now others will reap that same benefit.
Pat Johnston—you initiated my first book on this topic, Brothers and Sisters in Adoption, after attending a workshop I conducted. This work allows all children in adoptive families a voice that might otherwise have gone unheard. So, thank you for the nudge I needed to speak on behalf of the brothers and sisters in adoption. You are now retired, but I also want to thank you for your long-standing commitment to the field of adoption. I entered the field of adoption almost 17 years ago, and feel I “grew up” as a professional as a result of many Perspective Press books you published.
Stephen Jones and Jessica Kingsley Publishers—you came along just when I needed a new publisher. Thank goodness! The opportunity to write this new book is indeed a gift to the parents and children that will benefit from its content.
Greg Keck and Tom Collins—my mentors—thank you for the knowledge, patience, guidance, and opportunities you have offered me over the past 17 years. You gave me my professional foundation. This work is built from that secure base. It reflects you, and, as you look at it, I hope you are pleased with your images.
My human foundation came from my mother and family members. Because of my family, I am able to achieve, thrive, and enjoy life. You gave me the gift of a healthy beginning that, in turn, has given me a present and future filled with endless possibilities.
Certainly, I have also been influenced by the work of a significant number of other professionals, foremost among whom are Barbara Holtan, Daniel Hughes, and Regina Kupecky. Thank you for helping me along my journey through adoption.
Anne-Marie—you are the sister extraordinaire and the most remarkable personal assistant! Thank you so much for taking care of so many things so that I could work on this one book!
Nancy G.—no matter where I live or what endeavor I take on, you are always there to help me. Thank you for being a friend and colleague.
Introduction
Why was this book written?
Many families coming forward to adopt are already parenting children—children born to them and/or children they have adopted. Certainly, adding a child or children to the family carries visions of chuckles and fun! There are also images of one child teaching another to build with blocks, to utter words, to read, to play games, having a snowball fight, jumping on the trampoline in the back yard, riding bikes together, shooting hoops in the driveway, and so much more. Ample cuddles and kisses will be shared as well!
Yet the arrival of an adopted sibling can—unexpectedly—adversely alter the lives of these children already in the family as well as their parents’ lives. This is especially true if the adoptee enters the family with a history of trauma—abuse, neglect, abandonment, pre-natal drug and/or alcohol exposure, and so on—as have a large majority of waiting children, infants to adolescents, intercountry and domestic.
Trauma can have long-lasting deleterious effects that are inadequately represented by the phrase special needs, which is so commonly used to depict the children waiting for a place to call home. Complex trauma offers a more realistic portrait of the damaging imprints that traumatic experiences embed, in children, in their aftermath. Complex trauma better describes the potential for the newcomer, from orphanage or foster care, to arrive with issues that may not simply fade away with time and love.
Thus, Welcoming a New Brother or Sister Through Adoption is put forth as a guide. It is designed to help siblings flourish in spite of challenges that may arrive with the newcomer. It is intended as a plan to facilitate the types of close, connected relationships that mothers and fathers want for themselves and all of their children.
Which families will benefit from this book?
Much of this book is about integrating traumatized children into families whose composition already includes typically developing children. However, families that adopt and then give birth, adopt for a second time, or blend step-children into the family will benefit from the advice as well.
I’ve also written this book to help professionals, extended family, family friends—anyone who desires to help brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers, and adopted children pre- and post-placement—so they can find the information and tools to fulfill this aspiration.
The book concentrates on the growing-up years of children who are raised from infancy to the age of majority and who, whether by birth or adoption, are those children whose development is proceeding on track through predictable stages.
Socially, emotionally, cognitively, and physically, these children already in the family at the time of the adoption are thriving. They are able to learn, explore their environment, make and keep friends, express and accept affection, participate in extracurricular activities, and, overall, simply enjoy and happily absorb what life has to offer them. They are already residing in a family that adds a child who has complex trauma. Within the book, I refer to these children variously as “brothers and sisters,” “birth-” and/or “previously adopted children,” “resident children,” “typical children,” “age-appropriate children,” “healthy children,” “appropriately developing children,” or “children who are on track developmentally.” It is worth stressing that they may have been born to the family or they may have been adopted, as certainly there are many adoptees who enjoy appropriate development.
As there are many other excellent books written on understanding and meeting the needs of the adopted child, within this book I take as my primary focus the needs of appropriately developing children. However, the content also includes an introduction to the types of trauma that newcomers experience pre-arrival, and this book is full of parenting tips to better manage behavior, facilitate grief, talk with children about being adopted, and so on.
What does this book address?
Navigating relationships between sons and daughters who are growing well and those who are struggling is rewarding and yet presents various challenges. Frequently, parental time and family resources shift to caring for the “ailing” family member—the adoptee. The needs of the healthy brothers and sisters, as well as the parents, are often put on hold until the adoptee heals. Once in this pattern of focusing so much of the family’s resources on the child with a history of abuse, neglect, or abandonment, parents find it difficult to rectify the situation—to strike a balance and to meet the individual needs of all of their children.
Parents begin to question themselves, often asking:
“Did we make the right choice by adopting?”
“How is this affecting our typical children?”
“What can we do for our resident kids?”
“Will our adopted son or daughter heal?”
“Will our family ever be the same as it was before we adopted this child?”
The brothers and sisters might start saying things like:
“It’s annoying. When my new brother moved in, I didn’t think he was going to have any problems. When I figured out he did have problems, I just wished he had been born to my mom and dad. Then he would be okay. I don’t like it when we go somewhere and he starts acting bad and then Dad starts yelling.”
“Prior to the adoption, someone could have told me how attention-needing she was. Someone could have explained to me that having a little sister was not going to be all fun and games. The changes she brought to the family have affected me. I have had the loss of a peaceful household, the loss of parental time, and the loss of privacy.
