn’t mind the trouble. I suggested to his father, Don, that he spend a half hour each evening just hanging out with his son. He wasn’t sure it would make a difference but agreed to try. The trouble in school stopped, and Don discovered how important his presence was to his young son.
As kids move toward independence, you will be more on top of their adventures if you tune in without distraction. Amber, for example, schedules Saturday-morning breakfast dates at a neighborhood cafe with her nine- and eleven-year-olds. She finds that just an hour away from home to focus on their needs keeps the lines of communication open.
Children do not always communicate with words, so be aware of the nonverbal ways children try to get you to listen. Hailey, at age five, started sucking her thumb again, whereas Ian was always so excited to talk with his parents at dinnertime that he could not eat. Davey complained of a stomachache each morning before school, and Candice bit her fingernails or twisted her hair when her parents argued. A child who repeatedly cries when left with a babysitter or clings and whines when with other adults may be sending a message that you need to be paying more attention.
Clear your mind, clear your schedule, and really be there. When you can’t give your full attention, tell them so, then schedule a time when you can—and keep it. Turn off the television and turn on the answering machine. Sit together, talk, relax and unwind, and you will feel the connection grow stronger. If you are truly present when you are together, when you’re apart they will rest assured your love surrounds them.
Listening from your heart is completely different from listening with your ears. Few people know how to do this, and very few parents listen to their children this way. Listening from the heart means being genuinely interested, open, and caring. It means being eager to hear, to learn, to be astonished—without the need to argue, interrupt the flow, or give advice (the really hard part!). Listening from the heart means not jumping in with your point of view, but rather hearing what life is like from your child’s perspective. It is listening with a sense of wonder. When you listen from your heart, your child feels safe to tell all, for a child who is with a receptive adult opens up and shares freely.
When Jake was caught cutting high school, he was upset and called his dad, John, insisting he pick him up right away. While driving to the school John reminded himself not to jump to conclusions but to allow Jake to do the talking. Jake told his dad that he didn’t want to return to school that day, that he needed time to think. So instead of scolding, lecturing, or dispensing advice, John took his son for a walk and continued listening. Jake talked about everything from soccer to grades to money. The more John listened, the more Jake shared. He talked about his girlfriend, sex, and his future. Because of John’s heartfelt listening, what might have been a confrontation softened into an intimate father-son conversation, ending with Jake listening to his father’s point of view.
A child who is upset needs sensitive listening where few words are exchanged. Remember that saying “Oh” or “Hmmm” is sometimes enough; the fewer words from you, the better. Don’t try to coax for more information than your child wants to give. Crystal cried and gasped for air while she told her mother how Lissy wouldn’t share the dolls. Fortunately, Mom avoided the tendency to fix the problem. She listened, nodded in understanding, and, as often happens, within an hour or so Crystal was playing with Lissy again.
A child who is crying does not want to be asked questions or be given advice. In fact, he wants you to understand without having to explain. When your child has finished crying or is no longer so upset, you might ask a simple question, such as, “Something happened?” or “Bad day?” Too many questions and your child feels defensive. Some children will share more; others will want to keep it to themselves, and you need to learn to respect their way.
Listening from your heart will heighten the sense of closeness with your child, and many times you’ll discover that your gentle, quiet listening is all that’s needed for your child to find his own solution.
Like adults, children respond well to kindness. While what you say and the tone of your voice indicates how you are feeling, your child will interpret your words and tone as direct messages about his own self-worth. So speak gently and kindly, and your children will listen. There’s no need to sound like an old shrew to get their attention.
Stop yelling. Shouting at children or to your spouse creates tension in the air, bad vibes around the house, and noise pollution in your head. It is not a good idea. Don’t preach, nag, lecture, or pontificate either. Stop all the harping and blaming. Drop all criticism both direct and disguised. Don’t bully, scream, call names, or threaten. For some of us, this is much easier to say than to do. We grew up in families that screamed and shrieked, blamed, and poked fun at one another, so it feels almost natural to do it. I suggest to parents with that kind of history that they stop before the harsh words come out and ask themselves, “If this child were me, how would I like to be spoken to?”
Maggie was worried sick when Joel, eight years old, who was supposed to be playing at the neighbor’s, could not be found. She searched high and low, called everyone, and yelled for him. By the time he came walking up the street two hours later, she was in tears. She was so relieved she wanted to hug him, scold him, take him in her arms, and threaten him so he would never do that again. Wisely, instead she gently took his hand, walked silently for a block, and then asked, “Where were you, Joel?”
“Didn’t you get the message on the answering machine?” he replied. “Ben’s dad took us to play basketball. We saw a dog get hit by a car and took it to the vet.”
She listened quietly as Joel told the story in great detail, sometimes fighting back his tears. She was so glad that she had held her tongue before she spoke, and so glad she had listened instead of talking so much as she sometimes did. When she got home, sure enough, just as she had taught him to do, there were two messages on the machine, letting her know what was happening.
When you find yourself becoming overwrought, take time to unwind—go for a walk or call a friend. Clear your head first, then, when you’re ready, talk things over. Remember, every interaction has tremendous potential to hurt or heal, to wound or inspire. And in the midst of chaos, your simple act of kindness can turn their day and yours around.
We all need encouragement—you do and so does your child.
In some ways we are all helpless little people trying to cope with a complex world. The rules change practically every day and it’s hard to keep up. No one needs encouragement more than children. There are so many pressures and temptations that they need all the support
