emotional, physical, and neurological—becomes possible. In essence, our attachment to a nurturing caregiver sets in motion all facets of our human development.
Attachment, in family life, is also the blueprint for all subsequent close relationships. Attachment is a relationship (Gray 2012). If you have parented (or cared for) an infant, stop for a moment and think about the hours you spent holding, stroking, touching, rocking, caressing, kissing, and hugging the baby. As your child grew, touching and holding continued—hugs and kisses before getting on the school bus or while bandaging a cut knee, snuggling while watching television or reading books, pats on the back for accomplishments, stroking hair as a gesture of affection, and lots of kisses and caresses just out of love.
As a result of consistent and predictable parental nurture and support—the cycle of needs—this child develops a secure attachment. The child trusts his parents to meet his needs: “My parents are always there for me.” He feels good about himself: “I am worthwhile.” He seeks out his parents when he needs help or comfort: “I can rely on my parents.” He has absorbed the skills to navigate life. He can develop solutions, handle stress, regulate emotions, follow directions, complete tasks, and the list goes on.
He demonstrates empathy and remorse: “I have hurt Mom’s feelings. I need to make this right.” He strives to have fun. He explores his environment. He seeks parental praise for a job well done: “I want to please my parents.” He enjoys intimacy. He seeks out companionship: “I want to be around others.” He can do all of these things within relationships with parents, his brothers and sisters, peers, teachers, coaches, neighbors, and so on. His blueprint is “I am safe within relationships.” He applies his secure model of attachment to all human interactions.
Figure 2.1 Cycle of needs
In adulthood, this secure attachment will allow him to continue to have close interpersonal relationships. He will feel love and give love. He will understand that his past—emotional baggage—will not interfere with his capacity to interact in his marriage, with his children, in his career, and so on.
Inopportunely, many adoptees arrive in the family having been deprived of enormous amounts of emotional and physical nurturing in the months or years prior to their adoption. Or their sense of touch, love, and affection may have become skewed because abuse has taught them that affection is sexual or that being beaten is the way touch is administered from a parent to a child. Their style of attachment and their ability to navigate relationships reflect their traumatic experiences and is insecure. Of course, parents want their son, daughter, and sibling-to-be to have the capacity to give and receive affection and to know that their mom, dad, brother, and sister are reliable. Yet adoptive family members need to understand that there might not be “love (attachment) at first sight!”
Attachment is a process that takes Mother Nature 18–36 months to complete! In that time period, the healthy parent works at forming that attachment—feedings at 3 a.m. are work—albeit pleasurable work! The child with a history of complex trauma may not simply move into the home and form an attachment. Trauma has distorted the blueprint! In some instances, the relational template was fractured hours or days after the abandonment, or even pre-natally by drug and/or alcohol exposure. We aren’t just talking about the older arrivals. Even infants can enter a family with attachment interruptions. Therefore, forming an attachment to your adopted son or daughter, and between your resident sons and daughters, may take work—a lot of it!
Clay was adopted from India at age two and a half. He entered his adoptive home with a view of adults as uncaring because of his pre-adoptive abandonment and institutional deprivation. He felt as if there was something wrong with him and that this inherent defect caused the lack of nurture he received in the orphanage. He also thought this had led his birth mother to abandon him. So he sought to make himself unlovable to his new family. He refused to shower. He hoarded food that would spoil in his bedroom. Foul odors would permeate the home. He would often wear the same clothes day after day. He spent long periods of time in his room away from the family. He refused to participate in family fun such as watching movies or playing cards.
Clay’s parents sought years of professional services to help Clay form meaningful relationships with them and their younger birth son. Finally, when he was age 13, a successful course of therapy was implemented. Today, Clay seeks interaction with the family. His sense of self has improved significantly. He no longer keeps bologna under his bed and he bathes daily! Board games are becoming a weekly event for Clay and his little brother.
This example illustrates that attachment difficulties impact each member of the family. Clay’s parents were sad that he could not enjoy being with the family. They lamented the child they had hoped for when they traveled to India. There was anger as well for the negative behaviors that daily affected the running of the family. He was unable to reciprocate affection. He cringed each time he was hugged by his mother, father, or brother. Overall, he paid very little attention to his younger brother, who desperately wanted Clay to play with him. Clay and his family lived under these circumstances for approximately ten years before finding an effective treatment. In essence, they worked for ten years to develop a relationship with their son and between their sons!
Insecure styles of attachment
Four main styles of insecure attachment develop when a caregiver and an infant don’t attune well. Newcomers arriving with a pattern of insecure attachment will adversely impact parents and the children already present in the family at the time of the adoption.
“Adopting a sibling into the family can be fun but also can be stressful. When you first meet your new brother or sister, you will probably feel very happy and good about helping a little child out. But, as they grow up and possibly turn out having attachment issues like my sister, it can get hard. I started feeling as if my life was never going to get back to normal again. It made me want to get rid of my new sister.”
Avoidant attachment
This child’s model of relationships is that parents or others are not all that useful in meeting needs. So there is no point in seeking assistance. Connecting is limited; this adoptee refrains from engaging in meaningful interactions. There is little willingness to explore the environment or to play. The desire—early in life—to have an emotional connection was so frustrating that this child learned to tune out in order to survive the rejecting, neglecting relationship. Family members of children with avoidant attachment commonly report:
“He never asks for any help.”
“He takes what he wants without asking.”
“He stares when he wants something. He won’t ask.”
“He never asks politely. It is always a demand. ‘I’m thirsty.’”
“He is always bored. He can never think of anything to do.”
“She doesn’t play.”
“We came home from our birth son’s band concert. He didn’t even act like he noticed we had been gone.”
“He can be alone in his room so long that we forget he is there.”
“As soon as someone starts talking, she glazes over.”
“He’s always where the family isn’t. If we’re watching a movie, he’s in his room. If we’re in the front yard cleaning up, he’s behind the house.”
“She wanders off when we are shopping
