real. It is a “fit in or fly off” mentality. That’s why it is extremely important to choose friends well. If you hang out with a group of people who are experimenting with drugs and alcohol, no doubt you will get into this stuff too. To you it might feel far worse to be left out of the group, and easier to be pressurised into this unwanted lifestyle. But is this right? If you feel your friends are pressurising you, jealous of you, competing with you, stealing your partners, telling on you or talking behind your back, dump them. They will compromise your self-esteem and make you feel bad about who you are. Young men and women learn about sexuality from their friends. Friends can learn from pornographic material, hearsay, the media and their own sexual experiences. This creates a distorted picture – which you might accept as truth because a picture of healthy sexuality doesn’t exist for you. Friends will brag about their sexual conquests and popularity, maybe leaving you feeling inadequate. Often you will deliberately seek to lose your precious virginity just to keep up with your so-called sexually active friends. No choice leaves you with no voice. You need to scream down your friends’ voices in your head and choose what you want.
Build your social bricks for your self-esteem by choosing friends wisely – friends who give you a sense of acceptance and belonging, who make you feel important, from whom you receive affection and are popular. These friends will also treat you well, give you hugs, and recognise your status. Choose friends who watch your back and who do not pressurise you into doing things with which you are uncomfortable. Examine your present friendships by questioning what value they bring to your life. Bear in mind that society is judgemental, and especially love to judge and condemn teens. Think whether the group with whom you hang out is good for your reputation. I am not encouraging you to be a loser. I want you to be a winner, somebody who feels good about who he/she is.
Family bricks
Your family is unique; it is completely different from your friends’, from families in the movies and on television. You may be proud of some of your family members and deeply embarrassed by others. As you are growing up, you may be aware of how different you are from your parents or siblings. This often leads to extreme conflict and tension. Your best brick in the whole wide world is having a healthy, loving, open family. No other brick contributes as much to giving you the positive self-esteem that is so vital to your wellbeing. If there is open communication with your parents, you stand a chance of becoming a healthy sexual adult. Remember, no parent deliberately sets out to mess up, their intentions are mostly good. Of course, too often parents are wounded children themselves. This disables their ability to parent you in a healthy and mature way.
Today’s families are so interesting and varied. You don’t always find the garden variety nuclear family nowadays: mother, father, three kids, a house in the suburbs, two cars in the garage and a few pets. Family combinations are endless:
•Single mother raising kids on her own.
•Single father raising kids on his own.
•Parent and step-parent, plus step-siblings.
•Mother + mother, a woman-headed household (lesbian).
•Father + father, a male-headed household (gay).
•Mother, stepfather and half-siblings.
•Father, stepmother and half-siblings.
•Father in transition to being a mother (transgender).
•Mother in transition to being a father (transgender).
•Grandparents, aunts, uncles raising you.
•Extended families – mother, father and grandparents all living together under one roof.
•Child-headed household, no adults.
•Father commuting – he works in another city and comes home for weekends or holidays.
•Mother commuting.
Building your bricks of self-esteem requires spending time with adults you do admire – teachers, other family members, parents of friends, religious leaders, sports or academic achievers.
The topic of sex is seldom raised in families. Research indicates that children wish they could speak to their parents about sex. Most can’t. Either you are too shy or your parents are uncomfortable with this topic. However, you pick up messages about sex from your parents all the time. You know, the negative remarks they make when there is a sexy scene on television, or bad comments they make about your friends who look “sexy”. Or the expression on your mother’s face when your father sneaks a kiss or touches her butt.
You could quickly learn that sex is bad when your mother catches you masturbating and freaks out. Or she discovers condoms in your pocket and punishes you by taking away your cellphone. In the worst situation you may be a victim of sexual abuse by a family member. Or perhaps you have been sexually abused by a family member who does not live with you, but no one believed you when you spoke about it. You may realise that your parent(s) is/are conservative and will not be open for discussion about your own sexual concerns. Your only option may be to experiment yourself or believe your friends.
Building healthy family bricks is challenging. Unfortunately you can’t do much to make your family more functional. Building your bricks of self-esteem requires spending time with adults you do admire – teachers, other family members, parents of friends, religious leaders, sports or academic achievers, etc. Read about people you admire. Consider what you admire in these adults and attempt to take on some of these qualities.
School bricks
The school you go to could give you a certain status. High status helps build self-esteem, but not everyone can go to a high-status school. Building school bricks means embracing loyalty, commitment and respect towards your school. This is how you take responsibility for developing your own self-esteem. School is the place where you learn so much about yourself as you encounter different people. It is the playground of competitiveness, jealousy, realising your potential, strengths and weaknesses. Pressure to perform is immense. You will be put into a box: geek, slut, druggie, freak, goth, punk, poser, nerd, jock and more.
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If you attend a coeducational school, it becomes the place of awareness of sexuality. The “locker room syndrome” is born, the place where boys compare their penises and girls their breasts and bodies. Self-esteem is developed or squashed in this high-pressurised environment.
Popularity is all-important. Being liked and admired by all, including teachers, is what everyone wants. Cliques are formed, labels given to you, judgements are made which can make or break your self-esteem. Popularity can become skewed and is often determined by your looks, money, family and personal status, rather than by who you are as a person. Changing schools can mean not ever fitting in, constantly feeling on the fringes of the circle, never establishing lifelong solid friendships.
If you are not popular, you may not be invited to and included in social events out of school hours. Weekends begin to feel as lonely and depressing as going to school. This means that going to school can often be a tortuous, lonely experience.
If you are one of the unfortunate kids who
