expected a sister who would enjoy dressing up, painting her nails, and having her hair styled. These were all things she enjoyed with her birth sisters. Maggie would have none of this. Maggie preferred toy trains and cars. She liked noisy toys that she could move around the house. Donna and her sisters were quite compliant children. They wanted to please their parents. Maggie, on the other hand, wanted to do things her way. Donna couldn’t comprehend this type of disobedience. Daily conflict erupted due to Maggie’s insolence. Donna wrote the following:
“I found it increasingly hard as the years went on to bond with Maggie. I felt most of my family’s arguments and problems were her fault. I resented her a lot for the problems that began to arise in my family, especially the constant arguments. It became really hard for me to be nice to her and even to think about getting close to her. I was mean to her. I yelled at her for not doing anything. I hated to be in the same room with her. I blamed everything on her.
“I have had to work hard to overcome my feelings of resentment towards her. I no longer get irritated by her as much or as quick. I try to do fun things with her that I know she will like and that will be fun for her. When I look back at how mean I used to be to her, I feel terrible about it. I never want to act that way towards her again. It made me sad to think how much I could have been hurting her feelings and her views about herself. I now know she isn’t the whole reason my family gets into arguments. I am able to handle being around her and playing with her without getting frustrated, angry, or annoyed by her. I was able to become closer to her and know she was going to be my sister forever if I liked it or not. I would have to make it work without hurting her or myself.”
Donna’s poignant account helps us understand the personal struggle that she underwent in order to attain a level of “fit” with her sister. Maggie did not live up to Donna’s expectations or experience of a sister. Maggie entered the family with her own unique interests, abilities, temperament, strengths, weaknesses, values, and attributes. Initially, Donna focused on all of the things Maggie didn’t have. Ultimately, Donna realized that there were some areas the two could share. She went about connecting—“fitting”—with Maggie in those areas. At present, Donna and Maggie can sometimes be found laughing together!
“I knew it was a mistake. I mean you have to figure we already had kids. We had two girls and two boys. We didn’t need another person and we didn’t have room for another person. You’re dealing with a person whose ways are different. You’re dealing with a teenager who’s basically set in their ways. They have different values to you and your family. So you’re trying to put them in a new system and they’re used to doing what they want to do. I didn’t expect anything. I just didn’t want him to come. I didn’t care if he was going to be difficult or great. I had a brother and two sisters. What else do you need?”
Many adoptive families will have to follow Donna’s lead. Experiences, expectations, desires, and wishes will have to be tailored to “fit” with the unique characteristics of the adoptee. This will be a process for each member of the adoptive family—parents, the children already in the family, and the child about to move into the family.
Shared history
Almost all of us have had the experience of being the “new person.” For example, when you started your job, how long did it take to get to know your co-workers, the workplace dynamics, the formal and informal rules, where supplies were located, and so on? Learning all of this and assimilating into the workplace probably took time. Learning about a family and incorporating into a family will most likely take longer. The formation of relationships between parents, brothers, and sisters will occur gradually for the new arrival and over a long period of time—perhaps years.
Psychological fit is further complicated as the toddler or older adopted child is someone who is not initially a “true” sibling. He is placed into the sibling role but does not know the rules by which the other children (whether born into the family or adopted into it years before) have grown up (Ward and Lewko 1988). For that matter, he also does not know the family history, the likes and dislikes of family members, the inside jokes, the holiday traditions, birthdays, and so forth.
Parents and professionals alike must curb their expectations and their internal calendars for when change is expected. Having high expectations that must be achieved within a certain period of time and attempting to assimilate the child into the family within that time period may only lead to disappointment for all involved.
Parental and professional contributions to kids’ expectations
“I am supposed to have a positive attitude about my new sibling”
Parents and professionals often unknowingly contribute to the resident children’s expectations. One common method of preparing brothers and sisters for the arrival of an adopted sibling is to emphasize that the child is unfortunate and needs parents and a permanent home. Brothers- and sisters-to-be are admonished to make the adoptee feel at home and to help atone for the past deprivations experienced by the newcomer (Poland and Groze 1993; Ward and Lewko 1988).
Such post-adoption sentiments continue when parents encourage the resident children, “Put yourself in his place—he hasn’t had what you have had,” “We need to be more understanding,” “We need to be more sensitive to how she feels.” Such statements cause birth and/or previously adopted children to believe that they must maintain a positive attitude about the adoptive child and thus the experience overall. The typically developing children often believe a positive attitude is expected of them. Therefore, resident children keep questions and concerns to themselves.
Expectations and reality often clash
Subsequent content will demonstrate that children arriving from institutional care and/or after abuse, neglect, and abandonment are not always capable of being good playmates, nor do they always readily accept help with their homework. They may have a preference for attempting to manage their own needs rather than seeking assistance from a parent or sibling. Their traumatic pre-placement experiences have left them with fragmented development and as such their actual skills are in discord with their chronological ages.
The following statements made by typically developing children, ages six to 15, will offer an indication of what may happen when expectations do not match with reality. These sentiments were expressed in interviews I conducted with resident children several years after an adoption had taken place in their family.
“I expected children who were like my sister and me. I thought I could teach them the fun things I did when I was younger, like dolls, sidewalk chalk, and sewing. At first, there was a nice period. And then they basically started terrorizing the house—running around, breaking things, fighting. So it turned into a mess. I expected a lot different from what we got.”
“Well, I wasn’t really prepared for the big change. I had two sisters and a brother before he came. We got along and played a lot. I thought he would be the same. I didn’t think that he would be the way that he was. I thought he was going to be like us, more civilized.”
“I wanted a sister who would like to play games and use her imagination with me. I thought it would be pretty fun having her here. Her behavior has not been very good. We have to do a lot more work helping her than we used to. My dad has more gray hair now. Our house isn’t as much fun because she takes up most of our time. It kinda upsets me. I thought we were going to get a baby. It does make me happy that I can see what she does that’s wrong so I can keep from doing that myself.”
“He was staying with one of our friends. I met him for like two minutes at a fair. I figured it wouldn’t matter; just someone to hang around the house and play with and stuff. I was wrong. I am eight months older and I expected to just have another brother to hang out with. He’s a pain. He isn’t as bad as he
