wasn’t one she was happy with but she saw no other way. Her body might want Ben but she’d been unable to reconcile her physical longing with her jumbled thoughts.
She picked up a cloth and spray and started to give the windows a good clean, finding herself mulling over everything again.
Although no harm had come to Jamie, Eva had felt genuine fear for the time he was missing. All the years she had coped, dealing with all the highs and lows of bringing up a child on her own but in that moment when fear had gripped her, she had wanted to run to Ben. Instinctively she had wanted to go to him and for him to somehow make it better. She had felt unable to cope – and admitting she needed Ben wasn’t something that sat comfortably with her; in fact it terrified her.
She thought of the life she had with Jamie. He was the single most important thing in her life. She knew in some ways she had created a bubble for her and Jamie, a place where she felt safe. That had meant keeping Jamie close, focusing on her business and now she realized it also meant not letting anyone in because she never wanted to rely on someone who might not always be there. She didn’t have the luxury of making a mistake, not when she had her son to look after.
She had let Ben infiltrate her safe nest, imagined what life could be like with him, little scenarios playing out in her head. Family occasions, school concerts, and sports days – all those things she had got through by herself. She had let herself get carried away.
Eva shook her head, rubbing hard at a streak that had appeared on the window, feeling angry with herself. She had put herself before Jamie. For those few hours she hadn’t made him her priority and now she was paying the price. Somehow she had lost control of things – feeling unwell, cutting her finger, putting Jamie in danger. The sequence of events all led back to her letting Ben in.
Things had moved too fast. She had given in to her desire too quickly and guilt was eating her up from the inside. Being with Ben had affected her judgement and she had let her guard down. But now she knew what she had to do. She needed to go back to the life she had before Ben.
She stood back, content to see the windows now gleaming, and then pulled out her phone to check the time. Jamie had football after school so there was no rush. She took a long look around the room. With the sofas now in place, the room was finished and she hoped with all her heart Ben liked it.
The room had changed beyond recognition since the MacKenzies lived here and Eva hoped it would be filled with life and happiness again one day. Like all families they’d had their ups and downs but they’d been strong and loving and always there for each other. And wasn’t that what everyone wanted after all? It was certainly all she had ever wanted.
She wasn’t surprised when she heard the key in the door. Maybe in some ways she’d been hoping for Ben to come home so they could have the conversation she knew they had to have. Ignoring her pounding heart she told herself she was doing the right thing. She squared her shoulders, attempting a brightness she didn’t feel, and by the time Ben appeared at the living room door, her smile was in place.
***
Ben guessed Eva had been avoiding him. He understood how difficult it had been for her the night Jamie went missing and had instinctively given her space and time to work things through in her own mind. Today he couldn’t wait any longer; he had to see her. Her hair was held up messily with a clasp and she was wearing her dungarees that he loved so much. She greeted him with a smile but wouldn’t meet his eyes and his heart sank.
‘So, do you like it?’ she asked in an overbright voice, her arm sweeping around the room. Ben hadn’t stepped in the room for days even though he’d known she was close to finishing. Now he was staggered by the transformation, amazed how it had changed from an empty, lifeless space into a beautiful room. She had even managed to make his cold austere furniture look right somehow. Every detail had been thought of from the newly varnished floorboards to the freshly painted cornicing detail.
For a moment he was lost for words. He knew how much effort this must have taken and she had done it for him. And yet the tension from her was tangible and he knew this moment wasn’t how either of them imagined it was going to be.
‘It’s incredible. I can hardly believe you did all this by yourself.’
She at least managed a small smile in response but still avoided his gaze. ‘Do you like the colours?’
‘They’re great.’
‘I wanted something neutral but not wishy-washy. So I chose this mid-tone browny grey, which warms up the room and makes it feel cosy.’ She was talking quickly, moving around the room. ‘I painted it right to the ceiling to give the room height and you’ll see I did the woodwork a paler shade but in the same palette. I think white would have been too stark.’
Ben nodded as she continued, watching her closely.
‘I’ve put a rug down, with touches of blue in it, and I made you a floating shelf in the recess so you can put some of your books on it …’
‘Eva, stop.’
She turned, finally looking at him. ‘What is it?’
‘The room is lovely. Truly, it’s amazing what you’ve done. Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’ She looked down, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
‘Can we talk now?’
‘Um, sure.’
‘I want to tell you why I went away.’
‘I’ve said already, you don’t need to.’
‘I do. Please – sit with me.’ He took hold of her hand and gently pulled her down beside him on the sofa, keeping hold of her hand. ‘I went back to my house near London, where I grew up.’
‘I didn’t know you still had another home.’
‘I hadn’t told you about it – but only because it’s something I haven’t wanted to deal with.’ She met his eyes with a quizzical look.
‘After my mother moved into the care home, I didn’t know what to do with the house. After a while I rented it out –’
‘Really, you don’t have to explain …’
‘Please, Eva. Just hear me out. The tenants renting the house moved out so it’s been lying empty. I got a phone call to say the house had been broken into.’ He glanced down at Eva’s hand, took a deep breath.
‘The day I took my mother out of the house for the last time was the hardest day I’ve ever had to go through. I haven’t been back to the house for years – I haven’t been able to face it. But when I got the phone call I knew I had to deal with it. And I knew I could face it because of you.’
A small crease appeared on her forehead. ‘Why because of me?’
‘Because of the way you make me feel – like I could face anything.’
Eva stared at him for a moment then dropped her gaze, letting him continue.
‘When I came here, I wasn’t sure about anything any more. Arriving without Samantha I thought … I thought I’d be devastated. It didn’t take me long to work out what we had wasn’t much – just a mutually convenient relationship.
