put a hand on her arm and spoke gently. ‘Do you think you might be using Jamie the way I used Mum – to shield you from Ben in case you get hurt?’
Eva opened her mouth to deny it and then closed it again. ‘I don’t know, maybe,’ she sighed. ‘Oh God he’s so great and I’ve totally blown it.’
‘You don’t know that,’ Sarah told her with a smile. ‘It sounds like you might have something special but you won’t know until you take that chance will you? And you deserve it, Eva.’
Eva just about managed to swallow down the lump that had formed in her throat.
‘So do you.’
They remained in thoughtful silence as they started to make their way towards Jamie who was waving them over to see something.
Eva could see life was changing for her sister and her mother, both hopefully on their way to finding happiness and love. And of course Eva wanted that too. She heard Sarah’s words in her head and deep down knew she was right. She was using Jamie as an excuse not to be with Ben when in actual fact if anything he was a reason for them to be together. The thought of Ben driving to London on his own suddenly filled her with regret and she hoped she hadn’t made a huge mistake. She prayed with all her heart it wasn’t too late for her.
‘Have a good day!’ Eva called after Jamie who was looking slightly subdued and bleary-eyed as he trudged over to his friends, ready to go to school. ‘Come on, Hamish,’ Eva sighed heading in the opposite direction to the beach. Jamie hadn’t looked too impressed when she’d woken him this morning, not that Eva could blame him. First day back at school in January wasn’t something most children would relish but at least she knew he’d had a good holiday.
Christmas had been spent in Edinburgh and Jamie and Eva had been introduced to George. Eva had taken to him immediately. A widower, he was friendly, relaxed, and at pains to show he wasn’t trying to bulldoze his way into their family. Fortunately for Hamish, he was also dog lover, which helped sway Helen into allowing Hamish into the house. Christmas at her mother’s house was never going to be a noisy, chaotic family affair but it was all reassuringly familiar. The decorations were stylish but sparse, the beautifully wrapped presents were handed out one by one, and the dinner was traditional but rather formal.
After their meal, Eva had made the coffee with Helen in the kitchen, agreeing a date to go tile shopping while Jamie played Monopoly with Sarah and George. Jamie’s holiday had been a whirl of activity, Eva taxiing him about to friends’ houses or trips to the cinema. She’d found herself with a free afternoon after depositing Jamie and some friends at a paintballing party. She’d driven to the shops intent on some rare retail therapy but ended up wandering aimlessly, the crowds only making her feel more alone.
New Year’s Eve had been spent at Heather’s, which definitely was a noisy and chaotic family affair. Eva had taken her phone out to the garden before midnight to speak to Sarah, raising a glass to her over the phone. She was flying to Holland the next afternoon to meet Jon and Eva had gulped back tears of happiness for her sister.
Eva had looked up to the sky to see if she could make out the constellation Ben had shown her but her tears were falling freely and she couldn’t see anything. Perhaps it was the unique perspective that New Year’s Eve can bring or maybe it was gazing at the night sky wondering if Ben was doing the same, but standing alone in the garden, something provided Eva with a clarity of thinking. She had wiped her eyes, topped up her glass, and rejoined the party knowing what she needed to do.
Eva unhooked Hamish’s lead when she reached the beach and watched as he went running off to explore the new scents of the day. She had discovered if she walked him until he was so exhausted he simply didn’t have the energy to misbehave. She knew it wasn’t exactly a proper training method but it seemed to be working and came with the added advantage of killing time.
They passed one other dog walker and in the distance Eva could see a runner but not many were braving the beach today. January always held a certain bleakness Eva thought and it was reflected perfectly in the weather today. Charcoal swirls of clouds scudded across the sky and the wind from the east was making it bitterly cold. Eva huddled deeper into her jacket. Small waves washed up on the shore and then trickled back into the sea and she laughed at Hamish with his little coat on, staying well away from the water. ‘Too cold for you, boy.’
The runner had closed the distance between them and it was Hamish who recognized him first, his tail whipping frantically from side to side as he raced towards Ben. Eva frowned, certain she hadn’t seen Ben’s car, and she was hardly likely to miss it given that she had been painfully aware of his empty driveway since he had left.
She carried on walking watching as Ben slowed his pace and stopped to greet Hamish who was squirming with delight. He was kitted out in dark layers for running and a hat pulled down over his ears. His dark gaze fixed on Eva as she approached and she could see his chest moving as he recovered his breathing. The sight of him made her own heart beat wildly and she could quite happily have thrown herself into his arms pretty much the way Hamish was doing now.
‘Hi, Eva. How have you been?’
There was a brief smile but uncertainty in his eyes. It was almost like seeing him for the first time again, only now she knew just how much she loved him and the stakes were much higher. She faltered – what if he felt differently now?
‘I’m fine, thanks.’
She’d imagined this conversation a hundred times over the past few days. In her head the words had flowed easily but now she felt clumsy, her mouth unable to form the words she needed to say. Instead she cast her eyes down, studying a pretty pink shell lying on the sand.
‘How was your Christmas?’ he asked, still sounding slightly out of breath from his run.
‘Good. Jamie had a great time anyway.’ She kept her attention on the shell, scuffing it with the toe of her boot before she looked up at him. ‘What about you – how was London?’ Eva wondered if that sounded as petulant to Ben as it did to her own ears and thought she saw the tiniest flicker of amusement in his eyes before he replied.
‘London was busy and noisy, just as I expected it to be. But I had a few things to do, saw a few old friends – I got back yesterday.’
‘I didn’t notice your car in the driveway,’ she remarked.
‘I sold it in London so I got a flight back.’ He shrugged. ‘It wasn’t really me. I thought I might look for something else.’
Eva nodded mutely just as a huge black cloud suddenly stole all the light and she felt a sudden chill.
‘I’d better call Hamish back.’ She tried to sound confident but knew there was every chance Hamish would have other ideas. True to form, Hamish totally ignored her and after a couple of failed attempts, Ben offered assistance.
‘Would you like me to have a go?’
Eva shrugged. ‘Sure.’
Ben placed two fingers in his mouth and gave an ear-splitting whistle. Hamish stopped in his tracks. ‘Here, boy!’
Eva watched in disbelief as Hamish trotted over, the very model of obedience, and looked up adoringly at Ben.
‘I
