feels right. You’re beautiful, caring, and strong – you make me happy. We haven’t known each other long but the time we’ve had together has meant more to me than I’ve ever known with anyone else. I’m so in love with you, Eva.’
Eva’s head was down and Ben couldn’t see her face and after a moment she slipped her hand out of his. She stood up and took a few steps away from him, creating a space between them. With her eyes still lowered to the floor she shook her head slightly.
‘I can’t do this – you and me. It’s too difficult,’ she said eventually.
Ben rose from the sofa and walked over to her. ‘Difficult how?’
‘I’m not saying I don’t have feelings for you because I do. What happened between us has been amazing – the night we had was amazing. But don’t you see? I put myself first and changed things. When Jamie went missing it was because I let my guard down.’
Ben frowned. ‘Bad things happen, Eva. You can’t control everything.’
She shook her head, a strand of hair falling from her clasp. ‘That moment I thought something terrible had happened, I was on my own. I’ve learnt to be self-reliant and I can’t change that now. Maybe I over-reacted when I didn’t know where Jamie was but that’s what you do when you’re alone. It’s down to me. Not anyone else.’
‘Eva, I can only imagine how hard it’s been for you on your own. But I think we have something special –’
‘Maybe we do, but I can’t take that risk. Do you know how frightened I was after Paul died? When I didn’t know where Jamie was I felt that fear again – I won’t put myself in that position again.’
‘How do you think Jamie would feel knowing you sacrificed your own happiness for him?’
She rounded on him, her eyes flashing with anger. ‘Don’t you dare bring him into this!’
Ben stepped back, holding his hands up in surrender. ‘I’m sorry – I would never tell you how to bring up your son.’ He ran a hand through his hair and when he spoke his voice was low and gentle. ‘You do an incredible job, Eva, and I respect that. I was only trying to make the point it’s impossible for you to protect him all the time. Life is full of risks but those risks are how he will learn and make him the man he will become. I’ll never be Jamie’s father but I can care. You and Jamie are a family and it would mean everything to me to be part of that family, Eva. Would you give us that chance – to be a family?’
Ben tensed, waiting for her to say something. She was looking at him and her eyes glistened with unshed tears. She took a breath as if composing herself and gave him a sad smile.
‘I’m sorry, Ben. I … I can’t commit to us. I need things to stay as they are.’ She lifted her hand and tenderly brushed his cheek and then turned and left. Ben stood, fists clenched by his sides, staring at the front door as if willing it to open and for Eva to walk back in.
As he turned, something caught his eye on the mantelpiece that he hadn’t noticed before. Beautifully mounted in a silver gilt frame was a photograph of Ben and his parents on the beach. It must have been taken the year before his dad died, their last family holiday. He hadn’t seen the photo for years but it had been one of the few things he had taken from his mother’s house. Eva must have found it in the box he had given her.
He stood motionless, staring at it. He could hardly bring himself to touch it and when he did, his hand was shaking. Knowing Eva had done this for him just made seeing her walk out a whole lot more difficult. Ben knew he had fallen deeply in love with Eva but hadn’t managed to find a way of telling her without frightening her.
He could see how hard she had worked to get the life she had and the last thing he wanted was to come and mess it up for her. He shook his head in frustration, not knowing how he could carry on living here and not be with her.
Eva sipped a glass of hot water and lemon, reminding herself it was supposed to be good for her. What had that article said? Rejuvenating, cleansing, healing. She definitely needed some of that. She tried not to think of her usual silky-smooth morning coffee. Things that tasted delicious weren’t necessarily good for you she thought savagely, enduring a few more sips before sloshing the rest down the sink. Next was a vitamin pill, anything to try to make her feel better.
Although not usually inclined to spend much time in front of a mirror, this morning Eva had studied her reflection and it hadn’t made for happy viewing. How had she managed to go from glowing to drab in such a short space of time? she wondered bleakly. Everything about her looked and felt dull. Her body felt as if it had gone into some sort of meltdown the past few days.
At night she was unable to sleep, her body restless and her mind racing. During the day she tried to keep busy, finding anything to keep herself occupied. Cupboards were sorted, drawers emptied, floors scrubbed but still she couldn’t banish thoughts of Ben from her mind. She knew she had made the right decision, so why then did it feel so bad?
She told herself it was all about looking forward. Making a few plans, focusing on other things – such as becoming pet-friendly. She’d been doing some reading and researching. The good news was that allowing dogs would certainly open up a new market and potentially generate more income. Families took their dogs on holiday and not many other guest houses in the area allowed pets so that would give her an advantage.
But there were plenty of issues to consider – she’d need to think about insurance, possible damage to property, and she’d have to provide food, bowls, and towels. And the house would have to be kept meticulously clean in case of dog hairs. She’d revisited the idea of opening in winter and had even found herself speculating exactly what Greg Ritchie’s ‘investment opportunities’ were.
In the hall she called up to Jamie as she wrapped a scarf around her neck. Maybe she could do more decorating, she thought, put an advert in the local paper. But they were all just ideas, thoughts going nowhere. Eva felt as if reality had shifted in some way and now she wasn’t sure what she wanted any more. Time and time again she reminded herself she’d managed just fine before Ben and she could do it again.
‘I’m ready, Mum.’ Jamie’s voice broke into her thoughts and she turned to him with a bright smile.
‘Good. I’ll just get Hamish sorted in his basket. We won’t be too long.’
It was the first day of the school Christmas holiday and having persuaded Jamie a visit to Edinburgh’s natural history museum would be useful for his project on ancient Egypt next term, Eva had arranged to meet Sarah and her mother in the museum café. Eva had talked with Sarah on the phone and exchanged a few texts, glad they were slowly returning to how they used to be.
Eva locked the front door listening to Jamie mutter mutinously that he’d better not see anyone he knew at the museum. Eva turned and spotted Ben bundling a holdall into the boot of his car. She kept her head down, feeling pathetic for doing so. She would learn to block the feelings, to deal with seeing him – they were neighbours after all – she just wasn’t quite there yet. Oh God, now he was coming over to them.
‘How’re you doing, Jamie?’ Ben waved to Jamie who was settling himself in the front seat.
‘Yeah, good.’ Jamie smiled back.
‘These
