attachment style has two subtypes. One is demonstrated by a child who is anxious or “clingy.” This child fears the parent may disappear at any moment. This child displays considerable distress when separated from parents, although she often isn’t comforted when the parent returns. In fact, the returning caregiver may be met with anger and a rejection of efforts to reconnect with the adoptee. The focus of this child is on the parent. She wants to dominate the parent’s time and attention. Parents of ambivalently attached children may arrive at therapy saying:
“I can barely go to the bathroom. She is at the door wondering if I am in there!”
“We try to go out with friends and he acts so ‘bad’ the babysitter or our other kids call. We have to return home.”
“She follows me throughout the house. If I turn around, I practically run into her.”
“She can’t sleep in her own bed at night. She has to get in bed with us, or we find her on the floor next to our bed.”
“He won’t go to sleep until my husband, who works second shift, gets home from work. He has to know we are both in the house before he will go to bed.”
“She can’t go to a sleepover.”
“She has to be with us at church. She won’t stay in the Sunday school class.”
“She interrupts when any of my other children try to talk with me.”
“If I am trying to help one of the other kids, he’ll create such a disturbance that I have to tend to him.”
A second type of ambivalent attachment is seen in the child who appears to “push” and “pull”—“I want you.” “I don’t want you.” These children had birth parents or caregivers who exhibited inconsistency in responding to his needs: sometimes they were unavailable or unresponsive; at other times they were intrusive. The caregiver misread the child’s signals. Thus, internally, this youngster is uncertain as to his own needs and emotional state. This is a child who may not soothe easily, even when Mom or Dad is providing exactly what is necessary to aid in calming him. A parent of this type of ambivalently attached child may state:
“She asks for help with her homework, and when I come to help her she tells me I am doing it wrong: ‘That isn’t what the teacher said.’”
“When I have bananas, he doesn’t want one. If I don’t have a banana, look out, there will be a huge fit.”
“Getting dressed for school is so difficult. We pick out an outfit and a few minutes later it isn’t right. He is screaming and shouting that he can’t possibly wear the red shirt! It is so hard to help my son and daughter get ready for school with all of his chaos.”
“She asks for a hug and when I give it to her, she pinches me or hugs so tight I have to ask her to let go because she is hurting me.”
“We have a great time making brownies, and then she won’t eat any with us.”
Disorganized attachment
Disorganized attachment is a mix of the attachment styles discussed above. These boys and girls lacked the ability to be soothed by their birth parents because these early caregivers were a source of fear or abuse. These children must cope with the loss of their birth parents on top of resolving the terrifying events that most likely led to the separation from the birth parents. Children with disorganized attachment have been found to be the most difficult later in life, with emotional, social, and cognitive impairments (Siegel 2001).
These parents report many of the themes as pointed out in the ambivalent and avoidant attachment descriptions. Yet these parents also report, “He can do something that just incenses me or his brother. There is a big fight. Then, five minutes later, he asks me what we are having for dinner. It’s like nothing happened! He can’t figure out why we are still angry!” Or: “When once of us is infuriated with him, he smiles. We all struggle to control ourselves!” Many abused children utilized smiling or hugging the past perpetrator as a defense against further abuse. They thought, “If my abuser is happy with me, maybe he won’t hit me today.” When triggered, this coping mechanism appears again in the adoptive family. These styles of attachment defy and defeat an overarching family goal—fun, happy family interactions, and close, loving family connections.
Separation from siblings further complicates attachment
Don, Betty, and Mary were removed from their birth parents early one morning. By evening, each was placed in a separate foster home. In one day they lost the only parents they had ever known as well as each other. Can you imagine losing your entire family in one day?
Sergei came to America at the age of nine. During his years in Russia, he moved through three orphanages. His older brothers continue to reside in institutional care in Russia.
Luis resided in an orphanage in Mexico for almost six years. He developed a close tie to another boy who was in the orphanage. He refers to this boy as his brother to this day. Luis has ongoing guilt regarding the fact that he now has a rich life full of food, toys, and family members while this brother remains in residence in grim conditions. Luis has a profound sense of sadness over the loss of this brother.
Pam resided with her three brothers in their birth home, and then the four siblings resided in a foster home for several years. Unfortunately, the foster mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. She decided not to proceed with her plans to adopt the children. The news of her medical condition and the need to move to a new home caused the children’s mental health to deteriorate. The end result was that all four children were placed separately. Pam, now age 11, has come to terms with the loss of her birth parents. She was able to process their acts of neglect, abuse, and abandonment and conclude that she is “better off” being adopted. However, the loss of her siblings is an ongoing struggle. She continues to create fantasies of the four children reuniting and living together again. This is not possible as two of her brothers were adopted, while the other aged out of foster care. This brother’s whereabouts are unknown.
The stories above are included to demonstrate the types of scenarios that lead to sibling separation in countries across the continents. Kids separated from brothers and sisters aren’t always easily able to accept their new siblings. For example, Pam resides in an adoptive family in which she has two brothers and three sisters. She has been reluctant to form any type of relationship with any of these children. In fact, she regularly plays by herself. She resents the fact that these children have had the opportunity to grow up together. She wants to know, “Why didn’t I get to grow up with my brothers and sisters? They get to.”
Further, Pam and the other children above—international and domestic—are frequently convinced that as they mature, they will be reunited with the brothers and sisters from whom they were split. Kids with this type of reunification fantasy see no reason to make connections with the resident children in their adoptive homes. “I don’t want ‘new’ brothers and sisters. I want my ‘old’ family back.”
Luis’s and Sergei’s cases alert us to an issue that plagues international adoptees. Children who reside together develop ties to each other. They think about the children left behind at the orphanage. They have difficulty comprehending that they can be happy while these children—birth or perceived brothers and sisters—reside in conditions far less plentiful than what their adoptive family has to offer. Such survivor guilt is difficult for these adoptees to overcome. It impedes integration into the new family system.
Emotional development
This realm of development
