him everything about music!”
“Great! I’ll have help with chores!”
Other children may be excited by the prospect of a sibling who will share in the chores. “We can take turns loading the dishwasher!”
Such expectations make sense, especially if there is a healthy sibling relationship in the family prior to the arrival of a brother or sister by adoption. Simply put, siblings are socialization agents. The sibling relationship provides a context for social development. Through ongoing, long-term interactions, siblings teach each other how to play and how to make and keep friends.
As they become tweens and teens, brothers and sisters share advice about clothing, hair, dating, driving, and everything else that comes along with growing up. They help each other and teach each other. Brother–sister relationships provide opportunities for the expression of feelings, sometimes intense feelings like those that go along with sibling rivalry! They are there for each other to share the excitement of a first date or the devastation of the subsequent break-up. They learn the art of competition, the fun of board games, or touch football in the back yard. Then they cheer each other on at sporting events. They offer a support system that continues through adulthood (Powell and Gallagher 1993).
Given that the birth- and/or previously adopted children are routinely excluded from pre-adoptive education efforts—which would challenge their expectations—it makes even more sense that siblings-to-be enter the adoptive process from a positive perspective.
Parent’s expectations include…
“I want my children to have more siblings”
Erick and Marianne adopted Peter as a toddler. They were concerned that Peter would be alone at some point in his life. They felt adoption offered him the opportunity to have “company” now and later. When Peter was age nine, they adopted Mark and Mike, ages ten and six respectively.
“Prior to the adoption, I was not so keen on the thought of bringing another child or children, in my case, into an already settled home environment. I was 16 years old. Of course, I knew that since I had gone my entire life without having siblings it would take some getting used to. My parents had looked at many children and we were under the impression that they would adjust well to our home. We were so naive. We expected them not to have problems and not to have been abused. We expected that these were basically normal healthy children.”
The decision by parents to have more than one child is sometimes a desire to offset loneliness in the first-born or adopted, a hope to create opportunities for healthy competition, and a wish to provide their children with the “gift” of a ready-made playmate or companion. Mothers and fathers often envision that their children will magically become close, affectionate, and mutually responsive and may even remain lifelong friends—a parental legacy expressed in the phrase “After we’re gone, you’ll always have each other” (Bank and Kahn 1997).
Sibling relationships are important
The above expectation is quite understandable because the brother and sister relationship is taking on greater importance in light of changes in family structure:
• The average number of siblings is currently one.
• The sibling relationship is our longest relationship. Longer lifespan means that we may become dependent on our siblings, rather than our partners, throughout the course of our lives.
• An increase in divorce and geographic mobility may cause us, young and old alike, to cling tightly to the constancy and permanency a brother or sister can provide.
• The absence of parents due to stress, employment obligations, and divorce invites brothers and sisters to band together as a mutual support system (Goetting 1986).
These facts make clear that positive sibling relationships are of great value. It is no surprise, then, that parents expect and want to create intimate bonds between their resident children and the sibling they add by adopting.
The expectation of close sibling ties is created by other factors as well. These factors are explored on the following pages. It should be noted that the content of this book focuses on sibling relationships from birth through late adolescence—the time in which siblings are growing up together.
Expectations inherent in developmental tasks
Siblings have three primary developmental tasks in childhood and adolescence. First, and most important, siblings provide companionship, friendship, comfort, and affection for one another. Siblings are social agents.
Second, brothers and sisters are a primary means of child care. It is probably true that single-parent families, families in which both parents work, large families, and families overwhelmed by a child with a disability are more likely to delegate care-taking responsibilities to their sons and daughters.
Lastly, siblings benefit each other by managing relationships in various ways between parents and siblings. A child can protect a brother or sister from a confrontation with the parent by distracting Mom or Dad from the potentially explosive situation. Brothers and sisters can join forces with one another against the parent to strengthen resources for negotiation (Goetting 1986). For example:
“If you bought us all bikes, you could save a lot of driving time and gas!”
As a second example:
Melanie, age seven, was under the care of her 16-year-old sibling, Carol, for the summer. Melanie, adopted at age two from Belarus, has a limited sense of danger and lacks comprehension of the consequences of her actions. While Carol was babysitting, several of her friends stopped by. A television commercial regarding drugs caused the older children to make what they thought were some humorous comments about drug addicts. Melanie’s interpretation of their remarks was “I would be cool and likeable if I took drugs.” And, indeed she did. She swallowed almost a whole bottle of a prescription medication. Melanie’s vital signs stabilized with the assistance of a 911 team. Carol explained to her very upset parents that Melanie’s behavior was the result of the conversation with her friends. Carol intervened on Melanie’s behalf and quite nicely diffused the situation. Melanie’s parents were able to calmly discuss this situation with each other and Melanie. Since this incident, Carol’s friends no longer stop by while she cares for Melanie. All medications have been placed in locked containers. Melanie’s grandmother visits more frequently while Melanie’s parents are at work.
Expectations abound within these developmental tasks. Visions of siblings playing games, ganging up on Mom and Dad to obtain privileges, and assisting with household responsibilities are the types of experiences families want to facilitate, as well as experience for themselves. Carol and Melanie help us understand that blending children—typically developing and traumatized—may or may not play out as dreamed about pre-adoption. Chapter 2 will expand on the types of difficulties the child with a history of trauma may bring to the adoptive family.
“I would tell other kids not to assume anything. That’s what I did, and it was totally the opposite.”
Expectations derived from roles
Who were you in the family? Were you the “peacemaker”? Were you the “responsible one”? The sibling relationship can be a major determinant of both identity formation and self-esteem (Cicirelli 1995). Think about the following questions as you read this segment:
• What are my expectations of sibling relationships?
•
