to identify opportunities to do something in a different way. So as I journeyed through my day, I started to identify opportunities to be a kinder person – often in the simplest ways. Within a matter of days, I was feeling great that I could write things in my journal that really did demonstrate that I was being a kind person after all.
I continued to update this journal for about three months. What I found really amazing was that I automatically started to do kinder things during the day without having to think about it – it became a new habit, and what a nice new habit to have! What is even more lovely is that when people talk about me nowadays, they will often refer to me as being a ‘kind person’, so that reaffirms for me that I am being more of the person that I want to be in the world.
I hope that this simple example provides you with awareness about the importance of self-reflection and also about starting to identify what is important to us within our role as leaders. The key action that will make us stand out from other managers and leaders is that we take the important step of choosing how we wish to fulfil our roles, and what values and behaviours we will uphold in doing this. The important thing is that we make this choice, rather than simply ‘going with the flow’ in an unconscious state, and end up operating in a way that wasn’t what we set out to do.
Case example
I recall a time in my career where I really benefited by asking myself some challenging questions that enabled me to choose how I wanted to carry out my role. I had started a new role where I was an administration manager looking after a team of about 50 people. I was fortunate that the lady who had previously been in the role had agreed to a hand-over period of two weeks before she moved on to a new job, so I spent as much time with her as I possibly could to ‘learn the ropes’.
During our second week together she sat me down and, with a serious look on her face, proceeded to give me some insights into what it was like working for the Managing Director (MD) of the business. She advised me that he was an interesting man and that despite having worked with him for the past four years, she had never been able to get him to change his mind or see her point of view. In fact, she boldly stated that no one could ever get him to change his mind and so it wasn’t worth even trying. Indeed, everyone in the company shared this view and so she was giving me a head start by letting me know this. Of course, I listened intently and noted what she had shared with me.
About a week later, after my predecessor had left, one of my team leaders came up to me and sat down – also with a serious look on his face. He proceeded to let me know that he wasn’t sure if anyone had mentioned it yet, and if not he felt compelled to let me know that the MD had a dislike of women wearing the colour red. He went on to explain that the MD felt that it looked unprofessional and wanted to warn me of this, rather than having me embarrassed by being called into the MD’s office and advised personally if caught wearing the ‘offending’ colour. Again, I noted his comments with interest and thanked him for taking the time to share this information with me.
Shortly after, another team member visited my office, sat down and let me know that they had something important they wanted to share with me. They went on to advise me that they weren’t sure if I already knew, but wanted to make sure that I did know, that the MD really disliked people who smoked. Although they knew that I was a non-smoker, they did want to make sure that I was aware that there were a few smokers in my team and that it was well known that if anyone was caught by the MD having an unofficial smoke break, the admin manager would be called into his office for a ‘chat’. They were concerned that I might get into trouble if I was unaware of this and suggested that I have a quiet word with the smokers in my team so that they would be very discreet about their smoking. Again, I thanked the person for taking the time to update me and noted their comments with interest.
Having had these interesting pieces of ‘advice’ provided to me, I had a choice about what I was to do with them. The questions I asked myself really came down to whether I accepted the way things were and acted accordingly, or whether I challenged the situations. Asking myself some challenging questions really helped me to work out that I was dealing with people’s perceptions and not necessarily the truth, and so on this basis I decided to work out how I was going to respond to the advice I’d been given.
As the months passed in my new role, I have to say it was an interesting time for me. Yes, it was apparent that the MD didn’t particularly like to be challenged or indeed change his mind; however, this didn’t stop me challenging things on a regular basis and managing to get him to change his mind on many occasions. Yes, it was apparent that he didn’t like people taking time out of their paid day to smoke. That didn’t stop me sitting down with him to work out an official smoke-break policy that he could tolerate without anyone having to be called into his office. As for wearing red, I was the proud owner of two red jackets at that time and wore them regularly, always with the expectation that I would be called in to see him. Interestingly this never happened, and one day he did ask me whether I had ever been told a ‘story’ that he didn’t like women who wore red. I advised him that indeed I had, but that I had chosen to ignore it. He smiled and told me that he had heard a rumour that this was what was being said, but had decided to do nothing about it to test out how people reacted!
My time at that company was, as I said, an interesting one, and I learnt lots about myself as well as how to manage some challenging relationships. I will always be grateful for my ability to ask myself Better Questions at that time, so that I could create my own version of reality rather than buy into one that others had bought into and that had created a culture based on resentment and fear.
I came across an expression a few years ago that I really related to at the time: sometimes we fall into the trap of having an ‘integrity gap’. What I understood by this term was that there are times and situations in our lives when the person we are does not match up with the way we would ideally like to be. During my experiences in the corporate world, there have been times when I have felt compelled (based on my perceived expectations) to act in a certain way, which would not ordinarily be the way I would choose to be. For example, there have been times where I perceived it would be expected within my role to be ‘tough’, and whilst I never valued or liked being like this, I did it because it was expected of me.
What happens, of course, is that when we are operating out of integrity, we not only use a lot more energy in doing what we do, but also we do not feel good about what we are doing. There is a nagging voice within us that tells us that something isn’t sitting comfortably, but frequently we push it aside and hope it will go away. In the long term this cannot be a good thing for our mental, emotional or physical health.
What is great about aligning your actions with your values is that there is no ‘integrity gap’ – you do things in the way that you feel good about. Whilst I am realistic enough to recognise that when one works in an organisation, there has to be some compliance with the norms and values of that organisation, it is also really important for individual leaders to stamp their ways on their role, and I believe that any organisation worth its salt will value and, in fact, encourage this.
To conclude this chapter, I’d like to suggest that leaders who have a desire to ask Better Questions will highly value:
•empowerment
•engagement
•valuing staff
•fulfilling potential.
There will be more on the skills and qualities required to be a great questioner in a later chapter, but I hope this is a starting point for you to candidly consider your own workplace culture and the ‘way you do things around here’.
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