“I get really mad at my brother. I also feel like I can’t go anywhere without him right behind me breaking something of mine or making fun of me, copying me, or touching something of mine that he shouldn’t be touching.”
Welcoming a New Brother or Sister Through Adoption responds to these questions and issues in an honest and forthright manner—and with a lot of optimism! The content, stories, and the writings of the resident children themselves feature within “Sibling Talk” boxes, sprinkled throughout the chapters, which highlight the “common challenges” that the adoption-built family faces as it works to weave the needs of a child with complex trauma into its fabric, accompanied by abundant solutions!
When helped, brothers and sisters do shift their perspective, as is exemplified by this young man who moved from “stuck in feelings” to “love and happiness” for his brother-by-adoption:
“Since we adopted my brother, seven years ago, my household has not had many peaceful moments. I’ve lost a lot of parental attention. This makes me jealous and angry. For a while, I had to share a room with my new brother and I lost a sense of privacy and space in the process. I was angry that I couldn’t have my own room. I also had to lock a lot more things up after my brother started stealing from me. I lost a lot of material possessions. I didn’t get as much as I used to and the things that I did have were often broken by my sibling. This angered me once again because some of the things had sentimental value to me. I definitely lost a peaceful household and fun activities.
“Eventually, my parents and I started to talk a lot about the situation. I learned to ignore the things that my sibling was doing. I do have to admit that sometimes I still do explode and my parents have to remind me that my sibling does things to push me away because he is scared of being loved.
“To tell the truth, in the beginning, I was mad, sad, jealous, and embarrassed. I learned (and am still learning) that feeling and being ‘stuck’ in those feelings doesn’t do any good for you. And now my feelings have now changed to love and happiness toward my brother. I don’t know what I would do if he wasn’t in my life.”
The more education this young man received, the better able he was to cope and to navigate positive relationships with his sibling. It is so unfortunate that this took seven years! Certainly, an intended goal of this book is to reduce the amount of time family members spend engaged in an unhealthy emotional climate.
How is the book structured?
The book is organized from pre- to post-placement. Chapter 1 describes the types of expectations that brothers and sisters develop when they learn their family is adopting; Chapter 2 offers an overview of complex trauma; Chapter 3 suggests ways for mothers and fathers to conduct pre-placement preparation with their sons and daughters. Chapter 4 is for moms and dads. There are parental qualities that contribute to enhanced success when combining typical and traumatized children, tweens and teens, so this chapter is for parents who want to hone and expand their strengths.
Finally, the child moves in and Chapter 5 is there to guide international or domestic families with this part of their journey. Chapter 5 discusses the pros and cons of traveling—with the children already in the family—to the newcomer’s homeland. This chapter is rich with ways to transition the new son and daughter sensitively and by including the brothers and sisters. This phase of the adoption process is really the time to plant the seeds that eventually grow post-placement attachments.
Next, Chapter 6 covers the “common challenges” that arrive with the son or daughter with complex trauma. “Common” means that these issues emerge with frequency in the family that expands by adoption. Most families will learn to cope with these daily dilemmas. Yet Chapter 7 is offered for those parents who feel the challenges are too great for their particular family composition. Chapters 8 to 13 are packed with solutions, solutions and more solutions! Hope and healing—for each member of the family—abound in these pages! We end on a positive note in Chapter 14.
The full details of any books, websites, movies, or useful organizations mentioned in the pages of this book will be found in the “Resources” section at the end of the book.
As a prelude, a healthy sibling offers us her sentiments:
“There are so many positive aspects of adoption! Yeah, it’s scary as hell to bring a total stranger into your home who may not want to be there, but the positive aspects outnumber the negative aspects so greatly. I enjoy playing with, talking to, and teaching my younger brother a lot of things. Even though the siblings act like they don’t love me, they do. Also, adopting forces you to look deeper into people and to have a better understanding of why people act the way they do. The greatest of all, though, is that I know that I partook in giving two children a home.”
Brothers and sisters—from diverse backgrounds—can learn to navigate relationships when joined by adoption!
1
“I’m Getting a Brother or Sister!”
Kids Develop Expectations Pre-Adoption
Parents come to the adoption process along many avenues. Some are moved by the stark images of orphans across the globe. Others intersect with a child along their career path—a teacher or coach learns that a student or team member needs a “forever” family. Perhaps a foster child or a relative’s child unexpectedly becomes available for adoption. A single adult comes to adoption out of a desire to become a parent. No matter the route the parents take to make a decision to adopt, brothers- and sisters-to-be develop a set of expectations about the sibling who is to come and join their family. This chapter will provide an overview of the expectations of the kids residing in the family prior to the arrival of the adoptee. We’ll look at parental and professional contributions to these expectations as well.
It is important to note that brothers, sisters, and parents present pre-adoption with expectations that are ideal and optimistic. Certainly, these attitudes, feelings, and beliefs are wonderful for the newly arrived son or daughter to experience. Frequently, children available for adoption haven’t always been welcomed so wholeheartedly into a family or haven’t had the opportunity to live with a family at all. Yet forming realistic expectations increases the family’s ability to accept the new family member with all of his needs and to integrate him into the existing family system.
Kids’ expectations include…
“I will have a playmate!”
When asked, many children state, “A new brother or sister will be so much fun!” In fact, this is the most prominent expectation with which the appropriately developing children approach the pending adoption. They perceive that they are getting a playmate with whom they will ride a bike, toss a football, share their dolls, play dress up, or totally defeat at video games.
“I was excited and even ecstatic. I had bothered my parents all my life to adopt again. I was adopted as a baby. I was an only child and very lonely. When I heard that my parents were adopting, I thought I was finally going to have play partners. Siblings will be fun and we could help kids have a better life at the same time.”
“I thought having a brother would be a lot of fun. I thought my brother would be so much fun to play with. Since we adopted my brother, it has been really noisy at our house. Whenever he gets mad, he will scream and cry. Also, when he doesn’t get something he wants, he will scream and scream!”
“I will have someone to teach!”
Some believe that they will get a younger brother or sister who will seek out and benefit from their help with homework or who will be open to absorbing their knowledge. “I
