life can be hell. You may even be one of many children who are sexually abused by a teacher. If that is the case, tell someone who will believe you. Phone Childline.
As in the case of friends and family, healthy school bricks either build or break your self-esteem. It is really hard to like yourself when it feels as if no one else likes you. Escaping into your room at home or the school library during break is a temporary measure of relief. Joining the drug and alcohol clique, or the rebel clique who gets into trouble for stealing cars and housebreaking, or a gang, will not enhance your self-esteem. Oh sure, it will give you the instant acceptance you crave – but the consequences are horrendous. I know you probably can’t hear me on this, as the aloneness, rejection and pain of being an outsider feels too severe for you to manage. This is especially true if you do not have solid family bricks to support you.
Becoming successful at something seems to work. People notice you, give you the recognition you crave. And I don’t mean being the girl who gives the best blowjob or the guy who can get the best dope in town!
Find something constructive, something that makes you feel good about yourself. Build bricks while you are at school – be curious about life, watch the progress of people you aspire to be, find a role model and observe him/her, explore yourself and dream a lot.
Religious and cultural bricks
Most people are born into a religion and a culture; it just comes with the territory. There are so many religions, like Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, etc. and there is variety in each one.
Let your religious beliefs become a positive place of belonging and acceptance for yourself, while tolerating the differences of others.
In South Africa cultures abound. Furthermore, eleven official languages with their own derivatives make South Africa a country of many diverse and fascinating bricks. What an incredible opportunity for a young person living in this country to learn about differences in people and lifestyles. Unfortunately this very diversity lends itself to us also learning about and experiencing prejudice, wrong judgements and intolerance – not great building bricks to self-esteem. If you are in a school, neighbourhood or community in which you and your family are the minority, you may indeed experience violence and discrimination. Feeling different in your own space can be harmful. However, it also allows you the opportunity of growing stronger, and full of conviction of who you are, thus building a really strong sense of self-esteem and confidence.
Religious and cultural identity becomes a brick that can add positively to your self-esteem, because it places you in a group. Each family practises its religious and cultural beliefs differently. Some families are dogmatic and very fundamental, which may mean that you are sent to a religious school and seldom have contact with people of other cultures and religions. Other families enact their traditional beliefs in a casual way. As a young person you may embrace your culture and religious beliefs without question, but remember: teenagers experiment, explore and get excited. You may suddenly really love the idea of becoming Muslim, devastating your Christian family. Or you fall in love with someone of a different faith or culture. Now there’s a stretch for the whole family!
Make your religious and cultural bricks work for you. Learn enough about it to withstand teasing, mocking, and even violence. If you have a low self-esteem, building a strong brick here will be useful to you. I do not specifically mean becoming religious, I mean establishing your own unique identity. Whatever your do – embracing your present traditional beliefs or creating a new one – let it become a positive place of belonging and acceptance for yourself, while tolerating the differences of others, even those of your family.
Money bricks
Money brings you pride if you have earned it legally. Money brings you trouble if you have earned it illegally. Money buys you security. Money rules.
Money makes the world go round. Let’s not beat about the bush: Money buys you “things” – clothes, cellphones, cars, whatever. Money buys you status. You walk taller, you have confidence, people notice you and you get attention. You may get the girls! Money gives you power – power to control situations, even sexual situations. It’s really hard to say no to a guy who is paying your school fees, buying you nice bling-bling and giving you rides in a car (this person may even be your father). Money brings you pride if you have earned it legally. Money brings you trouble if you have earned it illegally. Money buys you security. Money rules.
Because of the importance and position of money in our lives we need to have a large amount of respect for it. Money, like sexuality, carries an enormous responsibility.
But also remember that people who believe money is the only thing that brings them happiness are usually very unhappy even when they have the money. There are few things so ugly as seeing someone paying off his guilt with money or attempting to use money to buy your favours. Just like the secret to being a good lover lies in you having a positive attitude and confidence, so too does being good with money require a good attitude and confidence, not arrogance. Such a turnoff!
In the 1970s a women’s revolution took place around the world. Women demanded their right to equality. They joined the workforce and wanted equal pay for equal work. No longer were women content to stay at home or do menial jobs like being cleaners, servers or nannies to other people’s children. Since then there has been a substantial improvement in women’s rights. However, women are still not equal to men in the workplace. Very few women earn the same amount of money for the same work as men.
This leaves women financially disempowered, because they need men for money, or for the extras. Certainly a bad place for any girl to be in: you are so vulnerable to abuse and you always feel subservient to men. Women need to have the opportunity to have it so that they can say no to sexual situations they do not want, without fear of losing their homes, cars, gifts, or security. Women with their own money can say: no glove, no love. They will not be tempted or seduced that easily, because they know they can buy their own “things” and look after themselves. When women are better economically empowered, I reckon relationships will work much better; women and men will have more sexual satisfaction and the incidence of HIV/Aids/STIs will drop.
Dr Eve says:
All young women should have their own bank accounts which they regularly fill up with money they have earned for themselves in an honest and proud manner.
Your image
Imagine walking into a party, a jol, a club. You assess the scene. Your eyes scan the room and automatically your gaze lingers a little longer on people you find attractive. “Attractive” to you could be the girl in the short skirt with her shoulders exposed; it could be the one in jeans and a white shirt. “Attractive” could be the guy in the tight pants and T-shirt or the guy in the shorts and shirt. “Attractive” is so personal. Yet there are certain commonalities in what people consider attractive. Top of the list is body shape – girls have to be thin and perfectly curved and guys have to have a six-pack or “Levi lines”.
The majority of people are not naturally this perfect. A combination of genes, personal hormones, lifestyle factors, emotional wellness and physical health determine the shape of one’s body.
As you are discovering, going through puberty into adolescence brings constant body shape changes. There are times that you will feel distinctly unattractive. However, the pressure to look “attractive” is unrelenting. You are reminded at every moment in every magazine, television show, music video and movie that being attractive
